And Meet Me In My Boudoir...Make My Body Say Ah Ah Ah

I'm not sure how else to say this, but I'll just begin where ever my mind allows me to. So, I am now 21 years old, and in my few years of talking to heterosexual men, there has been this overwhelming sense of importance placed on the physical aspects of things...more so the female body. To this very day, I think it almost sickens me that for a guy to like me, he has to be attracted to my body, my thighs, my boobs or ass. And then it turns into..."oh ma, I love to do THIS and I LOVE TO DO THAT! AND OMG I LOVE IT WHEN A GIRL DOES THIS TO ME!" I'm just sitting here like WTF?! didn't I just get done telling you I DON'T WANT ANYTHING SEXUAL? I just want to take my time to get to know you? Idk if I'm like the only girl going through this right now, but I just feel like I have the rest of my life to have sex...so WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE NOW AT THIS VERY MOMENT?! Why do you talk to me like I have to bend to your will? What's so wrong with just getting to know someone? And now this physical is getting to the point where the thought of sex, really turns me off, really makes me sick. When I think of how some men talk to women, how some men talk to me....it makes me feel person-less, like an object...a little plaything. It's a really ugly feeling, it feels dark and lonely, big, blank, and spacious but in a bad way...I guess maybe you could call it isolated. And sometimes, I feel like I want to show a man how he makes me feel when I feel that way. How it feels to feel like an object, a pretty little plaything...only good for one thing. I feel like I want to hurt them, do what ever they think about doing to me to them. I watched a movie in my Ethics class called "Death & the Maiden" and in the movie Paulina says something along the lines of "I wanted to rape him, but a woman can't rape a man like a man can". Which I believe is very true. While some people can say a woman can force a man into sex, it's true but there's something different when you're a woman. I think what it is, being a woman, obviously we have vaginas and a man has to put himself into us for intercourse. There's just a sense of letting someone in. Like not only is genital sex a way of getting into the female body, but there's something else to it that goes beyond the physical. Maybe I'm weird but, its almost as if we are letting you into our inner selfs, physically and emotionally. And when there is a feeling of force whether it's just pressuring someone to do something or think something, or physically pressuring them, its not a good feeling. And because at the moment I'm taken with the idea of showing them( guys) how it feels to be pressured, to be forced, to appeal in only the physical, it heightens my curiosity in S&M.

S&M is something I had never heard of until I heard Rihanna's new song "S&M". S&M means sadism & masochism. Sadism is named after Marquis de Sade (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marquis_de_Sade) which is the pleasure of inflicting pain or suffering upon someone else and Masochism is the pleasure of inflicting pain or suffering upon yourself or from someone else...they both cycle each other. There is just something about the whole idea of S&M that really makes me curious. I guess my curiosity has something to do with feeling pressure or force from heterosexual men in physical and sexual ways. So with that said I think I'm going to read Marquis de Sade's "The Crimes of Love". I've read novels and pdfs about sexual violence/rape but this is on a whole other level. I'm not sure if I'll be able to mentally stomach the things I'll read but I will try, and I just might write about it.

So here's to all you "men" who make me feel person-less, who make me feel pressured, who make me feel this ugly feeling