Every Song Reminds Me Of You

Dear Brother,

It seems like time has passed us by because it is now winter and I can't remember the last time I hugged you. However, what time doesn't know is, while yes it has passed us, we have become strong since. You and I have something that I didn't know would be here so soon. I knew it would come, but I just didn't know when. While I am glad its here, I am also a little sad to know you and I aren't together to celebrate it. By "it" I mean our brother/sister relationship.However, I do know that as a family, we are still in the thick of the storm. It's not as thick now as it has been, but as each day passes, the storm thins out and I just know that one day it won't be able to thin out any more because it will be gone. And when that day happens, the sun will shine and you will be home again. As I said before, it hurts to know there are days spent without you, but everyday without you, is one more day closer to being with you.

You know it's funny, there's a saying I've heard so many times as I was a teenager, but I never really understood it until now. Throughout the years, I use to think of which side I stood and which side was better. Many people who had come to their own understanding of the saying would tell me that their side was better.I use to go back and forth on it, but I think I've finally picked a side. The saying is " Some see the glass as half full or half empty." I think I am one that sees the glass as half full, and I am content with that. For me, to hear something is half empty, it just sounds bad to me, as a loss. But with something half full, there's something positive about it, something to gain. So I see all of this as a learning experience, a personal reason to educate others, as a reminder to live our lives with more awareness, and to just educate ourselves on as much as we can on whatever.Therefore making the glass half full. I suppose that its just the optimistic nature in me, but if one where to let negativity consume their mind, then what kind of life would that be?

I have to admit, since the first night without you, I've had you picture as my screen saver, and it has not changed since. And to tell you the truth, I don't get tired of looking at your face and your smile every time I turn on my screen name or log myself off. Your picture reminds me of a day that had a good ending, a day I will never forget. Of course mom and I got into an argument that day, I realized that from here on out, everything I did got me to where I was, which was walking across that stage to get my high school diploma. High school wasn't easy that's for sure, well looking back on the work, it was. But the growing up that comes with high school wasn't. I felt so proud though, I raised my hand in the air and I knew this was just the beginning of my life. I graduated with friends and I spent the day with my family, people who love me not matter what mistake I've made. And that brings me to my next point.

No matter what mistake you have made in life, your family loves you more than anything. While we hope that you will listen to our warnings and to what we say, we know that may not always be the case all the time. But I do hope that considering what's going on, you really do consider what you will do and just really analyze everything before you act and make the right choice. You are a lot smarter than you think yourself to be and a lot stronger too! So don't forget that.

I also wanted to say, when I look at you, I see a different person. Someone who has learned from their mistakes and is humbled by them. I see a young man so full of ambition, love and aspiration. You have done a complete turn about my love, and I AM PROUD OF YOU! I can see only good and amazing things to come from you, so please keep your head up little brother!

Lastly, I want to leave you with a status I put on my fb

"I just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY LITTLE BROTHER! :) You're not so little anymore, because in all actuality, you are taller and stronger than me. however you will always be my little brother. I just want you to know that even through all of our fights and arguments, even when you scare me and I dislike that, I wouldn't ask for another brother.I miss you and love you terribly. I hope God blesses you with the wisdom, understanding, strength, perseverance, and better health you may not have had last year. That you realize your family and friends love you so very much and you are awesome. Happy birthday and love you so much, your sister! ♥ Happy 21st braazsha!"


Love Always,

Your Sister

Life just happens...

You know, social networking sites are amazing! Who'd know you'd find your classmates from grammar school, you high school crush, a family member you haven't seen in years or even someone you work with. What all of these people have in common is that they all have some sort of relationship to you; friend, sweethearts, family, co worker etc. And the other day, I added some friends from grammar school, talked to some friends from high school, some friends from college and seen pics from family members I only see once a year and it made me realize that life just happens. I know people who are married or getting married, who have kids now or are expecting, people who have died, people who live in some other city of the world, people who have occupations I would have never guessed they would have, and some people who I just don't see anymore. And while life has changed my ability to talk and see these people, that doesn't stop me from missing them and thinking of them. I've come to realize that life just happens, most of the time we don't plan for what does happen, it just happens. But we adjust and continue living. There's people who are in different situations than I am in and it makes me appreciative of where I'm at in my life, good and bad. I just want life to know that I know she will throw me a curve ball when I'm least expecting, but I know I am a strong enough person to adjust to the curve ball and keep moving. So while I may not like all the changes life will put me through, I think I can honestly say, that's fine.

Just some food for thought

Thanks giving, always a nice way to say thank you!

Lately life hasn't been feeling very festive like it normally does, and I think it has to do with 1) I'm not a kid anymore and that holiday excitement has lost that luster and 2)well the obvious, that there are some people in my life that I am not with anymore. But that 2nd reason is the exact reason to why I am so thankful. I realize that a year ago, I had a lot in my life that I took for granted. I had a best friend that while I spent almost every waking moment with, it never occurred to me that one day I may not have that. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy our awesome friendship or make a bunch of memorable memories with her, CAUSE I DID! I guess I just thought that this day where it wouldn't be her and I wouldn't come and certainly not so fast. I miss her everyday and even though we don't talk as often as we did, and I haven't seen her in like half a year, I LOVE HER LIKE SHE WAS JUST A BUS RIDE AWAY :) But now that I'm not spending a thanksgiving with her, it makes me a little sad, but it makes me appreciate the time that I did spend with her and the awesome memories, pictures and videos I have of us together.

Next there's my brother who, once we both became teenagers, we kind of went out our separate ways. Thinking back to a year ago, my brother and I would eat so much at thanksgiving, and of course he would finish before me. But because I blocked his way out of his seat, he had to wait for me to finish. Then I would clear my place and head upstairs to fall asleep to Jeff Dunahm's Christmas, hog the remote, and take over the sofa. *laughs to myself* I wouldn't share the sofa, I'd tell him to sit in the chair or on the floor, but then when my back began to hurt, I'd roll on the floor and he'd be there to quickly take my spot on the sofa. We would often bicker about what to watch on TV and idk, I always seemed to win that one, but we would switch off on channels. Eventually mom would come upstairs, find us still like fat slugs digesting our food, and she'd tell us to come downstairs for dessert. Then there was always X-mas shopping. Of course my brother and I would bicker about who was going to wait in the warm car first. At the end of the whole thanksgiving festivities, I'd be frustrated from the crowds, and still fat from the food , and like I'd want my space from my family for a couple hours, but I wouldn't change a single thanksgiving that has passed. I wouldn't take back the bickering, the arguments, the headaches, the laughs, the memories, the jokes or anything because those are the things that makes my thanksgivings so memorable. I obviously can't be with my brother this year, but that doesn't mean I don't think of him every minute of the day, that I don't miss him, or stop loving him. In reality, I think of him every second my mind is free to think, I miss him and love him as much as I possibly can in respect to our situation. I just want him to know that I look forward to thanksgivings with him again soon and that I love him very much!

So I says to the guy....

Now maybe I'm being a bitch because plans that I had made a week ago with someone...well they went astray *fuck you today*. Maybe I'm just frustrated that the one day I have free, I'm not doing anything or have anything to do. Or the one day I have free, no one is hitting me up like they normally are when I'm busy. Or maybe I'm just being a face ass cause it seems as though like a good mmmm 100% of the guys who don't know me or aren't my friends ARE SO FUCKIN NARROW MINDED AND HORNY SLOBS!

