What Hurts The Most

Wow, I really don't know where to start, everything just makes me sad and cry. Within this past year, I've come to a realization that good-byes are bitter sweet. When we say goodbye, it hurts so much, but every goodbye eventually leads to a hello somewhere down the road. My best friend just told me that she would be leaving next month and going back to Puerto Rico. When she told me, it was like getting hurt real bad. When she told me, I didn't feel anything, it took a couple of minutes for me to be like whoa, wait, what? Soon after my head began to thump with a headache and I felt the tears starting to weld up in my eyes. I sat down and just couldn't think of anything, I didn't know what to do with myself. A little while after, every memory I have with her flashed by in my head, and all the future hopes I had of making more memories flashed by. I decided the only way to ease my pain was to write about it. After finding a song that seemed to fit as close as possible to how I felt, I just blasted it and here I am. The tears were heavy as they dropped from my eyes, and I felt alone. The tears have stopped now, but that just temporary. I know this pain is a pain that I feel and will never leave me, it will sneak up on me and I'll cry about it, so here's a letter to you.

Dear Mio,

Wow, who would have thought that 2 and a half years later(2011), here's where we'd be. We've must have pondered this quite a few times, but here it is again. It honestly never occurred to me when I first met you, or from the few times that we talked would our acquaintance blossom into a friendship that I'll carry and remember for the rest of my life. Within these past 2 years and a half, we've spent seasons together,shared holidays, families, clothes, food, laughs, knowledge, a language, memories,secrets,nerves, ha even beds. We've made our own inside jokes. Who could ask for more in a best friend. I use to think that because we've been friends for so long, that a lot of me had rubbed off on you, but a lot of you has rubbed off on me, and I know you have because if you didn't it wouldn't hurt this much to say good bye to you. You've been there for me through the good and bad, happy or sad, nervous or chill, goofy and just normal, cold and hot, raining and sunny and you've accepted me for me. I've grown to love you and there's no greater love that can compare. I'm thinking about my favorite memory of you or of us and I don't have one cause there's so many. There's the haunted house, the Santa train, going to the beach, the fest ( ho bag), shopping, dancing/playing wii, dancing to "I want candy",going on our no homo dates ( valentines day dates) making my silly videos...gosh there's just so many. Funny thing is, you've gone away before, and it was still sad to say goodbye but this time its different. I guess its cause I know instead of being a couple of bus rides awhile, you'll be 2 connection flights away. I wish I had magical powers so I could rid you have everything bad and wrong that has happened, but I can't. I just know what has happened, good and bad will effect a tomorrow, a next week, a next month, a year from now...I just hope that what ever happens after this is for the best and I can see you again soon! Words can't express how much I'll miss you, but I know you feel it, and that's what matters. School will be a lot more lonely with you gone, the familiar sounds of "aye nena" and "wuacala" will ring in my ear's memory, and the feeling of your loving hug will be left engraved onto my soul. So with that said, goodbye best friend, I look forward to seeing you again, running to you and hugging you and saying hello. Thank you for everything, whether I've said it or covered it in this letter, you're amazing! I will miss you sooooo much! Don't forget me :)

Love you with all my heart,
Your best friend....Jackie

ps. This song is for you "What Hurts the Most" - Rascal Flatts

GREAT NEWS!

I dont even know what day it is lol just because this past week has been a blur, but a good blur. The Secret Garden show was amazing! :) I really enjoyed myself ( there will be a follow up blog for The Secret Garden), the cast party was great! I haven't established a set sleeping schedule yet, but no class manana! Just an interview with TRIO but I plan to get a good nights rest! But even better news, for awhile I was really stressing about a duet I had to perform. Now, I didn't practice my voice gone, but I did a reasonable amount of practicing, mostly in the shower AND I GOT SO MUCH BETTER! So earlier my duet partner and I had to perform the song for our voice teachers. It went very well, I was hoping for the best even though I was literally shaking in my boots because I was so nervous. So here I am, in about an hour I will in my vocal showcase attire and with little kitty ears on and ready but still nervous to sing my song. Heres hoping that if I mess up, I can play it off good! :) I also just really want to thank people who have been here helping me through this stressful,busy, good and bad time. Thank you Neydi, Jay, Sasha, Dr. Hurt, Heitzienger, Brett, Robert aka Boyfriend *lol*...your words mean soo much to me thanks! :) Well with that said, i'm just happy with that way things are now, and im SOOO LOOKING FOWARD TO THIS SEMESTER BEING OVER SO I CAN ENJOY SUMMER! :)

Mars in retrograde???

