And Meet Me In My Boudoir...Make My Body Say Ah Ah Ah

I'm not sure how else to say this, but I'll just begin where ever my mind allows me to. So, I am now 21 years old, and in my few years of talking to heterosexual men, there has been this overwhelming sense of importance placed on the physical aspects of things...more so the female body. To this very day, I think it almost sickens me that for a guy to like me, he has to be attracted to my body, my thighs, my boobs or ass. And then it turns into..."oh ma, I love to do THIS and I LOVE TO DO THAT! AND OMG I LOVE IT WHEN A GIRL DOES THIS TO ME!" I'm just sitting here like WTF?! didn't I just get done telling you I DON'T WANT ANYTHING SEXUAL? I just want to take my time to get to know you? Idk if I'm like the only girl going through this right now, but I just feel like I have the rest of my life to have sex...so WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE NOW AT THIS VERY MOMENT?! Why do you talk to me like I have to bend to your will? What's so wrong with just getting to know someone? And now this physical is getting to the point where the thought of sex, really turns me off, really makes me sick. When I think of how some men talk to women, how some men talk to me....it makes me feel person-less, like an object...a little plaything. It's a really ugly feeling, it feels dark and lonely, big, blank, and spacious but in a bad way...I guess maybe you could call it isolated. And sometimes, I feel like I want to show a man how he makes me feel when I feel that way. How it feels to feel like an object, a pretty little plaything...only good for one thing. I feel like I want to hurt them, do what ever they think about doing to me to them. I watched a movie in my Ethics class called "Death & the Maiden" and in the movie Paulina says something along the lines of "I wanted to rape him, but a woman can't rape a man like a man can". Which I believe is very true. While some people can say a woman can force a man into sex, it's true but there's something different when you're a woman. I think what it is, being a woman, obviously we have vaginas and a man has to put himself into us for intercourse. There's just a sense of letting someone in. Like not only is genital sex a way of getting into the female body, but there's something else to it that goes beyond the physical. Maybe I'm weird but, its almost as if we are letting you into our inner selfs, physically and emotionally. And when there is a feeling of force whether it's just pressuring someone to do something or think something, or physically pressuring them, its not a good feeling. And because at the moment I'm taken with the idea of showing them( guys) how it feels to be pressured, to be forced, to appeal in only the physical, it heightens my curiosity in S&M.

S&M is something I had never heard of until I heard Rihanna's new song "S&M". S&M means sadism & masochism. Sadism is named after Marquis de Sade (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marquis_de_Sade) which is the pleasure of inflicting pain or suffering upon someone else and Masochism is the pleasure of inflicting pain or suffering upon yourself or from someone else...they both cycle each other. There is just something about the whole idea of S&M that really makes me curious. I guess my curiosity has something to do with feeling pressure or force from heterosexual men in physical and sexual ways. So with that said I think I'm going to read Marquis de Sade's "The Crimes of Love". I've read novels and pdfs about sexual violence/rape but this is on a whole other level. I'm not sure if I'll be able to mentally stomach the things I'll read but I will try, and I just might write about it.

So here's to all you "men" who make me feel person-less, who make me feel pressured, who make me feel this ugly feeling

Precious

I wrote this paper for my ethics class, I titled it "Precious"....

As hot tears stream down her cheeks, Precious sobbingly exclaims, “Nobody loves me!” Ms. Rain’s gentle eyes weld up with tears of compassion as she looks up at Precious and says, “People do love you Precious.” Through her hysterical sobs Precious says “Please don’t lie to me, Ms. Rain! Love ain’t done nothing for me but beat me….rape me…call me an animal! Make me feel worthless! Make me sick!” Given that violence is a forcible physical, emotional and verbal harm/abuse from one party to hurt another; Precious’s hatred for love and loving herself is a clear case that teaching someone to hate themselves is an act of violence. It is an act of violence because it negatively affects one’s mental well being as well as physical.

Growing up, I was often bullied and teased about my weight. Whether it was passed as a crumpled up note through class, chanted on the playground or constantly ringing through my ears on the bus ride home, it was always there. Of course, my mom would always say “sticks and stones can break your bones but words will never hurt you”, but I’m not sure if she also knew that “the tongue is like a sharp knife, it kills without drawing blood”. It was because of those nasty taunts that I went from a happy, relatively skinny kid to a chubby, self-conscious 9 year old. This constant reinforcement told me I wasn’t good enough and that I wasn’t pretty, and after hearing it for so many years, I couldn’t help but give into that negative thought. By the age of thirteen, I would look at myself in the mirror, and even though I wouldn’t physically cry, I could feel the sadness working up in my throat. I would change stances and think, this can’t be me…I don’t act like how I look. I would begin to wonder why I had this body if it didn’t fit me. All those years of taunting had sunk in and made me question myself, and even made me write about it… “ My pretty face is a waste ‘cause it’s stricken with hate for the aggression that’s on my plate, can’t turn it around, can’t switch up this frown, give me the crown that fits Queen of Down”. They made me hate the way I looked, and as innocent as a child’s taunting is, it was a nonetheless a violence.

While violence can affect one’s mental well being, the relationship between a mental well being and violence can directly affect someone’s physical being…it definitely affected mine. Prior to going into high school, the teasing hadn’t ceased, but it wasn’t as constant as it was a couple years before. However, once I got to high school, the big issue around my weight took a different form. I remember there was this one boy in my world studies class, who just looked simply handsome at 14 years old. There were days where I wouldn’t even pay attention to the teacher, I would just sit there and admire him from two rows across. The homecoming game and dance was within the next couple of weeks and I really wanted to go with him. So after class, I mustered up just enough courage to walk up to him and ask him to be my date. My palms were sweaty, my head throbbed and I felt all these pin like tinglings all over my body just to be laughed at and told “uhhh, I’m not into discovery channel…sorry Hippo”. At that very minute I wanted to cry and just die. A guy I really liked had embarrassed me in front of the whole class and myself. From that point on I was determined to become the skinny girl he would have always wanted but would never have. I was working out 3 hours a day every day and deprived myself of any carbs or sugars. At the age of 15, I had gone from weighing 180 lbs to 130 lbs in 3 months. While the change in weight didn’t look to bad for being 5’6, inside I was sick. The thought of food made me nauseous, smelling it made me dizzy, therefore making actual consumption very small in proportion. I had drastically changed my physical self and made myself sick at the same time. It was a bloodless violence I had committed to myself.

One may say that in order to commit violence, there has to be a physical in which there is blood spill or some type of physical marking, but why is it only a physical? Why can’t violence be in the form of a physical, emotional and or verbal harm/abuse, done to intentionally hurt someone else? Why can’t teaching someone to hate themselves be seen as violent, even if that way of hatred affects the mental and physical well being of someone. Isn’t crushing someone’s soul just as bad as crushing their head?