I get it, (1) your girlfriend caught you at the club motor boating some drunk *white girl wasted* chick, (2) your girlfriend came home and found you watching gay porn and your excuse was that there was one girl in there at first (3) or you girlfriend just realized you're an asshole AND FOR ONE OR ALL OF THOSE REASONS, SHE LEFT YOUR ASS! So because she left you, your left with a case of Papa Smirf Blue Balls *It's a legit diagnosis, look it up ;) * Therefore making you incapable of thinking with one of the most vital organs in your body....you BRAIN!

So I'm on one of my social networking sites, and its far more stranger danger than any other website I've been to. Like seriously, ANYONE ON THAT THING CAN FIND YOU AND HIT YOU UP! *Home Alone screams*





Guy # 1 on 10/23/11

So this guy hits me up with an IM, and I decide to check out his page before I say hi. Based on what he wrote about himself on his page, he seemed like a nice guy; smart, in school, sociable, fun, doing things with his life...and he had a real nice smile. So I responded back with a text friendly Hi. So we start talking, after the essential question of ASL, he then asked me if I was Puerto Rican. My response was, what does it matter, he then told me because Puerto Rican girls normally have big butts and he likes that. I just roll my eyes and ignore his question and tell him that big booties are a stereotype. Not every woman has an ass you can put a cup on like memory foam on a bed. He just laughs.....of course he does.Face ass. So the more he tries to get an answer at me, the more my remarks become snippier. He then asked me the stupid "F" questions, "So are you a freak ma?" OMG! I can't tell you how much I hate that stupid question....WTF! So I tell him I'm not a freak at all, I am actually the best worst turn off ever and I'm not the "big booty rican" he's looking for. He jokes and says that it doesn't matter, yet hes still hinting big booty jokes? WTF?! After awhile I become frustrated and I tell him that looks come and go, how you look now may not be what you look like 10 years from now. He tells me he knows, but I don't think he really understands. So I tell him that what I want is a guy to notice me and be interested in me because I can hold a good conversation, I am a knowledgeable and good person, my talents, because I enjoy the simple things in life, I understand and value family, I love to travel, I often quote movies, I love comedies, my accomplishments....stuff like that. I don't want to be noticed because I look like a good time in your bed. After I said that HE HAD NOTHING TO SAY! Of course I was sooo pissed off that I finally ended the conversation by asking
"Can you please keep talking to me like a piece of ass, so I can keep being a sarcastic bitch towards you.....YOU'RE HELPING ME WRITE! :D"

I got no response lol

Guy # 2 10/24/11

Head Over Heels and Hopeful

If you remember for a couple blogs ago, I wrote about a guy that I had been recently crushing on. And I am currently still very much crushing on him. Yesterday was his birthday and while I didn't get to wish him a happy birthday in person, I texted him a happy bithday wish and sang him happy birthday. At the end of the day, he called me and told me about his wonderful day. Idk if it was the candy corn that I ate earlier that day or if it was because I was sooo happy to talk to him ( which I am when ever I talk to him). He told me about his bday day and I WAS SOO HAPPY TO HEAR HOW HIS DAY WENT, which was good! We kept talking about random things, life, girls, school, sex...just everything. We got to this point in our conversation where it got real deep for me, and I told him some real personal stuff. We had quite a few laughs and before he had to go, I decided, TELL HIM! It was definitely hard for me to tell him, my heart was racing, it was a lil hard for me to catch a breath,but I finally told him. He told me he was extremely flatted and I could hear his smile over the phone.I told him that I didnt want him to feel weird or anything but I wanted to know I liked him. Ugh I'm feeling so much. I just really hope that what ever happens its for the better! :) Until then...I guess im just head over heels

Truthfully Stressed Out

It is 9:40am Monday Morning...and while I should be getting ready, I felt like I just had to blog. I am so overwhelmed! I've had a family situation since May, which is just not letting go and the thought of it seems to bounce in my mind every now and then, but when I don't think about it, I know it's still there. I've told some teachers about it and they kind of give me this little pat on the back and say "we all have problems, sorry you're going through a tough one, but just kind of get over it". Well they may not say that exactly like that, but it comes across to me that way, and after hearing that I kind of feel bad for letting those thoughts take over me. So I began to really focus on myself, and prioritize my time better, and plan things out,keep myself busy. And while I love the feeling of accomplishment and just being able to say I did it, I realize I'm leaving no time for my physical and mental well being. I already dropped my big ensemble class in order to give time to my family situation, and I decided to keep my private lessons, you know as something for me. But at the time, I just feel like it's too much, I make time to dedicate to my singing for class, but it just doesn't feel like it's enough. And I feel like when I go to class, I am wasting my teacher's time because I'm not as prepared as she needs me to be and I'm a little disappointed in myself because of that, but I know that my time wasn't used in vain. Given everything that's going on, everything I'm trying to manage, I'm doing the best I can. So today I think I'm going to tell my teacher, I'm sorry but this is just a bad time for me, and I really need to focus on other things, but thank you for your support. I am going to use today for me and just relax....I need it.

Excited to relax

p.s. I am not super religious, but I do believe in God, a power beyond me. I know you would not give me anything that I couldn't handle and I am doing my best to stay strong and positive, but I feel like I can't do this on my own. Please give me the patience, understanding, strength and right guidance to keep myself healthy mentally and physically, as well as my family and friends. Thank You

Idk why but :)

I am ridiculously tired, but idk, I just can't help myself. I HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT IT! :) I have been single for about 2ish years. I've talked to some guys in between then, but nothing to serious. 2 years being single has made me a little lonely, and I realized that while I have friends who are back and forth happy and upset in their relationships, I have some friends that are truly happy in their relationships. When I see them I just smile, wish them a life time of happiness and hope that I can be that way soon. I realized that for me to get that, I just need a friend first. Someone I can be myself around, who will respect me, my thoughts and dreams, someone who is honest, has a sense of humor, truthful, sweet and good natured, and someone who I can just call up and be like "hey do you wanna go do something right now" and not have it be sexual. We could just genuinely enjoy each other's company and laugh :) I realized that when you just tell someone you like them and don't take the time to get to know them, things are rushed, feelings developed, feelings are hurt and relationships don't last...usually. However, I think I finally found someone who fits what I want :) YAY! I've been around this guy for awhile, but just recently started talking to him. It started off with silly jokes about work, then eventually we talked about going out dancing and just enjoying ourselves, nothing was set in stone though. Eventually I asked him for his #, we didn't text immediately, but I still had his number. Then a few weeks ago, I just didn't see him, he saw me a week ago and was like "OMG WHERE HAVE U BEEN?!" After having something short of a reunion, we started texting, then before I knew it, we were texting throughout the night, talking on the phone for awhile, and having meaningful conversations. Through taking to him, I began to like him. I mean don't get me wrong, the kid is real good looking. and omg I LOVE HIS SMILE! it's so adorable! He has a man's body, I can tell, he has the kind of body that you know can protect and is strong, but at the same time, loving. His voice is deep but its pleasing to my ear. There's just so many little things about him that make this greater picture and I just ADORE IT! :) He's a little younger than me, which right from the start, I thought would take away any chances of me liking him in such a way. But! He has a plan, he has ideas, he's outgoing, he knows how he wants to get where he wants to be and I admire that so much in him, especially for his age...which is only a few years younger than me.

