Every Song Reminds Me Of You

Dear Brother,

It seems like time has passed us by because it is now winter and I can't remember the last time I hugged you. However, what time doesn't know is, while yes it has passed us, we have become strong since. You and I have something that I didn't know would be here so soon. I knew it would come, but I just didn't know when. While I am glad its here, I am also a little sad to know you and I aren't together to celebrate it. By "it" I mean our brother/sister relationship.However, I do know that as a family, we are still in the thick of the storm. It's not as thick now as it has been, but as each day passes, the storm thins out and I just know that one day it won't be able to thin out any more because it will be gone. And when that day happens, the sun will shine and you will be home again. As I said before, it hurts to know there are days spent without you, but everyday without you, is one more day closer to being with you.

You know it's funny, there's a saying I've heard so many times as I was a teenager, but I never really understood it until now. Throughout the years, I use to think of which side I stood and which side was better. Many people who had come to their own understanding of the saying would tell me that their side was better.I use to go back and forth on it, but I think I've finally picked a side. The saying is " Some see the glass as half full or half empty." I think I am one that sees the glass as half full, and I am content with that. For me, to hear something is half empty, it just sounds bad to me, as a loss. But with something half full, there's something positive about it, something to gain. So I see all of this as a learning experience, a personal reason to educate others, as a reminder to live our lives with more awareness, and to just educate ourselves on as much as we can on whatever.Therefore making the glass half full. I suppose that its just the optimistic nature in me, but if one where to let negativity consume their mind, then what kind of life would that be?

I have to admit, since the first night without you, I've had you picture as my screen saver, and it has not changed since. And to tell you the truth, I don't get tired of looking at your face and your smile every time I turn on my screen name or log myself off. Your picture reminds me of a day that had a good ending, a day I will never forget. Of course mom and I got into an argument that day, I realized that from here on out, everything I did got me to where I was, which was walking across that stage to get my high school diploma. High school wasn't easy that's for sure, well looking back on the work, it was. But the growing up that comes with high school wasn't. I felt so proud though, I raised my hand in the air and I knew this was just the beginning of my life. I graduated with friends and I spent the day with my family, people who love me not matter what mistake I've made. And that brings me to my next point.

No matter what mistake you have made in life, your family loves you more than anything. While we hope that you will listen to our warnings and to what we say, we know that may not always be the case all the time. But I do hope that considering what's going on, you really do consider what you will do and just really analyze everything before you act and make the right choice. You are a lot smarter than you think yourself to be and a lot stronger too! So don't forget that.

I also wanted to say, when I look at you, I see a different person. Someone who has learned from their mistakes and is humbled by them. I see a young man so full of ambition, love and aspiration. You have done a complete turn about my love, and I AM PROUD OF YOU! I can see only good and amazing things to come from you, so please keep your head up little brother!

Lastly, I want to leave you with a status I put on my fb

"I just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY LITTLE BROTHER! :) You're not so little anymore, because in all actuality, you are taller and stronger than me. however you will always be my little brother. I just want you to know that even through all of our fights and arguments, even when you scare me and I dislike that, I wouldn't ask for another brother.I miss you and love you terribly. I hope God blesses you with the wisdom, understanding, strength, perseverance, and better health you may not have had last year. That you realize your family and friends love you so very much and you are awesome. Happy birthday and love you so much, your sister! ♥ Happy 21st braazsha!"


Love Always,

Your Sister

Life just happens...

