Do Fries Come with that Shake Baby? Ummm No :/

I believe when you see me, you see my weight, but you don't see it. Like you know I'm a big girl, but there's just so much to me as a person that you don't see it. And while I love my family and friends who to this day (lol) insist I am not fat. Thank you guys, lol you guys def help me keep my head up. I love their support and belief in the things I do, my aspirations, my goals and me as a person, but I think an other kind of support now.

I don't go shopping for clothes often, for many reasons that aren't related to my weight at all. But when I do, it's like I miss the world memo of when to buy clothes that day, because when I go, EVERYTHING IN MY SIZE IS GONE! WTF?! There must be more fattys out there, at least more than I realize. So by the end of my shopping experience, I am normally feeling frustrated, upset, mad, like I want to cry, but most importantly I WANT TO CHANGE!

I am tired of working out and sticking to it and because of so many other things, I have to stop and focus on other things. Its a little sad because the people that love me know that food is def 1 of the keys to my soul, you cook for me I'm in love, but poor eating habits and not eating the right things are taking a toll.

I hoped that if I read some "fat girl" books, I'd feel inspired to lose weight. If I thought about my high blood pressure and possible future health complications, then I'd be more motivated to lose weight. And I do, but that's short lived due to my crazy life. I need this change to be permanent! I need a strong support system for this, I need your help to help me get there.

So as I take my last bite of a greasy, melt in your mouth artery clogging goodness along with the last of the amazingly salty high blood pressure booster fries, I am vowing to do the best I can to lose some and live a healthier lifestyle

It's just so sad...

I've been having a family situation that has really opened up my eyes to what's really going on. I see and feel the consequences of people's actions, both good and bad. And the bad ones, they make me sooo sad. When something bad happens, there is pain and suffering on both sides, no one wins. Given the situation I'm in, I try not to judge others, I try to take what I visually and audibly consume and process it, but try not to analyze it. I try to let be what is and try to move on to something that leads to positivity * yea I think I just made up a new word, but it makes sense right?* And while I should be doing homework, homework is what brought me here, and my current situation is what fuels me for everything. So I'm not sure if I unknowingly manipulated things to fit into a way for me to relate or catch my interest or if it just happened to be here, a friend says it was always there, I just never had a need to look into it or see it because I didn't know it. Anyway here I am making a mental connection between my current situation and homework. But I guess that's how you learn right? Take what you learn in class and apply it to real life.

My homework assignment is to find 3 current events each week and develop a simple objective question to them and give a truthful factual answer to it. I try to find stories more so in print, but more importantly I try to find stories that wouldn't be on the front page. I try to find the stories I think my fellow classmates would not have even looked at in their google searches. So today I came across a story about how the U.S. prison system will be taking away, inmates who are sentenced to lethal injection, request to have a final meal. I'm not sure what reasons gave away to this decision, I'm sure it boils down to one individual who, for lack of better words, fucked it up for everyone else. But thats not the main point. After reading that article, I googled lethal injections, and I read Wiki's articles on it. I then read about recent "hot topic" cases that involved lethal injection. I read about their last meal requests, their convictions and the affects their cases had on other people. I was just in an awe at lethal injections and the fact that we put soooo must trust in our legal system when everything seems biased, AND IM AMAZED AT THE FACT THAT according to the media, it seems like some people just "click" the wrong way, and BOOM we have a rapist, a terrorist, a murderer, a robber, a no good to society. Thinking about it made me feel incredibly sad, so I went back to my homework. However, sadness wasn't done with me yet. I was looking for a local headlining story when I came across a story of a young man, who was a gang banger looking for another rival gang. This gang member was with a couple of other members just cursing around the neighborhood when they found this one kid who was walking from his girlfriend's house. One gang member shouted out to this kid what he repped, and when he got no reply, the gang member came out with a metal bat and beat the kid senseless. The gang member then took the kid's phone, called the kid's girlfriend and told her what he had just done proudly, then left the kid on the side of the street. The gang member is now in county with no bail and the kid is still in a coma. BUT ITS LIKE WTF!? Do we really have this many people out there who just have nothing else to do but to be stupid? Do we really have this many lawyers and judges who could careless? Do we really have jail and prison systems overcrowding just so someone can get paid? Is there no hope?