I guess I have a little crush on him and I'm just overly happy with everything about him and about us :) He's such a sweetheart and so funny. Aye I can't just let this go. It's been awhile since I've felt this way about anybody and idk I guess I have a belly full of butterflies. When I think of him, every cutesy love song I know of plays in my mind, which is funny, because I'm not in love with him, and I don't think I love him....I'M JUST SOOO EXCITED THAT I HAVE THE FRIEND THAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED WHO HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE SOMETHING AMAZING WITH ME! :) I honestly don't know where I'll be a month from now, or what our relationship will be by then, BUT I HOPE ITS SOMETHING GOOD! :) So to reflect how I feel, here's a song :)

Do Fries Come with that Shake Baby? Ummm No :/

I believe when you see me, you see my weight, but you don't see it. Like you know I'm a big girl, but there's just so much to me as a person that you don't see it. And while I love my family and friends who to this day (lol) insist I am not fat. Thank you guys, lol you guys def help me keep my head up. I love their support and belief in the things I do, my aspirations, my goals and me as a person, but I think an other kind of support now.

I don't go shopping for clothes often, for many reasons that aren't related to my weight at all. But when I do, it's like I miss the world memo of when to buy clothes that day, because when I go, EVERYTHING IN MY SIZE IS GONE! WTF?! There must be more fattys out there, at least more than I realize. So by the end of my shopping experience, I am normally feeling frustrated, upset, mad, like I want to cry, but most importantly I WANT TO CHANGE!

I am tired of working out and sticking to it and because of so many other things, I have to stop and focus on other things. Its a little sad because the people that love me know that food is def 1 of the keys to my soul, you cook for me I'm in love, but poor eating habits and not eating the right things are taking a toll.

I hoped that if I read some "fat girl" books, I'd feel inspired to lose weight. If I thought about my high blood pressure and possible future health complications, then I'd be more motivated to lose weight. And I do, but that's short lived due to my crazy life. I need this change to be permanent! I need a strong support system for this, I need your help to help me get there.

So as I take my last bite of a greasy, melt in your mouth artery clogging goodness along with the last of the amazingly salty high blood pressure booster fries, I am vowing to do the best I can to lose some and live a healthier lifestyle

It's just so sad...

I've been having a family situation that has really opened up my eyes to what's really going on. I see and feel the consequences of people's actions, both good and bad. And the bad ones, they make me sooo sad. When something bad happens, there is pain and suffering on both sides, no one wins. Given the situation I'm in, I try not to judge others, I try to take what I visually and audibly consume and process it, but try not to analyze it. I try to let be what is and try to move on to something that leads to positivity * yea I think I just made up a new word, but it makes sense right?* And while I should be doing homework, homework is what brought me here, and my current situation is what fuels me for everything. So I'm not sure if I unknowingly manipulated things to fit into a way for me to relate or catch my interest or if it just happened to be here, a friend says it was always there, I just never had a need to look into it or see it because I didn't know it. Anyway here I am making a mental connection between my current situation and homework. But I guess that's how you learn right? Take what you learn in class and apply it to real life.

My homework assignment is to find 3 current events each week and develop a simple objective question to them and give a truthful factual answer to it. I try to find stories more so in print, but more importantly I try to find stories that wouldn't be on the front page. I try to find the stories I think my fellow classmates would not have even looked at in their google searches. So today I came across a story about how the U.S. prison system will be taking away, inmates who are sentenced to lethal injection, request to have a final meal. I'm not sure what reasons gave away to this decision, I'm sure it boils down to one individual who, for lack of better words, fucked it up for everyone else. But thats not the main point. After reading that article, I googled lethal injections, and I read Wiki's articles on it. I then read about recent "hot topic" cases that involved lethal injection. I read about their last meal requests, their convictions and the affects their cases had on other people. I was just in an awe at lethal injections and the fact that we put soooo must trust in our legal system when everything seems biased, AND IM AMAZED AT THE FACT THAT according to the media, it seems like some people just "click" the wrong way, and BOOM we have a rapist, a terrorist, a murderer, a robber, a no good to society. Thinking about it made me feel incredibly sad, so I went back to my homework. However, sadness wasn't done with me yet. I was looking for a local headlining story when I came across a story of a young man, who was a gang banger looking for another rival gang. This gang member was with a couple of other members just cursing around the neighborhood when they found this one kid who was walking from his girlfriend's house. One gang member shouted out to this kid what he repped, and when he got no reply, the gang member came out with a metal bat and beat the kid senseless. The gang member then took the kid's phone, called the kid's girlfriend and told her what he had just done proudly, then left the kid on the side of the street. The gang member is now in county with no bail and the kid is still in a coma. BUT ITS LIKE WTF!? Do we really have this many people out there who just have nothing else to do but to be stupid? Do we really have this many lawyers and judges who could careless? Do we really have jail and prison systems overcrowding just so someone can get paid? Is there no hope?

All of this just makes me sick! I really hope that the things I'm doing now will better my future and make people happy. I hope that the kids that I teach will learn something positive and FEEL it! I hope that what I can teach them keeps them off the streets, out of harm's way so that we can live in a society where we aren't hurting others because of their skin color, what they wear, because we are mad or lonely. What I ultimately want is for no one to go through the pain of losing someone to jail, drugs, diseases, sex, and violence. If someone is meant to go, let the man upstairs take care of it, don't take it into your hands to play God.

I think this song sums up perfectly how I feel....AMEN

Aren't You a Little Stinker :P

Hmm, well before I had a lil scare with my kitty, Lieben, I was totally prepared to give this full figured speech/blog...splog? Naw guess not, but anyway I was prepared to lay it all on the line going full speed to Dickhead-ville. My adrenaline has taken my firey punch away...well some of it, but I'm still gonna put this out there. Now, I'm going try to make this short,possibly sweet and simple because this pretty little lady has gotta be up for class tomorrow morning, but nevertheless, this has to be said. Sooooooo on one of my social networking sites, my current status is "I stand corrected guys, still SMH. I try to be nice but I can't help it if you're a douchebag...sry LOL" I know it sounds a little harsh and yeah I'm no Miss Universe, but still....really guys? I can't tell you how exhausting it is for a guy to start talking to you, and your "THIS GUY IS THIRSTY FOR PUSSY!!!" meter goes off....umm I think theres another word for that....oh yeah, a woman's intuition. Anyways, call it what you want, but a red flag raises up on your end and now you're stuck talking to a guy that can't get his dick wet even if he drooled on it. At this point your face is like
<------- FML

So then he goes off telling you how he doesn't want friends with benefits, he wants a real girl (Sorry Pinocchio). Then he goes off saying how he just wants someone to be serious with, and all this blah blah blah blah blah. What it all translates into is "Nawwwww Cowardly Lion, you won't get a heart, but follow the yellow brick road anyway down to my City of Oz." And the funny part is he thinks that if he tells you he wants a "relationship", "something serious", that you'll be like "awww sooo sweet! He's too much of a gentleman to want anything sexually, he just wants live out the lyrics to Katy Perry's Teenage Dream, which OMG! IS MY FAVORITE SONG EVAR!" Omg and here's the best part, even though you both go back and forth on the subject of what is left of a relationship if all you have is sex, and he insists that what you're saying isn't true, he then finally ends the convo saying "everything leads to sex and thats what I WANT!" Then he starts to macho man himself up by saying that the reason you're not a sex enthusiast (like him) is because you haven't had sex with him, that you don't know what "a man feels like", that hes "top notch" and "never fails." WTF IS THIS? A CHEVY COMMERCIAL FROM BACK IN THE DAY WHEN THEY USED THE SONG "LIKE A ROCK"? ha lol pun intended!