You know, social networking sites are amazing! Who'd know you'd find your classmates from grammar school, you high school crush, a family member you haven't seen in years or even someone you work with. What all of these people have in common is that they all have some sort of relationship to you; friend, sweethearts, family, co worker etc. And the other day, I added some friends from grammar school, talked to some friends from high school, some friends from college and seen pics from family members I only see once a year and it made me realize that life just happens. I know people who are married or getting married, who have kids now or are expecting, people who have died, people who live in some other city of the world, people who have occupations I would have never guessed they would have, and some people who I just don't see anymore. And while life has changed my ability to talk and see these people, that doesn't stop me from missing them and thinking of them. I've come to realize that life just happens, most of the time we don't plan for what does happen, it just happens. But we adjust and continue living. There's people who are in different situations than I am in and it makes me appreciative of where I'm at in my life, good and bad. I just want life to know that I know she will throw me a curve ball when I'm least expecting, but I know I am a strong enough person to adjust to the curve ball and keep moving. So while I may not like all the changes life will put me through, I think I can honestly say, that's fine.

Just some food for thought

Thanks giving, always a nice way to say thank you!

Lately life hasn't been feeling very festive like it normally does, and I think it has to do with 1) I'm not a kid anymore and that holiday excitement has lost that luster and 2)well the obvious, that there are some people in my life that I am not with anymore. But that 2nd reason is the exact reason to why I am so thankful. I realize that a year ago, I had a lot in my life that I took for granted. I had a best friend that while I spent almost every waking moment with, it never occurred to me that one day I may not have that. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy our awesome friendship or make a bunch of memorable memories with her, CAUSE I DID! I guess I just thought that this day where it wouldn't be her and I wouldn't come and certainly not so fast. I miss her everyday and even though we don't talk as often as we did, and I haven't seen her in like half a year, I LOVE HER LIKE SHE WAS JUST A BUS RIDE AWAY :) But now that I'm not spending a thanksgiving with her, it makes me a little sad, but it makes me appreciate the time that I did spend with her and the awesome memories, pictures and videos I have of us together.

Next there's my brother who, once we both became teenagers, we kind of went out our separate ways. Thinking back to a year ago, my brother and I would eat so much at thanksgiving, and of course he would finish before me. But because I blocked his way out of his seat, he had to wait for me to finish. Then I would clear my place and head upstairs to fall asleep to Jeff Dunahm's Christmas, hog the remote, and take over the sofa. *laughs to myself* I wouldn't share the sofa, I'd tell him to sit in the chair or on the floor, but then when my back began to hurt, I'd roll on the floor and he'd be there to quickly take my spot on the sofa. We would often bicker about what to watch on TV and idk, I always seemed to win that one, but we would switch off on channels. Eventually mom would come upstairs, find us still like fat slugs digesting our food, and she'd tell us to come downstairs for dessert. Then there was always X-mas shopping. Of course my brother and I would bicker about who was going to wait in the warm car first. At the end of the whole thanksgiving festivities, I'd be frustrated from the crowds, and still fat from the food , and like I'd want my space from my family for a couple hours, but I wouldn't change a single thanksgiving that has passed. I wouldn't take back the bickering, the arguments, the headaches, the laughs, the memories, the jokes or anything because those are the things that makes my thanksgivings so memorable. I obviously can't be with my brother this year, but that doesn't mean I don't think of him every minute of the day, that I don't miss him, or stop loving him. In reality, I think of him every second my mind is free to think, I miss him and love him as much as I possibly can in respect to our situation. I just want him to know that I look forward to thanksgivings with him again soon and that I love him very much!

So I says to the guy....

Now maybe I'm being a bitch because plans that I had made a week ago with someone...well they went astray *fuck you today*. Maybe I'm just frustrated that the one day I have free, I'm not doing anything or have anything to do. Or the one day I have free, no one is hitting me up like they normally are when I'm busy. Or maybe I'm just being a face ass cause it seems as though like a good mmmm 100% of the guys who don't know me or aren't my friends ARE SO FUCKIN NARROW MINDED AND HORNY SLOBS!

I get it, (1) your girlfriend caught you at the club motor boating some drunk *white girl wasted* chick, (2) your girlfriend came home and found you watching gay porn and your excuse was that there was one girl in there at first (3) or you girlfriend just realized you're an asshole AND FOR ONE OR ALL OF THOSE REASONS, SHE LEFT YOUR ASS! So because she left you, your left with a case of Papa Smirf Blue Balls *It's a legit diagnosis, look it up ;) * Therefore making you incapable of thinking with one of the most vital organs in your body....you BRAIN!

