Jars of Hearts

Sometimes we need to take a few moments to be sad, and just really lose ourselves in crying, grieving and heavy breathing. Once that's done, then it's not as bad any more. However, every now and then those sad moments come back again. And every time it comes back, sometimes its easier to get over and other times it not. But no matter what, I think it will somehow always hurt, not matter if its a day, week, months, years later...its the memory associated with it. I took a look into the past, not mine, but someone else's (Hueso's) and while yes, Hueso isn't the monster our society paints em out to be...that's just the association and social baggage. Looking back, I see a different person, someone who was being careless and taking everything for granted..their health, their well being, their freedom, their friends, their family, their future, their job. And who would have thought that one tiny tiny thing can domino effect on everything and everyone in their world. I have to admit, prior to all of this, not even I thought that far into it. But now I do...I have to, I need to and I want to. It makes me sad to see how Hueso use to be, to how many people Hueso left behind, and how life just kind of left Hueso behind.

Thinking about all of this has made me wonder about forgiveness. I was watching a movie and they said that forgiveness wasn't for the other person, but for you. Because staying mad, sad and upset is what enables you to be happy and to move on...therefore you end up in the same place you started in. I thought about it and in life its sooooooo easy to blame the other person...but not everything is conveniently unbalanced for that. There are situations where things are 50/50. So then I wonder...yes I still love Hueso with every heart beat in me, and I miss Hueso with every thing that is me, and I will always always care about Hueso...but did I forgive Hueso? I suppose not because the whole situation still makes me sad,upset and mad. But then I think of Dolosa, I don't know anything about Dolosa other than the fact that Dolosa was there, participated and willing. I tried looking Dolosa up to better figure out who Dolosa is and possibly Dolosa's motives but I just can't. Other than the obvious, I just don't see any repercussions on the other end, I don't see any gray. I suppose maybe that's why I can't forgive yet...I don't see fairness, I don't see how Dolosa is suffering/learning from it all. And sadly, things that happened between Hueso and Dolosa happen all the time and the law is just so stuck up on being black on white that it's vague, it's broad, open ended, and interpretive...leaving no room for gray, specificity, narrowing, close ended and factual.

I hope I can find a way to forgive fully, so I can fully move on.Until then...