At that point you want to just agree to disagree, BUT YOU CAN'T! Nooooooo Lassy! As an educated woman who won't stand for such objectifying and lies YOU MUST TELL HIM HOW IT IS, YOU MUST HOLD UP THAT MIRROR AND LET HIM KNOW HE'S NO *insert you vibrator's pet name* AND HE ISN'T NEARLY AS GOOD AS YOUR BLUE DOLPHIN!!! Once you do so, he will reply in some misogynistic manner like "FUCK U BITCH", "YOU'RE UGLY AND FAT" or both if you really pissed him off. Or he may just say "wow BYE", like that's suppose to hurt you. By then you should be LAUGHING YOUR FUCKING ASS OFF because not only did catch on to him quick, you shoved his words back in his face, and because he will probably have to rub one out. His behavior is one of a serious matter because to the infected person, the side effects are dormant ( not visible), but to you that mofo REEKS of Summer's Eve....its a little something I like to call ULTRA MEGA DOUCHEBAG SYNDROME! Now this infectious disease will get you regardless if you're wearing Ed Hardy or not, bronzed up or pale, wearing sunglasses in the club or a neck brace. It's totally color blind and not at all discriminate towards its potential carrier. So here's to you douchebag :)

By the way, I read this in a book called "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" - Tucker Max, I'm pretty sure his misogynistic friend said it

"If it lacks a price, it is probably worthless"

Just an FYI

Enjoy the music douchebag :P

Wow, right now I feel like I have everything to say and just don't know how to say it, or where to start. It's taken me awhile to bring myself to write about it. Maybe I can actually write write to you how I'm feeling

Heart beating and it almost scares me

Sending goosebumps down my spine and thoughts that seem to carry

Carry my imagination to a place that's lonely and dark

Where black tries to consume my heart

But I won't let it, no I won't

I have to stay here, be here strong, for you, for mom and dad

I refuse to give into the devil's tricky hand

Day and night he sneaks into my mind and makes me think the worst

But I know God loves me and you, and if I believe and trust they wont, then those bad thoughts wont hurt

It gets hard sometimes, I find myself thinking of ways to unravel this mess

Until I can have you home and safe I feel like my soul wont rest

I need you here, I need to feel your hugs and love

I long for the time where I'll hear your voice in my ear instead of

Through a crackeling phone or through the glass of total separation

Dito, you are all my love and adoration

You mean more to me than you'll ever know

And regardless of everything I'll never fail to show you just how much

SO PLEASE DONT DONT LET YOUR PAST MISTAKES DEFINE YOU!!!

This is a service announcement to all my ladies

I remember a good friend once told me that "pussy is power". And for awhile I just didn't understand, like fully understand what she meant. But now that I'm a little older, I'VE COME TO MY OWN FULL UNDERSTANDING of what she said. I think growing up, for most of us, sex isn't a topic we openly talk about to our parents, especially to our mothers (which is a shame cause I think they definitely know a little more than we do about life and our ladies parts than we do). For example, back in 07 I remember there being this big thing about cervical cancer and the HPV vaccine. So many women that were close to me where either being diagnosed with cervical cancer and or getting the HPV vaccine. I remember asking my mom about it all and I told her that because quite a few women I knew where getting the HPV vaccine because it can help prevent cervical cancer and protect against the most common types of HPV ( which aren't all sexual) that I wanted it. After that, I remember her kind of scolding me that cervical cancer and the vaccine were only for girls who were having sex....and of course that's not true. So since then, if there was anything sexual that I wasn't sure about, I took it upon myself to educate myself.

Since graduating high school, I had had a few boyfriends and things did get serious with some of them. And let me tell you! YOUR MOM IS SOOO RIGHT IN SAYING THAT GUYS WILL TELL YOU ANYTHING TO GET IN YOUR PANTS, and when all that fails, they will try to make you feel bad for not wanting to have sex.

Here's my service announcement:

"For every action, there is a consequence, and we as WOMEN MUST REMAIN STRONG because we are a lot more stronger than we give ourselves credit for...and ultimately the beautiful ability of life rests in our hands"

And that my friends is the understanding I've come to understand when my friend told me "pussy is power". And how right she is! No one, including the boyfriend the says he loves you more than world itself should ever pressure you into doing something you don't want to, especially sexually. I believe educated women, women who value themselves and their bodies know better in this situation. I know I sound like some sort of preacher, and I'm only in my early 20's but what I say is true. I remember one time, I was in class reading and all of sudden the silence in the room became as loud as a roaring train and it almost knocked me out of my chair, that if I wasn't careful with what I did ( blinding trusting a guy that he was clean of diseases and wearing condoms) THAT I WOULD END UP IN A CRAZY AMOUNT OF TROUBLE WITH MY FAMILY, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY WITH MY HEALTH.

The way I see it now, NO GUY is worth my health and future, and to be totally honest, as much as guys love sex, A LOT OF THEM ARE CLUELESS WHEN IT COMES TO MATTERS OF YOUR TOTO! It's almost laughable how uneducated they are about it. So with that said ladies,

TAKE IT UPON YOURSELVES TO GET TESTED, TO FIND AND REGULARLY SEE A GYNECOLOGIST THAT YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH, GET TREATED FOR ANYTHING THAT MAY CAUSE HEALTH COMPLICATIONS IN THE FUTURE, ULTIMATELY VALUE YOURSELF AND BODY AND NEVER LET ANYONE BELITTLE YOUR VALUES!!!

Being a woman is a beautiful thing, we have a strength that is bigger than us, we take every good and bad thing and continue to love, we have an amazing tolerance and we are the cause and effect of our existence...don't take that lightly.

I love you all, my beautiful ladies!

P.S. love your mothers, because good or bad, they will be there and you only get 1 mom, so love her like no other!

"I got the swag and it's pumping out my ovaries" <--- :P

I just can't make you happy

I take a deep breath and try to let it out slowly
Inhale....exhale
Inhale....exhale
Inhale....exhale
Do I want to forget and try to live in your make believe fairy tale?
Should I just forget and let you have your cake and eat it too?
Should I continue to try to love you and just let everything pass through?
Do I ignore her scent on your pillows, pretend not to taste her lip gloss on your lips, make myself numb to her warmth that lingers on your dick?
You call it love making, but my body is just there,while I float away aimlessly
Wondering what's wrong with me, why am I still here?

I thought I could teach you how to love without fear, but how can I when you're still unresolved in your past?

I thought I'd be easy for you to trust, but how can you when your mind is still stuck in a mental cask?

Yes, I am care-free, and while its not easy, its not impossible

Yes, I'm not the jealous type but that doesn't change the fact that I don't trust her

In the heat of it all, we all lose it

We stop thinking, and start feeding off of our wants and desires

We give into lust which burns as fast as dry fire

We forget and let it devour us

I don't want to be there when you forget cause she's leading you there

You tell me how I feel is unexpected, shocking and you try to make me feel bad

But I'm not stupid, add you 2 together, subtract every bit of clothing, divide her legs in half and

Before you know it, she's moaning your name, and you are loving her

It makes me sick to think you will tell her everything you told me

It makes me feel stupid trusting your false grantee

I realized on the way home as the wind tried to push back my tears and as I tried to swallow my sadness, that I can not bring you the happiness

The happiness you want and to be honest its cause I'm selfish

And I refuse to share myself with someone who doesn't understand the value and limits of sharing and who is sharing every sweet lie and every stroke with the world

No I don't wish bad upon you, but I want you to learn and eventually come to an understanding

So give me a reason to be, give me a reason to love you

btw I hate that this song will always make me think of u......

