Wow, right now I feel like I have everything to say and just don't know how to say it, or where to start. It's taken me awhile to bring myself to write about it. Maybe I can actually write write to you how I'm feeling

Heart beating and it almost scares me

Sending goosebumps down my spine and thoughts that seem to carry

Carry my imagination to a place that's lonely and dark

Where black tries to consume my heart

But I won't let it, no I won't

I have to stay here, be here strong, for you, for mom and dad

I refuse to give into the devil's tricky hand

Day and night he sneaks into my mind and makes me think the worst

But I know God loves me and you, and if I believe and trust they wont, then those bad thoughts wont hurt

It gets hard sometimes, I find myself thinking of ways to unravel this mess

Until I can have you home and safe I feel like my soul wont rest

I need you here, I need to feel your hugs and love

I long for the time where I'll hear your voice in my ear instead of

Through a crackeling phone or through the glass of total separation

Dito, you are all my love and adoration

You mean more to me than you'll ever know

And regardless of everything I'll never fail to show you just how much

SO PLEASE DONT DONT LET YOUR PAST MISTAKES DEFINE YOU!!!

This is a service announcement to all my ladies

I remember a good friend once told me that "pussy is power". And for awhile I just didn't understand, like fully understand what she meant. But now that I'm a little older, I'VE COME TO MY OWN FULL UNDERSTANDING of what she said. I think growing up, for most of us, sex isn't a topic we openly talk about to our parents, especially to our mothers (which is a shame cause I think they definitely know a little more than we do about life and our ladies parts than we do). For example, back in 07 I remember there being this big thing about cervical cancer and the HPV vaccine. So many women that were close to me where either being diagnosed with cervical cancer and or getting the HPV vaccine. I remember asking my mom about it all and I told her that because quite a few women I knew where getting the HPV vaccine because it can help prevent cervical cancer and protect against the most common types of HPV ( which aren't all sexual) that I wanted it. After that, I remember her kind of scolding me that cervical cancer and the vaccine were only for girls who were having sex....and of course that's not true. So since then, if there was anything sexual that I wasn't sure about, I took it upon myself to educate myself.

Since graduating high school, I had had a few boyfriends and things did get serious with some of them. And let me tell you! YOUR MOM IS SOOO RIGHT IN SAYING THAT GUYS WILL TELL YOU ANYTHING TO GET IN YOUR PANTS, and when all that fails, they will try to make you feel bad for not wanting to have sex.

Here's my service announcement:

"For every action, there is a consequence, and we as WOMEN MUST REMAIN STRONG because we are a lot more stronger than we give ourselves credit for...and ultimately the beautiful ability of life rests in our hands"

And that my friends is the understanding I've come to understand when my friend told me "pussy is power". And how right she is! No one, including the boyfriend the says he loves you more than world itself should ever pressure you into doing something you don't want to, especially sexually. I believe educated women, women who value themselves and their bodies know better in this situation. I know I sound like some sort of preacher, and I'm only in my early 20's but what I say is true. I remember one time, I was in class reading and all of sudden the silence in the room became as loud as a roaring train and it almost knocked me out of my chair, that if I wasn't careful with what I did ( blinding trusting a guy that he was clean of diseases and wearing condoms) THAT I WOULD END UP IN A CRAZY AMOUNT OF TROUBLE WITH MY FAMILY, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY WITH MY HEALTH.

The way I see it now, NO GUY is worth my health and future, and to be totally honest, as much as guys love sex, A LOT OF THEM ARE CLUELESS WHEN IT COMES TO MATTERS OF YOUR TOTO! It's almost laughable how uneducated they are about it. So with that said ladies,

TAKE IT UPON YOURSELVES TO GET TESTED, TO FIND AND REGULARLY SEE A GYNECOLOGIST THAT YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH, GET TREATED FOR ANYTHING THAT MAY CAUSE HEALTH COMPLICATIONS IN THE FUTURE, ULTIMATELY VALUE YOURSELF AND BODY AND NEVER LET ANYONE BELITTLE YOUR VALUES!!!

Being a woman is a beautiful thing, we have a strength that is bigger than us, we take every good and bad thing and continue to love, we have an amazing tolerance and we are the cause and effect of our existence...don't take that lightly.

I love you all, my beautiful ladies!

P.S. love your mothers, because good or bad, they will be there and you only get 1 mom, so love her like no other!

"I got the swag and it's pumping out my ovaries" <--- :P

I just can't make you happy

I take a deep breath and try to let it out slowly
Inhale....exhale
Inhale....exhale
Inhale....exhale
Do I want to forget and try to live in your make believe fairy tale?
Should I just forget and let you have your cake and eat it too?
Should I continue to try to love you and just let everything pass through?
Do I ignore her scent on your pillows, pretend not to taste her lip gloss on your lips, make myself numb to her warmth that lingers on your dick?
You call it love making, but my body is just there,while I float away aimlessly
Wondering what's wrong with me, why am I still here?

I thought I could teach you how to love without fear, but how can I when you're still unresolved in your past?

