Just one of those things

I was watching a favorite TV show of mine, and one of the characters said "this must be why life comes before love in the dictionary."

 How true is that? Isn't it? Time doesn't stop ticking and the world doesn't stop spinning just because your heart feels like it does. Everything just keeps going. Now, whether or not those love feelings stay as is or grow into something more...well that's up to fate.

 But it's this cycle of learning to just love in the moment and let go, it's what keeps us going...at least that's how I see it. I'm not up there in age,and yea I don't have 50+ years of life experience, but I think every life experience counts. Therefore I believe it's not difficult to love someone, it's falling in love with someone and being in love with them that can send you for a doozy.

 So I guess this is more for me than anyone else. I mean, if he knew...that would be cool, but I doubt it would make a difference in his mind, as his mind is already made up. So this is my way of slowly letting go, and trying to refocus my attention and energies solely on me,my goals and my priorities. I suppose I will always be that beautiful melody line, and I will always have a certain memory associated with my name. But I realize I'm more than just a heartfelt lullaby that you string onto your mind's clothes line.

I don't want to be remembered or treated as that purple stripped shirt you picked up and forgot to give back, or as a 2 hour time difference drive away, or as that neon wristband that lost it's glow, or as the ink on the receipt that faded away. I want to be something more special than that, and at the moment, the only one who understands and sees that is me.

You ask all the time why I have to be that cold, and its because I'm human! If I don't prepare myself for what can happen, then I'm stuck with could haves, should haves, would haves.

 So that's it, do you understand? What does it matter, you can't hear this, your eyes will just skim over it, and your mouth will still tell me the things I wish you felt instead of just said.

I remember quite a few times you tested me, to see if I'd really do the things I said I wouldn't. I did...and I felt bad for doing them. But this time around...it's just for me. I will do what I always do, which is ball this all up. Think of how far I'll throw this and forget that I left it somewhere in the cold intersection of 42 and -87.

It was just one of those things, just one of those crazy flings, one of those bells that now and then ring. just one of those things

Simplemente Feliz

I am proud to say that I have enjoyed 22 years of life,and will be going on 23. I've been to many places, experienced many things, accomplished many things, failed at many things...but it can simply summed up as I've been living and loving. I've met some amazing people and beautiful relationships have bloomed. But I truly believe that I have found someone who loves me just as I am and makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. The happy they make me feel is unlike any other happy I've experienced. It's just amazing. So I decided to write That smile, that look Your kiss, your embrace has me hooked That touch, that love your voice, your laugh satisfies me to the point where it's not enough I couldn't have told you 2 years ago that we'd be here today I couldn't have told you that at this very moment we'd feel this way How we did it, I'm not even sure but however we did it has me unbelievably happy that I don't want a cure You buffer out my rough edges and keep my affection jumping off ledges you see a beauty in me that I don't always see you have made yourself so much a part of me Simply happy even though I know we are miles apart Regardless of the distance we share pieces of each others' heart Simple happy because I know

Lover boy, you're the one!

Wow, it's been a while since I last blogged ( due to articles and papers, it has slowed down my blogging). However I am here on a very happy note. So there is this one guy, who I met earlier this year, but I didn't think much of him. Yeah he was and still is GAWGEOUS, but at the time my mind wasn't focused on his shinning ray of amazingly attractive man. I saw him later promoting an interest of his, and he ended up signing up for an interest of mine. Of course I didn't expect to see him much after that, but he surprised me. After being around him and working with him ( to some extent), I've come to realize he's very charming, nice, intelligent, passionate, respectful, mindful, and talkative/ articulate when he wants to be. Aside from all that, he has the body of a Greek God (Yummy!) :) And such a handsome face, which at times can cause me to glaze over lol. However, this guy really does fascinate me. He's pretty quiet, but when he's talking about something that interests him, he's like a really good book. And I believe it's because of his nature of being quiet...I just have a bazillion questions for him. That and the fact that the few interests I do know of him ( so far) are soo different from any one I know. I'm not sure what will become of this, but for now this is all very interesting to me and I'm ok with just going with the flow :)


So for now..."baby, oh baby, my sweet baby, you're the one!" :D

I only miss you when I'm breathing

I just wonder, is it me you're missing? Is it me you're thinking of? To be honest I can't tell. Your actions and lips tell me one thing but everything else seems to say otherwise. True, you are not mine and I am not yours, but I hope you take us more seriously than just a few good times. I hate that I have to busy myself so I don't think of you or if you're thinking of me too. I hate that I am unsure, and I hate that I think there is someone else. But what else can I do other then to just play it cool, like I don't care and its not that big of a deal. I know I put on a tough exterior but on the inside I am everything but tough and to think that our time might have been repeated with someone else in the same way, it breaks my heart. I feel like when I'm with you, I forget the "bad" feelings and I am in an unbearable submission that bends to you and your body. I need to get it together, I need to remember what I'm suppose to be doing and that this is merely pretty distraction for in between times...something like the good part of a dream in between nights of vivid-less nights of dreams. But fml I only miss you when I'm breathing.

Virus Research and Accessibility + Scientifical Morality ???

This week's essay set dealt with a very interesting topic that seemed to all relate back to biology. Fortunately I didn't need to review old high school notes to understand the matter. In Dr. Caplan's article "Should scientists create deadly viruses? Yes, says bioethicist," he raises quite a few thought provoking questions. He asks, should scientists study and create such viruses that can be dangerous and who gets to know about these viruses? These questions involve and provoke many personal opinions, but in the end Caplan believes that yes there should be scientists who study and create such viruses in order to understand the virus and its complexity as well as coming up with a cure to it. Caplan also argues that as far as who gets to work with/know about such projects, knowledge of such projects should be censored and restricted to the scientists and experts involved in the area of matter until they deem it is necessary to share with the public.