Yo Quisiera Amarlo

I wanted to write exactly how I was feeling in a poem, but so much is flying around my head, so maybe if I write it out here, a pretty poem will result.

So there's a guy I've been talking to for a couple weeks now. He, up until this point seemed head over heels for me before me. But now, I think the tables have turned, or at least the table clothes are the same color now, but at this point, I'm not sure if either of us realize it, I think I do. He was soooo madly into me, every minute resisting a kiss, but then gave in. Almost every sidewalk was accompanied with us hand in hand. Every other other whisper was him telling me how beautiful I was to him, and me blushing with a thanking smile. Every hug was heart felt and sincere. And at the beginning, while I heard it and felt it, it wasn't sinking in. It finally sank in last night while we were in dazing embrace of hugs and kisses. At that moment, I felt no shame in anything, I felt so clean,free,beautiful,happy,cared for, and maybe a passionate compassion of love? He had whispered to me earlier that I am someone he could love and said he was scared cause he thought he was starting to love me already, and my response to him was "don't be scared to love, just love". Later that night, I whispered to him I thought I was starting to love him too. His response was for me to be careful because that's not a word he throws around or feels should be thrown around because of feelings that in the moment can confuse us. And while I heard what he said, at that moment, I didn't really care because I was just so happy and I gave into not being scared and just loving it all. The night ended, morning came and he called just to tell me good night, he was thinking of me and missing me already...how cute is that. I only slept 5 hours, but I woke up (not rested) but ready. I went to work in a good mood and came out hoping to talk to him. It didn't really work out that way, but neh I figured it was whatever.

I finally got home and my phone rang, it was him on the other end. He called to tell me a friend was coming over to watch the game, as soon as he said that my heart sank and I quickly switched my tone to indifferent.

A lot of things have happened in this past week and week itself. Today I decided to stay at a friends house and try to relax and have fun, but as I got up, I felt sad. I realized that today, would be the first day I'd go without hearing from him. :( How sad. I dont think he realizes how much I miss him, how lonely it feels without him. I got into an argument with him yesterday just because he wasnt understanding the serverity of the situation at hand. And as much as I didn't

Doing My Laundry

Maybe I'm going through an enlightenment period or something because I'm really coming to terms with realization. Its obvious what Ive come to terms with because of previous blogs, but heres a new realization. I've realized that in life, no matter who you are, where your from or what ever the circumstance, its sooooo easy to be selfish. What really takes a lot of work is being a person who is selfless. Sometimes when life gets really really hard, I think how easy life would be if I wasn't there, not only for me but for others.Like right now, my parents don't have 1 child, but they still have me, would it matter if they had neither? What would happen? Would things get worse? Would things be cheaper? Would things be happy? Would they notice I was gone? Would life be as quiet as it is now, or would it be loud? I have my own speculations to some of those answers, but to be completely honest, I really don't know. Sometimes I feel like I would wanna know, but if I take myself, then I wouldn't ever know, would I? Thinking like this scares me. I'm not too religious, but I believe in a heaven, hell,god,devil, and sins. So when I start thinking like this, I feel like its not me thinking. Like its something bad, something thats not human-like. So i quickly weigh the good and the bad in my head and i realize good wins. So maybe I'm not too far gone, but far enough to explore the inner caverns of my mind. But getting back to my whole realization of selfishness vs. selflessness. I guess my parents are examples of being selfless. they give their all to my brother and I, regardless of where that leaves them. and i guess given my certain change of heart, I'm becoming more selfless. growing up is all about learning everything and anything about you, your surroundings, feelings and situations. glad theres friends who understand that and a blank page to accept my mental tattoos.

I'm only 21 but I've had my share of heartache thus far, and I feel like Im lucky at 21 to know what a want. Of course this may change, but I been like this for awhile,so I'm happy

Disappointed Much?

Well, I'm not disappointed in myself. This year has been a bunch of ups and downs, but right now its great! I was in a beautiful production of The Secret Garden, I met a lot of cool people, I've become more inspired and driven, made a lot of good memories, I got over my friend Lydia, I'm happy being single, I got accepted into TRIO, I declared my minor in music and will soon be declaring a major in theatre, got 4 A's and 1 B this semester AND AM CURRENTLY 2 PNTS AWAY FRM BEING A 3.0 which is my goal! Right now I have a lot going for me and I'm soo happy! :)

You're gunna miss this, and I know it because I will too

You know, life as beautiful as it is, it definitely has a sense of humor. It has a funny way of teaching you things and I think it's just unbelievable how one minute you have something and just as quickly as you got it, it's gone. And sometimes it feels like time takes forever, and other times you just wish you could freeze time. I've also come to realize that life is full of hello's and goodbyes. BUT! lol *chuckles* I think I've figured out why that is. Time takes forever to happen so you can better appreciate what you do have, and it makes you wanna freeze it so you can try engrave every sense and feeling into you're heart's memory so you don't ever forget. Lastly, life is full of goodbyes so you can make more hello's. Life is just bitter sweet, sometimes not so good things have to happen, so good things can. And then you realize when you really love someone, sometimes it hits you immediately and other times it takes awhile. But when you do realize it, you realize that even through the faults, the accidents, the bad, and the rough that you still see them in this beautiful light. You also realize that you will do what ever you can to make sure they are happy and stay that way, even if it means leaving you, sharing them with others and just letting them go when deep down you really don't want to. But isn't that the beauty of life? To Love. When I think about everyone I've loved and continue to love, I can't help but smile and fill with a feeling of joy.

As of right now, I am currently in the process of trying to get use to the idea that my best friend won't physically be here anymore ( which really makes me realize that we attach an unseen love to the physical). And while I've had to say more permanent goodbyes before, every goodbye has a different hurt to it. And this one hurts a lot, but I know I'm not the only one that feels this way, I'm not the only person in the world that's feeling this way right now. It makes me feel a little better knowing that, but that won't change the fact that there will be times where I'll cry about it, or smile at it, or even laugh to myself about it. And I think we feel this way, especially when we begin to miss someone,and it's because we don't want to be forgotten. However, when you really love someone like down to the core of your heart....you just can't forget someone, there will always be something. You may forget some things but there will always be something. And when you miss someone, you don't know how long you'll be missing them or sometimes how long you'll go without seeing them but this thing I know for sure

" I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or a week from now, a month from now, a year from now or even years from now. But what I do know is I love you today and I intend to love you forever"

- Me

So here's to everyone I've loved, and continue to love, but most importantly to my best friend. Things and life will change, some things will change because we make it change and other just cause that just how the cookie crumbles. And I may make another best friend, but no one will ever replace you. I hope you come back and we get to see each other soon. A lot will happen within the next 4 years, I just hope that as we become older, we travel more, learn more, love more, smile more and love every moment of it.