I thought I'd be easy for you to trust, but how can you when your mind is still stuck in a mental cask?

Yes, I am care-free, and while its not easy, its not impossible

Yes, I'm not the jealous type but that doesn't change the fact that I don't trust her

In the heat of it all, we all lose it

We stop thinking, and start feeding off of our wants and desires

We give into lust which burns as fast as dry fire

We forget and let it devour us

I don't want to be there when you forget cause she's leading you there

You tell me how I feel is unexpected, shocking and you try to make me feel bad

But I'm not stupid, add you 2 together, subtract every bit of clothing, divide her legs in half and

Before you know it, she's moaning your name, and you are loving her

It makes me sick to think you will tell her everything you told me

It makes me feel stupid trusting your false grantee

I realized on the way home as the wind tried to push back my tears and as I tried to swallow my sadness, that I can not bring you the happiness

The happiness you want and to be honest its cause I'm selfish

And I refuse to share myself with someone who doesn't understand the value and limits of sharing and who is sharing every sweet lie and every stroke with the world

No I don't wish bad upon you, but I want you to learn and eventually come to an understanding

So give me a reason to be, give me a reason to love you

btw I hate that this song will always make me think of u......

Yo Quisiera Amarlo

I wanted to write exactly how I was feeling in a poem, but so much is flying around my head, so maybe if I write it out here, a pretty poem will result.

So there's a guy I've been talking to for a couple weeks now. He, up until this point seemed head over heels for me before me. But now, I think the tables have turned, or at least the table clothes are the same color now, but at this point, I'm not sure if either of us realize it, I think I do. He was soooo madly into me, every minute resisting a kiss, but then gave in. Almost every sidewalk was accompanied with us hand in hand. Every other other whisper was him telling me how beautiful I was to him, and me blushing with a thanking smile. Every hug was heart felt and sincere. And at the beginning, while I heard it and felt it, it wasn't sinking in. It finally sank in last night while we were in dazing embrace of hugs and kisses. At that moment, I felt no shame in anything, I felt so clean,free,beautiful,happy,cared for, and maybe a passionate compassion of love? He had whispered to me earlier that I am someone he could love and said he was scared cause he thought he was starting to love me already, and my response to him was "don't be scared to love, just love". Later that night, I whispered to him I thought I was starting to love him too. His response was for me to be careful because that's not a word he throws around or feels should be thrown around because of feelings that in the moment can confuse us. And while I heard what he said, at that moment, I didn't really care because I was just so happy and I gave into not being scared and just loving it all. The night ended, morning came and he called just to tell me good night, he was thinking of me and missing me already...how cute is that. I only slept 5 hours, but I woke up (not rested) but ready. I went to work in a good mood and came out hoping to talk to him. It didn't really work out that way, but neh I figured it was whatever.

I finally got home and my phone rang, it was him on the other end. He called to tell me a friend was coming over to watch the game, as soon as he said that my heart sank and I quickly switched my tone to indifferent.

A lot of things have happened in this past week and week itself. Today I decided to stay at a friends house and try to relax and have fun, but as I got up, I felt sad. I realized that today, would be the first day I'd go without hearing from him. :( How sad. I dont think he realizes how much I miss him, how lonely it feels without him. I got into an argument with him yesterday just because he wasnt understanding the serverity of the situation at hand. And as much as I didn't

Doing My Laundry

Maybe I'm going through an enlightenment period or something because I'm really coming to terms with realization. Its obvious what Ive come to terms with because of previous blogs, but heres a new realization. I've realized that in life, no matter who you are, where your from or what ever the circumstance, its sooooo easy to be selfish. What really takes a lot of work is being a person who is selfless. Sometimes when life gets really really hard, I think how easy life would be if I wasn't there, not only for me but for others.Like right now, my parents don't have 1 child, but they still have me, would it matter if they had neither? What would happen? Would things get worse? Would things be cheaper? Would things be happy? Would they notice I was gone? Would life be as quiet as it is now, or would it be loud? I have my own speculations to some of those answers, but to be completely honest, I really don't know. Sometimes I feel like I would wanna know, but if I take myself, then I wouldn't ever know, would I? Thinking like this scares me. I'm not too religious, but I believe in a heaven, hell,god,devil, and sins. So when I start thinking like this, I feel like its not me thinking. Like its something bad, something thats not human-like. So i quickly weigh the good and the bad in my head and i realize good wins. So maybe I'm not too far gone, but far enough to explore the inner caverns of my mind. But getting back to my whole realization of selfishness vs. selflessness. I guess my parents are examples of being selfless. they give their all to my brother and I, regardless of where that leaves them. and i guess given my certain change of heart, I'm becoming more selfless. growing up is all about learning everything and anything about you, your surroundings, feelings and situations. glad theres friends who understand that and a blank page to accept my mental tattoos.

I'm only 21 but I've had my share of heartache thus far, and I feel like Im lucky at 21 to know what a want. Of course this may change, but I been like this for awhile,so I'm happy