So I'm on one of my social networking sites, and its far more stranger danger than any other website I've been to. Like seriously, ANYONE ON THAT THING CAN FIND YOU AND HIT YOU UP! *Home Alone screams*





Guy # 1 on 10/23/11

So this guy hits me up with an IM, and I decide to check out his page before I say hi. Based on what he wrote about himself on his page, he seemed like a nice guy; smart, in school, sociable, fun, doing things with his life...and he had a real nice smile. So I responded back with a text friendly Hi. So we start talking, after the essential question of ASL, he then asked me if I was Puerto Rican. My response was, what does it matter, he then told me because Puerto Rican girls normally have big butts and he likes that. I just roll my eyes and ignore his question and tell him that big booties are a stereotype. Not every woman has an ass you can put a cup on like memory foam on a bed. He just laughs.....of course he does.Face ass. So the more he tries to get an answer at me, the more my remarks become snippier. He then asked me the stupid "F" questions, "So are you a freak ma?" OMG! I can't tell you how much I hate that stupid question....WTF! So I tell him I'm not a freak at all, I am actually the best worst turn off ever and I'm not the "big booty rican" he's looking for. He jokes and says that it doesn't matter, yet hes still hinting big booty jokes? WTF?! After awhile I become frustrated and I tell him that looks come and go, how you look now may not be what you look like 10 years from now. He tells me he knows, but I don't think he really understands. So I tell him that what I want is a guy to notice me and be interested in me because I can hold a good conversation, I am a knowledgeable and good person, my talents, because I enjoy the simple things in life, I understand and value family, I love to travel, I often quote movies, I love comedies, my accomplishments....stuff like that. I don't want to be noticed because I look like a good time in your bed. After I said that HE HAD NOTHING TO SAY! Of course I was sooo pissed off that I finally ended the conversation by asking
"Can you please keep talking to me like a piece of ass, so I can keep being a sarcastic bitch towards you.....YOU'RE HELPING ME WRITE! :D"

I got no response lol

Guy # 2 10/24/11

Head Over Heels and Hopeful

If you remember for a couple blogs ago, I wrote about a guy that I had been recently crushing on. And I am currently still very much crushing on him. Yesterday was his birthday and while I didn't get to wish him a happy birthday in person, I texted him a happy bithday wish and sang him happy birthday. At the end of the day, he called me and told me about his wonderful day. Idk if it was the candy corn that I ate earlier that day or if it was because I was sooo happy to talk to him ( which I am when ever I talk to him). He told me about his bday day and I WAS SOO HAPPY TO HEAR HOW HIS DAY WENT, which was good! We kept talking about random things, life, girls, school, sex...just everything. We got to this point in our conversation where it got real deep for me, and I told him some real personal stuff. We had quite a few laughs and before he had to go, I decided, TELL HIM! It was definitely hard for me to tell him, my heart was racing, it was a lil hard for me to catch a breath,but I finally told him. He told me he was extremely flatted and I could hear his smile over the phone.I told him that I didnt want him to feel weird or anything but I wanted to know I liked him. Ugh I'm feeling so much. I just really hope that what ever happens its for the better! :) Until then...I guess im just head over heels