P.S. There's so many songs that came to mind when I thought of you leaving, but I think this song really expresses how I feel overall :) hope you like it and I know I'll miss this and miss you! :)

What Hurts The Most

Wow, I really don't know where to start, everything just makes me sad and cry. Within this past year, I've come to a realization that good-byes are bitter sweet. When we say goodbye, it hurts so much, but every goodbye eventually leads to a hello somewhere down the road. My best friend just told me that she would be leaving next month and going back to Puerto Rico. When she told me, it was like getting hurt real bad. When she told me, I didn't feel anything, it took a couple of minutes for me to be like whoa, wait, what? Soon after my head began to thump with a headache and I felt the tears starting to weld up in my eyes. I sat down and just couldn't think of anything, I didn't know what to do with myself. A little while after, every memory I have with her flashed by in my head, and all the future hopes I had of making more memories flashed by. I decided the only way to ease my pain was to write about it. After finding a song that seemed to fit as close as possible to how I felt, I just blasted it and here I am. The tears were heavy as they dropped from my eyes, and I felt alone. The tears have stopped now, but that just temporary. I know this pain is a pain that I feel and will never leave me, it will sneak up on me and I'll cry about it, so here's a letter to you.

Dear Mio,

Wow, who would have thought that 2 and a half years later(2011), here's where we'd be. We've must have pondered this quite a few times, but here it is again. It honestly never occurred to me when I first met you, or from the few times that we talked would our acquaintance blossom into a friendship that I'll carry and remember for the rest of my life. Within these past 2 years and a half, we've spent seasons together,shared holidays, families, clothes, food, laughs, knowledge, a language, memories,secrets,nerves, ha even beds. We've made our own inside jokes. Who could ask for more in a best friend. I use to think that because we've been friends for so long, that a lot of me had rubbed off on you, but a lot of you has rubbed off on me, and I know you have because if you didn't it wouldn't hurt this much to say good bye to you. You've been there for me through the good and bad, happy or sad, nervous or chill, goofy and just normal, cold and hot, raining and sunny and you've accepted me for me. I've grown to love you and there's no greater love that can compare. I'm thinking about my favorite memory of you or of us and I don't have one cause there's so many. There's the haunted house, the Santa train, going to the beach, the fest ( ho bag), shopping, dancing/playing wii, dancing to "I want candy",going on our no homo dates ( valentines day dates) making my silly videos...gosh there's just so many. Funny thing is, you've gone away before, and it was still sad to say goodbye but this time its different. I guess its cause I know instead of being a couple of bus rides awhile, you'll be 2 connection flights away. I wish I had magical powers so I could rid you have everything bad and wrong that has happened, but I can't. I just know what has happened, good and bad will effect a tomorrow, a next week, a next month, a year from now...I just hope that what ever happens after this is for the best and I can see you again soon! Words can't express how much I'll miss you, but I know you feel it, and that's what matters. School will be a lot more lonely with you gone, the familiar sounds of "aye nena" and "wuacala" will ring in my ear's memory, and the feeling of your loving hug will be left engraved onto my soul. So with that said, goodbye best friend, I look forward to seeing you again, running to you and hugging you and saying hello. Thank you for everything, whether I've said it or covered it in this letter, you're amazing! I will miss you sooooo much! Don't forget me :)

Love you with all my heart,
Your best friend....Jackie

ps. This song is for you "What Hurts the Most" - Rascal Flatts

GREAT NEWS!

I dont even know what day it is lol just because this past week has been a blur, but a good blur. The Secret Garden show was amazing! :) I really enjoyed myself ( there will be a follow up blog for The Secret Garden), the cast party was great! I haven't established a set sleeping schedule yet, but no class manana! Just an interview with TRIO but I plan to get a good nights rest! But even better news, for awhile I was really stressing about a duet I had to perform. Now, I didn't practice my voice gone, but I did a reasonable amount of practicing, mostly in the shower AND I GOT SO MUCH BETTER! So earlier my duet partner and I had to perform the song for our voice teachers. It went very well, I was hoping for the best even though I was literally shaking in my boots because I was so nervous. So here I am, in about an hour I will in my vocal showcase attire and with little kitty ears on and ready but still nervous to sing my song. Heres hoping that if I mess up, I can play it off good! :) I also just really want to thank people who have been here helping me through this stressful,busy, good and bad time. Thank you Neydi, Jay, Sasha, Dr. Hurt, Heitzienger, Brett, Robert aka Boyfriend *lol*...your words mean soo much to me thanks! :) Well with that said, i'm just happy with that way things are now, and im SOOO LOOKING FOWARD TO THIS SEMESTER BEING OVER SO I CAN ENJOY SUMMER! :)

Mars in retrograde???

Today is just one of those days where you kind of wished you could have just stayed in bed sleeping or playing with your dsi. This morning didnt start out completely bad, it was ok. I woke up tired and feet still sore from last night's performance. I was in some bit of a time crunch cause I needed to get my things together for school and for a sleep over later at my friends house. I asked my brother to drop me off at school and of course he gave me shit. I get to school, went to practice and everything went fine. I went into my voice lessons still feeling the sleep in my eyes, but I came in with a mind set that said "I'm tired but I'm just going to sing the best I can and see what happens". My songs went pretty well, surprisingly since I was so tired...BUT then my duet partner came, which is no big deal cause I love her, but IDK I guess everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong. In an attempt to help me with my song, my voice teacher made some changes and OMG! it felt like they didnt help at all! You ever have one of those days where you spent like weeks and even the night before practicing something and you did it right the whole time, but then this time you go and do it and you just mess up...yea well that happened. Every attempt of singing the changed music just kept getting worse, and what made it even more discouraging was that my duet partner *whom even though, I LOVE TO DEATH! she's a couple years younger than me and college music wise, not as experienced as myself* was able to do it like nothing. At that point, I was singing at the full force of frustration and anger that I almost blew my voice out. YIKES! I think it became obvious to both my voice teacher *who told me she would not take an "I can't for an answer"* and my duet partner that I was getting really upset.Dito my poor duet partner took a couple steps from me and I can see something like a forced smile from my voice teacher as a way of just calming me down....I guess you don't wanna to see Hulk mad??? After that, my lesson had ended and I went into a practice room, to see if I could sing the new changes...but I could feel the frustration,anger and tears making my face red and hot. So I grabbed my things, plugged my headphones in my ears and tried jamming out to some Marc Anthony...no luck. I sat outside the Fine Arts building by the parking garage while trying to compose myself. Quite a few people walked past me, but I didn't want anyone seeing me cry, so I pulled my hood over my face and let the wind blow my hair around. Funny enough, a friend I use to write with in the magazine @ school walked past me and was like ..."Jackie?" She said that when she was coming down from the garage she saw me but didn't know it was me, but knew who ever it was sitting like that looked sad....ha, so much for hiding it right? I told her what happened and she of course told me to text her if I needed it...that was nice of her. I told her maybe I'd hit her up later. While this was all happening, I was texting a friend, whom so far has shown me he's pretty cool. This friend...he's seen tons of places, experienced so much, and has this discipline that most cannot say they've had but he's still there. :) It makes me happy :) He calmed me down a little bit, made me smile and reminded me of who I am and why....there he goes again. :) But he said something very interesting that I've never thought of he said "Me + positive thinking = Me taking over the world". It makes me tear up just thinking of it. Those are some really strong words and I think what really gets me is that it's so true. I'm not sure if this is something he knew already or learned while off in some exotic foreign land, but wherever it came from, I'm glad he said it. So the 2nd time around of singing the duet didn't go too bad. I was expecting worse. So it looks like it may happen...I'm hoping by Monday everything is fine...this weekend is just going to be a blur of music. Ugh BUT! like what 3 more weeks of school left? I'm geeked! Cause I wanna get my hair cut and styled, I want to take a fun singing class and dance class, re-arrange my room, go to the beach and tan, enjoy summer and maybe go to Florida and go to a baseball game. I'm in need of some serious "me" time. Ahhhhhh * sighs a happy sigh* I feel better! :) If you're reading this, I'm sorry I'm sucha yo-yo. My moods change just as fast as my ipod does on shuffle, but thank you for staying with me, being there for me, and just pushing through it with me. It means a lot to me :)