Today is just one of those days where you kind of wished you could have just stayed in bed sleeping or playing with your dsi. This morning didnt start out completely bad, it was ok. I woke up tired and feet still sore from last night's performance. I was in some bit of a time crunch cause I needed to get my things together for school and for a sleep over later at my friends house. I asked my brother to drop me off at school and of course he gave me shit. I get to school, went to practice and everything went fine. I went into my voice lessons still feeling the sleep in my eyes, but I came in with a mind set that said "I'm tired but I'm just going to sing the best I can and see what happens". My songs went pretty well, surprisingly since I was so tired...BUT then my duet partner came, which is no big deal cause I love her, but IDK I guess everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong. In an attempt to help me with my song, my voice teacher made some changes and OMG! it felt like they didnt help at all! You ever have one of those days where you spent like weeks and even the night before practicing something and you did it right the whole time, but then this time you go and do it and you just mess up...yea well that happened. Every attempt of singing the changed music just kept getting worse, and what made it even more discouraging was that my duet partner *whom even though, I LOVE TO DEATH! she's a couple years younger than me and college music wise, not as experienced as myself* was able to do it like nothing. At that point, I was singing at the full force of frustration and anger that I almost blew my voice out. YIKES! I think it became obvious to both my voice teacher *who told me she would not take an "I can't for an answer"* and my duet partner that I was getting really upset.Dito my poor duet partner took a couple steps from me and I can see something like a forced smile from my voice teacher as a way of just calming me down....I guess you don't wanna to see Hulk mad??? After that, my lesson had ended and I went into a practice room, to see if I could sing the new changes...but I could feel the frustration,anger and tears making my face red and hot. So I grabbed my things, plugged my headphones in my ears and tried jamming out to some Marc Anthony...no luck. I sat outside the Fine Arts building by the parking garage while trying to compose myself. Quite a few people walked past me, but I didn't want anyone seeing me cry, so I pulled my hood over my face and let the wind blow my hair around. Funny enough, a friend I use to write with in the magazine @ school walked past me and was like ..."Jackie?" She said that when she was coming down from the garage she saw me but didn't know it was me, but knew who ever it was sitting like that looked sad....ha, so much for hiding it right? I told her what happened and she of course told me to text her if I needed it...that was nice of her. I told her maybe I'd hit her up later. While this was all happening, I was texting a friend, whom so far has shown me he's pretty cool. This friend...he's seen tons of places, experienced so much, and has this discipline that most cannot say they've had but he's still there. :) It makes me happy :) He calmed me down a little bit, made me smile and reminded me of who I am and why....there he goes again. :) But he said something very interesting that I've never thought of he said "Me + positive thinking = Me taking over the world". It makes me tear up just thinking of it. Those are some really strong words and I think what really gets me is that it's so true. I'm not sure if this is something he knew already or learned while off in some exotic foreign land, but wherever it came from, I'm glad he said it. So the 2nd time around of singing the duet didn't go too bad. I was expecting worse. So it looks like it may happen...I'm hoping by Monday everything is fine...this weekend is just going to be a blur of music. Ugh BUT! like what 3 more weeks of school left? I'm geeked! Cause I wanna get my hair cut and styled, I want to take a fun singing class and dance class, re-arrange my room, go to the beach and tan, enjoy summer and maybe go to Florida and go to a baseball game. I'm in need of some serious "me" time. Ahhhhhh * sighs a happy sigh* I feel better! :) If you're reading this, I'm sorry I'm sucha yo-yo. My moods change just as fast as my ipod does on shuffle, but thank you for staying with me, being there for me, and just pushing through it with me. It means a lot to me :)