The next article was "Evolutionary biology and neuroscience are adding to our understanding of historically unscientific area," written by Patrick Tucker. In Tucker's article, he opens up this idea of morality, and that it's not just something we've adopted from our personal religions, but rather it is a "decision-making process" that they have pretty much got down to a science...literally. Trucker uses the analogy that our brain is much like a computer; that the means by which we understand right from wrong is our moral grammar(codes) and all those codes go to our moral hardware (the brain). Tucker also brings up the point that while we may never actually get to see morality on the screens in laboratories, it can be measured using the MEG and the data it produces may help to understand our morality scientifically.

Overall, I really enjoyed this week's essay set. Both articles seemed interesting and made me question myself on how I would answer the questions/points being raised in the articles. Even though I really liked the idea of our morality being a scientifical decision making process, how we have a moral grammar and that our brain is in fact the moral hardware;I didn't find it as interesting as Dr. Caplan's article. While I don't think scientists should just be standing around in a lab trying to birth a new plague, I do think trying to re-create a virus that currently has no cure yet is a valid effort.Seriously, have you seen Contagion? No but all jokes aside, I recently read an article that with the help of gamers, scientists were able to reconstruct a 3D model of a protein that enables the AIDS virus to multiply . By reconstructing this model, scientists are better abled to understand where to target this protein to enable the multiplication of AIDS in the cells. Tucker's article then brought up the question on who should have access/knowledge of such projects and censorship. I don't think scientists/ experts should have total access/knowledge of such things, but I don't think the government should either. I think they both need to know and share information as a means of checks and balances. However, I would expect that since the scientists/experts will be working on such projects, they out of everyone should be more knowledgeable about what ever it is they are working on. Isn't it interesting that Caplan's article questions our morality on virus research and accessibility, and yet Tucker wrote about it.


Here are the links if you'd like to read it, very interesting.

Dr. Caplan's article : http://vitals.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/27/9748055-should-scientists-create-deadly-viruses-yes-says-bioethicist

Patrick Tucker's article: http://www.wfs.org/Jan-Feb%2009/MoralBrain1.htm


ALSO!

Article to Gamers help cure aids article : http://www.geekologie.com/2011/09/gamers-now-with-more-helping-cure-aids.php

AND! Trailer to Contagion

Jars of Hearts

Sometimes we need to take a few moments to be sad, and just really lose ourselves in crying, grieving and heavy breathing. Once that's done, then it's not as bad any more. However, every now and then those sad moments come back again. And every time it comes back, sometimes its easier to get over and other times it not. But no matter what, I think it will somehow always hurt, not matter if its a day, week, months, years later...its the memory associated with it. I took a look into the past, not mine, but someone else's (Hueso's) and while yes, Hueso isn't the monster our society paints em out to be...that's just the association and social baggage. Looking back, I see a different person, someone who was being careless and taking everything for granted..their health, their well being, their freedom, their friends, their family, their future, their job. And who would have thought that one tiny tiny thing can domino effect on everything and everyone in their world. I have to admit, prior to all of this, not even I thought that far into it. But now I do...I have to, I need to and I want to. It makes me sad to see how Hueso use to be, to how many people Hueso left behind, and how life just kind of left Hueso behind.

Thinking about all of this has made me wonder about forgiveness. I was watching a movie and they said that forgiveness wasn't for the other person, but for you. Because staying mad, sad and upset is what enables you to be happy and to move on...therefore you end up in the same place you started in. I thought about it and in life its sooooooo easy to blame the other person...but not everything is conveniently unbalanced for that. There are situations where things are 50/50. So then I wonder...yes I still love Hueso with every heart beat in me, and I miss Hueso with every thing that is me, and I will always always care about Hueso...but did I forgive Hueso? I suppose not because the whole situation still makes me sad,upset and mad. But then I think of Dolosa, I don't know anything about Dolosa other than the fact that Dolosa was there, participated and willing. I tried looking Dolosa up to better figure out who Dolosa is and possibly Dolosa's motives but I just can't. Other than the obvious, I just don't see any repercussions on the other end, I don't see any gray. I suppose maybe that's why I can't forgive yet...I don't see fairness, I don't see how Dolosa is suffering/learning from it all. And sadly, things that happened between Hueso and Dolosa happen all the time and the law is just so stuck up on being black on white that it's vague, it's broad, open ended, and interpretive...leaving no room for gray, specificity, narrowing, close ended and factual.

I hope I can find a way to forgive fully, so I can fully move on.Until then...

Realizing Some Things

A couple weeks ago, a real handsome guy hit me up, and he seemed to fit my personality. Although I'm not trying to rush anything, I just don't see how you can talk and talk to some one and then all of a sudden disappear. The way I see it, the least you can do is let me know now isn't good time to talk or I guess pursue a friendship with a female. I'm not dumb, lol I can clearly see you're talking to someone. I guess my problem is, why do I have to walk 5 blocks, hop over a river, jump from tree to tree and then some just to figure this all out. But neh, life wouldn't be life if it was easy right? Hmm I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I have a lot going for me. My head and heart are in the right place, and yet I just can't seem to find a guy to just be my friend, and accept me and respect me for that. And most importantly to just love me for the person that I am. *smh* I guess there just isn't a guy out there right now that understands this. Well at least not one that isn't already related to me lol. O well, live and learn and succeed. I am confident that I will find the guy friend I want soon enough, just going to focus on me, my family and my responsibilities. :)
Night