All of this just makes me sick! I really hope that the things I'm doing now will better my future and make people happy. I hope that the kids that I teach will learn something positive and FEEL it! I hope that what I can teach them keeps them off the streets, out of harm's way so that we can live in a society where we aren't hurting others because of their skin color, what they wear, because we are mad or lonely. What I ultimately want is for no one to go through the pain of losing someone to jail, drugs, diseases, sex, and violence. If someone is meant to go, let the man upstairs take care of it, don't take it into your hands to play God.

I think this song sums up perfectly how I feel....AMEN

Aren't You a Little Stinker :P

Hmm, well before I had a lil scare with my kitty, Lieben, I was totally prepared to give this full figured speech/blog...splog? Naw guess not, but anyway I was prepared to lay it all on the line going full speed to Dickhead-ville. My adrenaline has taken my firey punch away...well some of it, but I'm still gonna put this out there. Now, I'm going try to make this short,possibly sweet and simple because this pretty little lady has gotta be up for class tomorrow morning, but nevertheless, this has to be said. Sooooooo on one of my social networking sites, my current status is "I stand corrected guys, still SMH. I try to be nice but I can't help it if you're a douchebag...sry LOL" I know it sounds a little harsh and yeah I'm no Miss Universe, but still....really guys? I can't tell you how exhausting it is for a guy to start talking to you, and your "THIS GUY IS THIRSTY FOR PUSSY!!!" meter goes off....umm I think theres another word for that....oh yeah, a woman's intuition. Anyways, call it what you want, but a red flag raises up on your end and now you're stuck talking to a guy that can't get his dick wet even if he drooled on it. At this point your face is like
<------- FML

So then he goes off telling you how he doesn't want friends with benefits, he wants a real girl (Sorry Pinocchio). Then he goes off saying how he just wants someone to be serious with, and all this blah blah blah blah blah. What it all translates into is "Nawwwww Cowardly Lion, you won't get a heart, but follow the yellow brick road anyway down to my City of Oz." And the funny part is he thinks that if he tells you he wants a "relationship", "something serious", that you'll be like "awww sooo sweet! He's too much of a gentleman to want anything sexually, he just wants live out the lyrics to Katy Perry's Teenage Dream, which OMG! IS MY FAVORITE SONG EVAR!" Omg and here's the best part, even though you both go back and forth on the subject of what is left of a relationship if all you have is sex, and he insists that what you're saying isn't true, he then finally ends the convo saying "everything leads to sex and thats what I WANT!" Then he starts to macho man himself up by saying that the reason you're not a sex enthusiast (like him) is because you haven't had sex with him, that you don't know what "a man feels like", that hes "top notch" and "never fails." WTF IS THIS? A CHEVY COMMERCIAL FROM BACK IN THE DAY WHEN THEY USED THE SONG "LIKE A ROCK"? ha lol pun intended!

At that point you want to just agree to disagree, BUT YOU CAN'T! Nooooooo Lassy! As an educated woman who won't stand for such objectifying and lies YOU MUST TELL HIM HOW IT IS, YOU MUST HOLD UP THAT MIRROR AND LET HIM KNOW HE'S NO *insert you vibrator's pet name* AND HE ISN'T NEARLY AS GOOD AS YOUR BLUE DOLPHIN!!! Once you do so, he will reply in some misogynistic manner like "FUCK U BITCH", "YOU'RE UGLY AND FAT" or both if you really pissed him off. Or he may just say "wow BYE", like that's suppose to hurt you. By then you should be LAUGHING YOUR FUCKING ASS OFF because not only did catch on to him quick, you shoved his words back in his face, and because he will probably have to rub one out. His behavior is one of a serious matter because to the infected person, the side effects are dormant ( not visible), but to you that mofo REEKS of Summer's Eve....its a little something I like to call ULTRA MEGA DOUCHEBAG SYNDROME! Now this infectious disease will get you regardless if you're wearing Ed Hardy or not, bronzed up or pale, wearing sunglasses in the club or a neck brace. It's totally color blind and not at all discriminate towards its potential carrier. So here's to you douchebag :)