Final thoughts before i go to bed

After what feels like forever of rehearsing my show *the secret garden*, our show date is finally here.I am both excited and ready for it to be over.I have to admit,that at first i wasn't quite sure how the show would go,but I'm proud to say it looks great,I got close to some people and made new friends with others and just joked with others.through it all I was able to see and experience all the hard work that goes into a production.I know there was a lot more that i didn't see but I'm extremely appreciative to my director,conductor, choreographer, fellow cast,props and stage management, orchestra, dancers,tech crew and everyone else who made this show possible.and most of all,I'm proud of myself because there were quite a few times where i felt like i wanted to give up on everything,but i stuck with it....and now I'm here. This past semester has not been easy and I'm truly grateful for everyone who has given me their support throughout it all, it really keeps me going when I myself just feel unwilling to.but I like where things are at right now,I can't really complain,but i hope to make things better....I also want to say, that sometimes it takes someone who barely knows you to remind you of who you are,why you are and the light that you beam naturally. Night

One Day At A Time

I use to be really passive and just super chill about things...I wouldnt let even the smallest of things stress me out. But, somehow, thats changed and I worry about alot of things now....welcome to adulthood??? Anyway, this habit of worrying about things is a bad habit im trying to break. Thats not to say I wont ever worry about things....but for little things, theres no need to. Im trying to refocus my worrying on things that I think should be more important such as my physical and mental well being, my school work, my family and friends...everything else will fall into place. Im also realizing that, the more I tell guys what I want, the more they seem to just reinforce the idea of what I want and that right now, I'm so happy by myself. The bitter sweet to an exclusive relationship could really make things worse for me right now...I think. So for now, I think im going to take things in baby steps and just do ME! This change in lifestyle or maybe lack of, won't be easy and if you're reading this, then you really mean a lot to me. So please, I'm not sure at the moment how I'll need you and your help, but I will so please help out in what ever cause I will need it. Until that, I'm going to do my best to MAKE MYSELF HAPPY :)

Off to class :)

You Gotta Stay Fresh 2 DEF!

I was hoping that after the blog I wrote a couple days ago,that any blog afterwards would be on the brighter side....at least for a little while. And in thinking about life since that blog,I think things have gotten a little better,not the best but I'm trying. Any who, I guess an appropriate title for this blog would be "you gotta stay fresh to def!"- Pauly D. I say this because, I've noticed in my life, that one minute you could be the hottest ish to someone and then the next you're not, and someone else is the hot ish. I think that this is something one can experience at a young age, like a toddler all the way into to your senile age....or at least until you stop giving a damn. But as a kid, you notice this, but at the time i don't think you know what to call it, so i think maybe you would call it a show off....but as you get older that word changes into slut..lmao i kid I kid, no but for real, it's just the simple cycle of us human wanting the faster, quicker, most attractive things that we believe benefit us in some way or another. I'm no stranger to this cycle. Its like one minute, I go from being this amazing person that you can't get enough of, so we squeeze every minute out of the day to be together, and for awhile it goes strong. But then one day, I'm replaced by some other girl who may or may not be prettier than me, have a funnier laugh, who is smarter, whose sense of humor is different, who is closer, or willing to do what I won't. I went through that last night, this kid that I like, but I'm not in love with him...I just really like him as a person. But last night he was talking to a friend around the time he and I normally talk AND we normally call each other before one of us falls asleep, and he didn't call. Maybe I'm over analyzing, but idk I don't see how you stop doing that...hmmm makes you think ( sorry dad). Any who...before I fell asleep I told myself that I am great, funny, smart, beautiful, worth it, amazing and I'm not going to let anyone make me feel different because while I'm not the perfect girl, I'm me and thats the next BEST THING! :) So if you choose to stop being my friend or talking to me, well thats fine, it was nice knowing you....I'm on to do bigger and better things lol like find my BIKE! lol jp im not Pee Wee Herman

Born This Way

I only have 45 mins to write this out, and I'm going to try my best to. This semester has been a very trying one. There have been some good things and some bad things. At this point, with the semester coming close to an end, there's been a lot stressing me out, which has definitely affected my health. And today, I had a break down, I just couldn't help it. I felt the tears weld up in my eyes and I could feel the sickness of stress building up in my throat and tum belling in my stomach. At the time, I couldn't really think of who I could talk to that would help me calm down or tell me what to do. I ended up calling a friend who went through something similar and a very good friend that I've known for years who has always been there to make me smile. Both of them pretty much said that I was my biggest enemy, and it was all in my head. That the things I was worried about ( which at this point is music) was nothing to be worried about, that God wouldn't give me anything that I couldn't handle. And at the end of the day, if any one could do it, it would be me and I was not alone in this...I have the unconditional love of all my friends and family as well as their faith and support. They made me realize that I am capable of doing anything I want to and that I was born to perform, to sing, to be on stage. That alone is so comforting. I think as a young woman being an adult, I've felt that I should keep things in, good and bad, and just deal with it. However, today is clear evidence that I'm not alone and I don't have to be, and that its all a matter of the mind. I've always told people that if you want something, then you have to want it enough and believe in it and it will be...sometimes its hard to down some of your own medicine huh? But now that I've had this talk and I've thought about it, I feel soo invincible and proud. It's not promised that I will be flawless but I'm going TO BE THE BEST THAT I CAN BE AND IT WILL SHOW.


THANK YOU SOO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT, YOUR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, AND YOUR FAITH IN ME....IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS

I LOVE YOU

AND FINALLY TO MYSELF. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL,SMART, FUNNY, TALENTED,OUTGOING, CAPABLE, STRONG,A GREAT FRIEND, LOVABLE, HUGGABLE AND LOVED!!! YOU WERE BORN TO SING, TO ACT, TO PERFORM, TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH, TO LEAD, TO TEACH AND TO BE REMEMBERED. SO DON'T EVER SELL YOURSELF SHORT. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT TO, ITS JUST A MATTER OF DOING IT AND WANTING IT ENOUGH TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT. :) YOU WILL DO JUST FINE IN ANYTHING YOU DO! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF BECAUSE IT STARTS WITH YOU!