Truthfully Stressed Out

It is 9:40am Monday Morning...and while I should be getting ready, I felt like I just had to blog. I am so overwhelmed! I've had a family situation since May, which is just not letting go and the thought of it seems to bounce in my mind every now and then, but when I don't think about it, I know it's still there. I've told some teachers about it and they kind of give me this little pat on the back and say "we all have problems, sorry you're going through a tough one, but just kind of get over it". Well they may not say that exactly like that, but it comes across to me that way, and after hearing that I kind of feel bad for letting those thoughts take over me. So I began to really focus on myself, and prioritize my time better, and plan things out,keep myself busy. And while I love the feeling of accomplishment and just being able to say I did it, I realize I'm leaving no time for my physical and mental well being. I already dropped my big ensemble class in order to give time to my family situation, and I decided to keep my private lessons, you know as something for me. But at the time, I just feel like it's too much, I make time to dedicate to my singing for class, but it just doesn't feel like it's enough. And I feel like when I go to class, I am wasting my teacher's time because I'm not as prepared as she needs me to be and I'm a little disappointed in myself because of that, but I know that my time wasn't used in vain. Given everything that's going on, everything I'm trying to manage, I'm doing the best I can. So today I think I'm going to tell my teacher, I'm sorry but this is just a bad time for me, and I really need to focus on other things, but thank you for your support. I am going to use today for me and just relax....I need it.

Excited to relax

p.s. I am not super religious, but I do believe in God, a power beyond me. I know you would not give me anything that I couldn't handle and I am doing my best to stay strong and positive, but I feel like I can't do this on my own. Please give me the patience, understanding, strength and right guidance to keep myself healthy mentally and physically, as well as my family and friends. Thank You

Idk why but :)

I am ridiculously tired, but idk, I just can't help myself. I HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT IT! :) I have been single for about 2ish years. I've talked to some guys in between then, but nothing to serious. 2 years being single has made me a little lonely, and I realized that while I have friends who are back and forth happy and upset in their relationships, I have some friends that are truly happy in their relationships. When I see them I just smile, wish them a life time of happiness and hope that I can be that way soon. I realized that for me to get that, I just need a friend first. Someone I can be myself around, who will respect me, my thoughts and dreams, someone who is honest, has a sense of humor, truthful, sweet and good natured, and someone who I can just call up and be like "hey do you wanna go do something right now" and not have it be sexual. We could just genuinely enjoy each other's company and laugh :) I realized that when you just tell someone you like them and don't take the time to get to know them, things are rushed, feelings developed, feelings are hurt and relationships don't last...usually. However, I think I finally found someone who fits what I want :) YAY! I've been around this guy for awhile, but just recently started talking to him. It started off with silly jokes about work, then eventually we talked about going out dancing and just enjoying ourselves, nothing was set in stone though. Eventually I asked him for his #, we didn't text immediately, but I still had his number. Then a few weeks ago, I just didn't see him, he saw me a week ago and was like "OMG WHERE HAVE U BEEN?!" After having something short of a reunion, we started texting, then before I knew it, we were texting throughout the night, talking on the phone for awhile, and having meaningful conversations. Through taking to him, I began to like him. I mean don't get me wrong, the kid is real good looking. and omg I LOVE HIS SMILE! it's so adorable! He has a man's body, I can tell, he has the kind of body that you know can protect and is strong, but at the same time, loving. His voice is deep but its pleasing to my ear. There's just so many little things about him that make this greater picture and I just ADORE IT! :) He's a little younger than me, which right from the start, I thought would take away any chances of me liking him in such a way. But! He has a plan, he has ideas, he's outgoing, he knows how he wants to get where he wants to be and I admire that so much in him, especially for his age...which is only a few years younger than me.

I guess I have a little crush on him and I'm just overly happy with everything about him and about us :) He's such a sweetheart and so funny. Aye I can't just let this go. It's been awhile since I've felt this way about anybody and idk I guess I have a belly full of butterflies. When I think of him, every cutesy love song I know of plays in my mind, which is funny, because I'm not in love with him, and I don't think I love him....I'M JUST SOOO EXCITED THAT I HAVE THE FRIEND THAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED WHO HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE SOMETHING AMAZING WITH ME! :) I honestly don't know where I'll be a month from now, or what our relationship will be by then, BUT I HOPE ITS SOMETHING GOOD! :) So to reflect how I feel, here's a song :)