By the way, I read this in a book called "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" - Tucker Max, I'm pretty sure his misogynistic friend said it

"If it lacks a price, it is probably worthless"

Just an FYI

Enjoy the music douchebag :P

Wow, right now I feel like I have everything to say and just don't know how to say it, or where to start. It's taken me awhile to bring myself to write about it. Maybe I can actually write write to you how I'm feeling

Heart beating and it almost scares me

Sending goosebumps down my spine and thoughts that seem to carry

Carry my imagination to a place that's lonely and dark

Where black tries to consume my heart

But I won't let it, no I won't

I have to stay here, be here strong, for you, for mom and dad

I refuse to give into the devil's tricky hand

Day and night he sneaks into my mind and makes me think the worst

But I know God loves me and you, and if I believe and trust they wont, then those bad thoughts wont hurt

It gets hard sometimes, I find myself thinking of ways to unravel this mess

Until I can have you home and safe I feel like my soul wont rest

I need you here, I need to feel your hugs and love

I long for the time where I'll hear your voice in my ear instead of

Through a crackeling phone or through the glass of total separation

Dito, you are all my love and adoration

You mean more to me than you'll ever know

And regardless of everything I'll never fail to show you just how much

SO PLEASE DONT DONT LET YOUR PAST MISTAKES DEFINE YOU!!!

This is a service announcement to all my ladies

I remember a good friend once told me that "pussy is power". And for awhile I just didn't understand, like fully understand what she meant. But now that I'm a little older, I'VE COME TO MY OWN FULL UNDERSTANDING of what she said. I think growing up, for most of us, sex isn't a topic we openly talk about to our parents, especially to our mothers (which is a shame cause I think they definitely know a little more than we do about life and our ladies parts than we do). For example, back in 07 I remember there being this big thing about cervical cancer and the HPV vaccine. So many women that were close to me where either being diagnosed with cervical cancer and or getting the HPV vaccine. I remember asking my mom about it all and I told her that because quite a few women I knew where getting the HPV vaccine because it can help prevent cervical cancer and protect against the most common types of HPV ( which aren't all sexual) that I wanted it. After that, I remember her kind of scolding me that cervical cancer and the vaccine were only for girls who were having sex....and of course that's not true. So since then, if there was anything sexual that I wasn't sure about, I took it upon myself to educate myself.

Since graduating high school, I had had a few boyfriends and things did get serious with some of them. And let me tell you! YOUR MOM IS SOOO RIGHT IN SAYING THAT GUYS WILL TELL YOU ANYTHING TO GET IN YOUR PANTS, and when all that fails, they will try to make you feel bad for not wanting to have sex.

Here's my service announcement:

"For every action, there is a consequence, and we as WOMEN MUST REMAIN STRONG because we are a lot more stronger than we give ourselves credit for...and ultimately the beautiful ability of life rests in our hands"

And that my friends is the understanding I've come to understand when my friend told me "pussy is power". And how right she is! No one, including the boyfriend the says he loves you more than world itself should ever pressure you into doing something you don't want to, especially sexually. I believe educated women, women who value themselves and their bodies know better in this situation. I know I sound like some sort of preacher, and I'm only in my early 20's but what I say is true. I remember one time, I was in class reading and all of sudden the silence in the room became as loud as a roaring train and it almost knocked me out of my chair, that if I wasn't careful with what I did ( blinding trusting a guy that he was clean of diseases and wearing condoms) THAT I WOULD END UP IN A CRAZY AMOUNT OF TROUBLE WITH MY FAMILY, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY WITH MY HEALTH.

The way I see it now, NO GUY is worth my health and future, and to be totally honest, as much as guys love sex, A LOT OF THEM ARE CLUELESS WHEN IT COMES TO MATTERS OF YOUR TOTO! It's almost laughable how uneducated they are about it. So with that said ladies,

TAKE IT UPON YOURSELVES TO GET TESTED, TO FIND AND REGULARLY SEE A GYNECOLOGIST THAT YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH, GET TREATED FOR ANYTHING THAT MAY CAUSE HEALTH COMPLICATIONS IN THE FUTURE, ULTIMATELY VALUE YOURSELF AND BODY AND NEVER LET ANYONE BELITTLE YOUR VALUES!!!