And Meet Me In My Boudoir...Make My Body Say Ah Ah Ah

I'm not sure how else to say this, but I'll just begin where ever my mind allows me to. So, I am now 21 years old, and in my few years of talking to heterosexual men, there has been this overwhelming sense of importance placed on the physical aspects of things...more so the female body. To this very day, I think it almost sickens me that for a guy to like me, he has to be attracted to my body, my thighs, my boobs or ass. And then it turns into..."oh ma, I love to do THIS and I LOVE TO DO THAT! AND OMG I LOVE IT WHEN A GIRL DOES THIS TO ME!" I'm just sitting here like WTF?! didn't I just get done telling you I DON'T WANT ANYTHING SEXUAL? I just want to take my time to get to know you? Idk if I'm like the only girl going through this right now, but I just feel like I have the rest of my life to have sex...so WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE NOW AT THIS VERY MOMENT?! Why do you talk to me like I have to bend to your will? What's so wrong with just getting to know someone? And now this physical is getting to the point where the thought of sex, really turns me off, really makes me sick. When I think of how some men talk to women, how some men talk to me....it makes me feel person-less, like an object...a little plaything. It's a really ugly feeling, it feels dark and lonely, big, blank, and spacious but in a bad way...I guess maybe you could call it isolated. And sometimes, I feel like I want to show a man how he makes me feel when I feel that way. How it feels to feel like an object, a pretty little plaything...only good for one thing. I feel like I want to hurt them, do what ever they think about doing to me to them. I watched a movie in my Ethics class called "Death & the Maiden" and in the movie Paulina says something along the lines of "I wanted to rape him, but a woman can't rape a man like a man can". Which I believe is very true. While some people can say a woman can force a man into sex, it's true but there's something different when you're a woman. I think what it is, being a woman, obviously we have vaginas and a man has to put himself into us for intercourse. There's just a sense of letting someone in. Like not only is genital sex a way of getting into the female body, but there's something else to it that goes beyond the physical. Maybe I'm weird but, its almost as if we are letting you into our inner selfs, physically and emotionally. And when there is a feeling of force whether it's just pressuring someone to do something or think something, or physically pressuring them, its not a good feeling. And because at the moment I'm taken with the idea of showing them( guys) how it feels to be pressured, to be forced, to appeal in only the physical, it heightens my curiosity in S&M.

S&M is something I had never heard of until I heard Rihanna's new song "S&M". S&M means sadism & masochism. Sadism is named after Marquis de Sade (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marquis_de_Sade) which is the pleasure of inflicting pain or suffering upon someone else and Masochism is the pleasure of inflicting pain or suffering upon yourself or from someone else...they both cycle each other. There is just something about the whole idea of S&M that really makes me curious. I guess my curiosity has something to do with feeling pressure or force from heterosexual men in physical and sexual ways. So with that said I think I'm going to read Marquis de Sade's "The Crimes of Love". I've read novels and pdfs about sexual violence/rape but this is on a whole other level. I'm not sure if I'll be able to mentally stomach the things I'll read but I will try, and I just might write about it.

So here's to all you "men" who make me feel person-less, who make me feel pressured, who make me feel this ugly feeling

Precious

I wrote this paper for my ethics class, I titled it "Precious"....

As hot tears stream down her cheeks, Precious sobbingly exclaims, “Nobody loves me!” Ms. Rain’s gentle eyes weld up with tears of compassion as she looks up at Precious and says, “People do love you Precious.” Through her hysterical sobs Precious says “Please don’t lie to me, Ms. Rain! Love ain’t done nothing for me but beat me….rape me…call me an animal! Make me feel worthless! Make me sick!” Given that violence is a forcible physical, emotional and verbal harm/abuse from one party to hurt another; Precious’s hatred for love and loving herself is a clear case that teaching someone to hate themselves is an act of violence. It is an act of violence because it negatively affects one’s mental well being as well as physical.

Growing up, I was often bullied and teased about my weight. Whether it was passed as a crumpled up note through class, chanted on the playground or constantly ringing through my ears on the bus ride home, it was always there. Of course, my mom would always say “sticks and stones can break your bones but words will never hurt you”, but I’m not sure if she also knew that “the tongue is like a sharp knife, it kills without drawing blood”. It was because of those nasty taunts that I went from a happy, relatively skinny kid to a chubby, self-conscious 9 year old. This constant reinforcement told me I wasn’t good enough and that I wasn’t pretty, and after hearing it for so many years, I couldn’t help but give into that negative thought. By the age of thirteen, I would look at myself in the mirror, and even though I wouldn’t physically cry, I could feel the sadness working up in my throat. I would change stances and think, this can’t be me…I don’t act like how I look. I would begin to wonder why I had this body if it didn’t fit me. All those years of taunting had sunk in and made me question myself, and even made me write about it… “ My pretty face is a waste ‘cause it’s stricken with hate for the aggression that’s on my plate, can’t turn it around, can’t switch up this frown, give me the crown that fits Queen of Down”. They made me hate the way I looked, and as innocent as a child’s taunting is, it was a nonetheless a violence.

While violence can affect one’s mental well being, the relationship between a mental well being and violence can directly affect someone’s physical being…it definitely affected mine. Prior to going into high school, the teasing hadn’t ceased, but it wasn’t as constant as it was a couple years before. However, once I got to high school, the big issue around my weight took a different form. I remember there was this one boy in my world studies class, who just looked simply handsome at 14 years old. There were days where I wouldn’t even pay attention to the teacher, I would just sit there and admire him from two rows across. The homecoming game and dance was within the next couple of weeks and I really wanted to go with him. So after class, I mustered up just enough courage to walk up to him and ask him to be my date. My palms were sweaty, my head throbbed and I felt all these pin like tinglings all over my body just to be laughed at and told “uhhh, I’m not into discovery channel…sorry Hippo”. At that very minute I wanted to cry and just die. A guy I really liked had embarrassed me in front of the whole class and myself. From that point on I was determined to become the skinny girl he would have always wanted but would never have. I was working out 3 hours a day every day and deprived myself of any carbs or sugars. At the age of 15, I had gone from weighing 180 lbs to 130 lbs in 3 months. While the change in weight didn’t look to bad for being 5’6, inside I was sick. The thought of food made me nauseous, smelling it made me dizzy, therefore making actual consumption very small in proportion. I had drastically changed my physical self and made myself sick at the same time. It was a bloodless violence I had committed to myself.

One may say that in order to commit violence, there has to be a physical in which there is blood spill or some type of physical marking, but why is it only a physical? Why can’t violence be in the form of a physical, emotional and or verbal harm/abuse, done to intentionally hurt someone else? Why can’t teaching someone to hate themselves be seen as violent, even if that way of hatred affects the mental and physical well being of someone. Isn’t crushing someone’s soul just as bad as crushing their head?

Just blah

Right now, I'm feeling like super low. I cant remember if ive ever felt this low before, but if i did, its been a long while. im not sure if i feel this way because theres just so much going on and only 1 of me with 24 hours in a day. whats stressing me is

school....
im taking 6 classes and out of all of them theres only only 2 that really require alot of studying, but the rest its like a music invasion. i feel like i have all these pieces to learn at least 8, and just not enough time to learn it. while the majority of the music is in english, and german and italian arent as hard as french but still. i feel like my head is going to explode. i feel like i have no time for my music...its just all opera and classical and arias and art songs. sorry dean and frank, you guys are going to have to take the back seat for awhile


work...
as it turns out, my job has found the cheapest way of stayin open without having soo many people there. every1 in my department is gettin 12 hour weeks. WTF?! are u serious? i got credit cards to pay, i got bills to pay, rent to pay...who can live on a barely 100$ check a week? so as of now im considering gettin a 2nd job bcuz i need the money, but if i take that 2nd job, where will that leave my time for school? and if i do get a 2nd job, wats going to happen with my health insurance????

working out...
so at the beginning of this year, i told myself i want to get into better shape and lose weight for myself. and so far so good, but now with school here, its so much more harder to find time to work out and do everything else i need to do. and on days where i dont get the chance to work out....i feel sooo bad. :( id hate to think that i wont be able to fully commit myself to my workouts and diet because i dont have the time to do this or that. ugh

and while family is family...theres always a problem. i just kinda wish things would lighten up a bit at home. i hate feeling like i did something wrong when i didnt, or that i should be quiet for sum odd reason when i have no reason to be silenced.

but i guess wat it all boils down to is, I NEED MORE TIME IN A DAY....ive felt this way before soo much ugh redunkulous....so idk what im going to do,but a change def has to start with me.....wish me luck...it may be awhile.


hopefully things get better