Doing My Laundry

Maybe I'm going through an enlightenment period or something because I'm really coming to terms with realization. Its obvious what Ive come to terms with because of previous blogs, but heres a new realization. I've realized that in life, no matter who you are, where your from or what ever the circumstance, its sooooo easy to be selfish. What really takes a lot of work is being a person who is selfless. Sometimes when life gets really really hard, I think how easy life would be if I wasn't there, not only for me but for others.Like right now, my parents don't have 1 child, but they still have me, would it matter if they had neither? What would happen? Would things get worse? Would things be cheaper? Would things be happy? Would they notice I was gone? Would life be as quiet as it is now, or would it be loud? I have my own speculations to some of those answers, but to be completely honest, I really don't know. Sometimes I feel like I would wanna know, but if I take myself, then I wouldn't ever know, would I? Thinking like this scares me. I'm not too religious, but I believe in a heaven, hell,god,devil, and sins. So when I start thinking like this, I feel like its not me thinking. Like its something bad, something thats not human-like. So i quickly weigh the good and the bad in my head and i realize good wins. So maybe I'm not too far gone, but far enough to explore the inner caverns of my mind. But getting back to my whole realization of selfishness vs. selflessness. I guess my parents are examples of being selfless. they give their all to my brother and I, regardless of where that leaves them. and i guess given my certain change of heart, I'm becoming more selfless. growing up is all about learning everything and anything about you, your surroundings, feelings and situations. glad theres friends who understand that and a blank page to accept my mental tattoos.

I'm only 21 but I've had my share of heartache thus far, and I feel like Im lucky at 21 to know what a want. Of course this may change, but I been like this for awhile,so I'm happy

Disappointed Much?

Well, I'm not disappointed in myself. This year has been a bunch of ups and downs, but right now its great! I was in a beautiful production of The Secret Garden, I met a lot of cool people, I've become more inspired and driven, made a lot of good memories, I got over my friend Lydia, I'm happy being single, I got accepted into TRIO, I declared my minor in music and will soon be declaring a major in theatre, got 4 A's and 1 B this semester AND AM CURRENTLY 2 PNTS AWAY FRM BEING A 3.0 which is my goal! Right now I have a lot going for me and I'm soo happy! :)

You're gunna miss this, and I know it because I will too

You know, life as beautiful as it is, it definitely has a sense of humor. It has a funny way of teaching you things and I think it's just unbelievable how one minute you have something and just as quickly as you got it, it's gone. And sometimes it feels like time takes forever, and other times you just wish you could freeze time. I've also come to realize that life is full of hello's and goodbyes. BUT! lol *chuckles* I think I've figured out why that is. Time takes forever to happen so you can better appreciate what you do have, and it makes you wanna freeze it so you can try engrave every sense and feeling into you're heart's memory so you don't ever forget. Lastly, life is full of goodbyes so you can make more hello's. Life is just bitter sweet, sometimes not so good things have to happen, so good things can. And then you realize when you really love someone, sometimes it hits you immediately and other times it takes awhile. But when you do realize it, you realize that even through the faults, the accidents, the bad, and the rough that you still see them in this beautiful light. You also realize that you will do what ever you can to make sure they are happy and stay that way, even if it means leaving you, sharing them with others and just letting them go when deep down you really don't want to. But isn't that the beauty of life? To Love. When I think about everyone I've loved and continue to love, I can't help but smile and fill with a feeling of joy.

As of right now, I am currently in the process of trying to get use to the idea that my best friend won't physically be here anymore ( which really makes me realize that we attach an unseen love to the physical). And while I've had to say more permanent goodbyes before, every goodbye has a different hurt to it. And this one hurts a lot, but I know I'm not the only one that feels this way, I'm not the only person in the world that's feeling this way right now. It makes me feel a little better knowing that, but that won't change the fact that there will be times where I'll cry about it, or smile at it, or even laugh to myself about it. And I think we feel this way, especially when we begin to miss someone,and it's because we don't want to be forgotten. However, when you really love someone like down to the core of your heart....you just can't forget someone, there will always be something. You may forget some things but there will always be something. And when you miss someone, you don't know how long you'll be missing them or sometimes how long you'll go without seeing them but this thing I know for sure

" I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or a week from now, a month from now, a year from now or even years from now. But what I do know is I love you today and I intend to love you forever"

- Me

So here's to everyone I've loved, and continue to love, but most importantly to my best friend. Things and life will change, some things will change because we make it change and other just cause that just how the cookie crumbles. And I may make another best friend, but no one will ever replace you. I hope you come back and we get to see each other soon. A lot will happen within the next 4 years, I just hope that as we become older, we travel more, learn more, love more, smile more and love every moment of it.

P.S. There's so many songs that came to mind when I thought of you leaving, but I think this song really expresses how I feel overall :) hope you like it and I know I'll miss this and miss you! :)