Being a woman is a beautiful thing, we have a strength that is bigger than us, we take every good and bad thing and continue to love, we have an amazing tolerance and we are the cause and effect of our existence...don't take that lightly.

I love you all, my beautiful ladies!

P.S. love your mothers, because good or bad, they will be there and you only get 1 mom, so love her like no other!

"I got the swag and it's pumping out my ovaries" <--- :P

I just can't make you happy

I take a deep breath and try to let it out slowly
Inhale....exhale
Inhale....exhale
Inhale....exhale
Do I want to forget and try to live in your make believe fairy tale?
Should I just forget and let you have your cake and eat it too?
Should I continue to try to love you and just let everything pass through?
Do I ignore her scent on your pillows, pretend not to taste her lip gloss on your lips, make myself numb to her warmth that lingers on your dick?
You call it love making, but my body is just there,while I float away aimlessly
Wondering what's wrong with me, why am I still here?

I thought I could teach you how to love without fear, but how can I when you're still unresolved in your past?

I thought I'd be easy for you to trust, but how can you when your mind is still stuck in a mental cask?

Yes, I am care-free, and while its not easy, its not impossible

Yes, I'm not the jealous type but that doesn't change the fact that I don't trust her

In the heat of it all, we all lose it

We stop thinking, and start feeding off of our wants and desires

We give into lust which burns as fast as dry fire

We forget and let it devour us

I don't want to be there when you forget cause she's leading you there

You tell me how I feel is unexpected, shocking and you try to make me feel bad

But I'm not stupid, add you 2 together, subtract every bit of clothing, divide her legs in half and

Before you know it, she's moaning your name, and you are loving her

It makes me sick to think you will tell her everything you told me

It makes me feel stupid trusting your false grantee

I realized on the way home as the wind tried to push back my tears and as I tried to swallow my sadness, that I can not bring you the happiness

The happiness you want and to be honest its cause I'm selfish

And I refuse to share myself with someone who doesn't understand the value and limits of sharing and who is sharing every sweet lie and every stroke with the world

No I don't wish bad upon you, but I want you to learn and eventually come to an understanding

So give me a reason to be, give me a reason to love you

btw I hate that this song will always make me think of u......

Yo Quisiera Amarlo

I wanted to write exactly how I was feeling in a poem, but so much is flying around my head, so maybe if I write it out here, a pretty poem will result.

So there's a guy I've been talking to for a couple weeks now. He, up until this point seemed head over heels for me before me. But now, I think the tables have turned, or at least the table clothes are the same color now, but at this point, I'm not sure if either of us realize it, I think I do. He was soooo madly into me, every minute resisting a kiss, but then gave in. Almost every sidewalk was accompanied with us hand in hand. Every other other whisper was him telling me how beautiful I was to him, and me blushing with a thanking smile. Every hug was heart felt and sincere. And at the beginning, while I heard it and felt it, it wasn't sinking in. It finally sank in last night while we were in dazing embrace of hugs and kisses. At that moment, I felt no shame in anything, I felt so clean,free,beautiful,happy,cared for, and maybe a passionate compassion of love? He had whispered to me earlier that I am someone he could love and said he was scared cause he thought he was starting to love me already, and my response to him was "don't be scared to love, just love". Later that night, I whispered to him I thought I was starting to love him too. His response was for me to be careful because that's not a word he throws around or feels should be thrown around because of feelings that in the moment can confuse us. And while I heard what he said, at that moment, I didn't really care because I was just so happy and I gave into not being scared and just loving it all. The night ended, morning came and he called just to tell me good night, he was thinking of me and missing me already...how cute is that. I only slept 5 hours, but I woke up (not rested) but ready. I went to work in a good mood and came out hoping to talk to him. It didn't really work out that way, but neh I figured it was whatever.

I finally got home and my phone rang, it was him on the other end. He called to tell me a friend was coming over to watch the game, as soon as he said that my heart sank and I quickly switched my tone to indifferent.