Final thoughts before i go to bed

After what feels like forever of rehearsing my show *the secret garden*, our show date is finally here.I am both excited and ready for it to be over.I have to admit,that at first i wasn't quite sure how the show would go,but I'm proud to say it looks great,I got close to some people and made new friends with others and just joked with others.through it all I was able to see and experience all the hard work that goes into a production.I know there was a lot more that i didn't see but I'm extremely appreciative to my director,conductor, choreographer, fellow cast,props and stage management, orchestra, dancers,tech crew and everyone else who made this show possible.and most of all,I'm proud of myself because there were quite a few times where i felt like i wanted to give up on everything,but i stuck with it....and now I'm here. This past semester has not been easy and I'm truly grateful for everyone who has given me their support throughout it all, it really keeps me going when I myself just feel unwilling to.but I like where things are at right now,I can't really complain,but i hope to make things better....I also want to say, that sometimes it takes someone who barely knows you to remind you of who you are,why you are and the light that you beam naturally. Night

One Day At A Time

I use to be really passive and just super chill about things...I wouldnt let even the smallest of things stress me out. But, somehow, thats changed and I worry about alot of things now....welcome to adulthood??? Anyway, this habit of worrying about things is a bad habit im trying to break. Thats not to say I wont ever worry about things....but for little things, theres no need to. Im trying to refocus my worrying on things that I think should be more important such as my physical and mental well being, my school work, my family and friends...everything else will fall into place. Im also realizing that, the more I tell guys what I want, the more they seem to just reinforce the idea of what I want and that right now, I'm so happy by myself. The bitter sweet to an exclusive relationship could really make things worse for me right now...I think. So for now, I think im going to take things in baby steps and just do ME! This change in lifestyle or maybe lack of, won't be easy and if you're reading this, then you really mean a lot to me. So please, I'm not sure at the moment how I'll need you and your help, but I will so please help out in what ever cause I will need it. Until that, I'm going to do my best to MAKE MYSELF HAPPY :)

Off to class :)

You Gotta Stay Fresh 2 DEF!

I was hoping that after the blog I wrote a couple days ago,that any blog afterwards would be on the brighter side....at least for a little while. And in thinking about life since that blog,I think things have gotten a little better,not the best but I'm trying. Any who, I guess an appropriate title for this blog would be "you gotta stay fresh to def!"- Pauly D. I say this because, I've noticed in my life, that one minute you could be the hottest ish to someone and then the next you're not, and someone else is the hot ish. I think that this is something one can experience at a young age, like a toddler all the way into to your senile age....or at least until you stop giving a damn. But as a kid, you notice this, but at the time i don't think you know what to call it, so i think maybe you would call it a show off....but as you get older that word changes into slut..lmao i kid I kid, no but for real, it's just the simple cycle of us human wanting the faster, quicker, most attractive things that we believe benefit us in some way or another. I'm no stranger to this cycle. Its like one minute, I go from being this amazing person that you can't get enough of, so we squeeze every minute out of the day to be together, and for awhile it goes strong. But then one day, I'm replaced by some other girl who may or may not be prettier than me, have a funnier laugh, who is smarter, whose sense of humor is different, who is closer, or willing to do what I won't. I went through that last night, this kid that I like, but I'm not in love with him...I just really like him as a person. But last night he was talking to a friend around the time he and I normally talk AND we normally call each other before one of us falls asleep, and he didn't call. Maybe I'm over analyzing, but idk I don't see how you stop doing that...hmmm makes you think ( sorry dad). Any who...before I fell asleep I told myself that I am great, funny, smart, beautiful, worth it, amazing and I'm not going to let anyone make me feel different because while I'm not the perfect girl, I'm me and thats the next BEST THING! :) So if you choose to stop being my friend or talking to me, well thats fine, it was nice knowing you....I'm on to do bigger and better things lol like find my BIKE! lol jp im not Pee Wee Herman