Doing My Laundry

Maybe I'm going through an enlightenment period or something because I'm really coming to terms with realization. Its obvious what Ive come to terms with because of previous blogs, but heres a new realization. I've realized that in life, no matter who you are, where your from or what ever the circumstance, its sooooo easy to be selfish. What really takes a lot of work is being a person who is selfless. Sometimes when life gets really really hard, I think how easy life would be if I wasn't there, not only for me but for others.Like right now, my parents don't have 1 child, but they still have me, would it matter if they had neither? What would happen? Would things get worse? Would things be cheaper? Would things be happy? Would they notice I was gone? Would life be as quiet as it is now, or would it be loud? I have my own speculations to some of those answers, but to be completely honest, I really don't know. Sometimes I feel like I would wanna know, but if I take myself, then I wouldn't ever know, would I? Thinking like this scares me. I'm not too religious, but I believe in a heaven, hell,god,devil, and sins. So when I start thinking like this, I feel like its not me thinking. Like its something bad, something thats not human-like. So i quickly weigh the good and the bad in my head and i realize good wins. So maybe I'm not too far gone, but far enough to explore the inner caverns of my mind. But getting back to my whole realization of selfishness vs. selflessness. I guess my parents are examples of being selfless. they give their all to my brother and I, regardless of where that leaves them. and i guess given my certain change of heart, I'm becoming more selfless. growing up is all about learning everything and anything about you, your surroundings, feelings and situations. glad theres friends who understand that and a blank page to accept my mental tattoos.

I'm only 21 but I've had my share of heartache thus far, and I feel like Im lucky at 21 to know what a want. Of course this may change, but I been like this for awhile,so I'm happy

Disappointed Much?

Well, I'm not disappointed in myself. This year has been a bunch of ups and downs, but right now its great! I was in a beautiful production of The Secret Garden, I met a lot of cool people, I've become more inspired and driven, made a lot of good memories, I got over my friend Lydia, I'm happy being single, I got accepted into TRIO, I declared my minor in music and will soon be declaring a major in theatre, got 4 A's and 1 B this semester AND AM CURRENTLY 2 PNTS AWAY FRM BEING A 3.0 which is my goal! Right now I have a lot going for me and I'm soo happy! :)

You're gunna miss this, and I know it because I will too

You know, life as beautiful as it is, it definitely has a sense of humor. It has a funny way of teaching you things and I think it's just unbelievable how one minute you have something and just as quickly as you got it, it's gone. And sometimes it feels like time takes forever, and other times you just wish you could freeze time. I've also come to realize that life is full of hello's and goodbyes. BUT! lol *chuckles* I think I've figured out why that is. Time takes forever to happen so you can better appreciate what you do have, and it makes you wanna freeze it so you can try engrave every sense and feeling into you're heart's memory so you don't ever forget. Lastly, life is full of goodbyes so you can make more hello's. Life is just bitter sweet, sometimes not so good things have to happen, so good things can. And then you realize when you really love someone, sometimes it hits you immediately and other times it takes awhile. But when you do realize it, you realize that even through the faults, the accidents, the bad, and the rough that you still see them in this beautiful light. You also realize that you will do what ever you can to make sure they are happy and stay that way, even if it means leaving you, sharing them with others and just letting them go when deep down you really don't want to. But isn't that the beauty of life? To Love. When I think about everyone I've loved and continue to love, I can't help but smile and fill with a feeling of joy.

As of right now, I am currently in the process of trying to get use to the idea that my best friend won't physically be here anymore ( which really makes me realize that we attach an unseen love to the physical). And while I've had to say more permanent goodbyes before, every goodbye has a different hurt to it. And this one hurts a lot, but I know I'm not the only one that feels this way, I'm not the only person in the world that's feeling this way right now. It makes me feel a little better knowing that, but that won't change the fact that there will be times where I'll cry about it, or smile at it, or even laugh to myself about it. And I think we feel this way, especially when we begin to miss someone,and it's because we don't want to be forgotten. However, when you really love someone like down to the core of your heart....you just can't forget someone, there will always be something. You may forget some things but there will always be something. And when you miss someone, you don't know how long you'll be missing them or sometimes how long you'll go without seeing them but this thing I know for sure

" I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or a week from now, a month from now, a year from now or even years from now. But what I do know is I love you today and I intend to love you forever"

- Me

So here's to everyone I've loved, and continue to love, but most importantly to my best friend. Things and life will change, some things will change because we make it change and other just cause that just how the cookie crumbles. And I may make another best friend, but no one will ever replace you. I hope you come back and we get to see each other soon. A lot will happen within the next 4 years, I just hope that as we become older, we travel more, learn more, love more, smile more and love every moment of it.

P.S. There's so many songs that came to mind when I thought of you leaving, but I think this song really expresses how I feel overall :) hope you like it and I know I'll miss this and miss you! :)

What Hurts The Most

Wow, I really don't know where to start, everything just makes me sad and cry. Within this past year, I've come to a realization that good-byes are bitter sweet. When we say goodbye, it hurts so much, but every goodbye eventually leads to a hello somewhere down the road. My best friend just told me that she would be leaving next month and going back to Puerto Rico. When she told me, it was like getting hurt real bad. When she told me, I didn't feel anything, it took a couple of minutes for me to be like whoa, wait, what? Soon after my head began to thump with a headache and I felt the tears starting to weld up in my eyes. I sat down and just couldn't think of anything, I didn't know what to do with myself. A little while after, every memory I have with her flashed by in my head, and all the future hopes I had of making more memories flashed by. I decided the only way to ease my pain was to write about it. After finding a song that seemed to fit as close as possible to how I felt, I just blasted it and here I am. The tears were heavy as they dropped from my eyes, and I felt alone. The tears have stopped now, but that just temporary. I know this pain is a pain that I feel and will never leave me, it will sneak up on me and I'll cry about it, so here's a letter to you.

Dear Mio,

Wow, who would have thought that 2 and a half years later(2011), here's where we'd be. We've must have pondered this quite a few times, but here it is again. It honestly never occurred to me when I first met you, or from the few times that we talked would our acquaintance blossom into a friendship that I'll carry and remember for the rest of my life. Within these past 2 years and a half, we've spent seasons together,shared holidays, families, clothes, food, laughs, knowledge, a language, memories,secrets,nerves, ha even beds. We've made our own inside jokes. Who could ask for more in a best friend. I use to think that because we've been friends for so long, that a lot of me had rubbed off on you, but a lot of you has rubbed off on me, and I know you have because if you didn't it wouldn't hurt this much to say good bye to you. You've been there for me through the good and bad, happy or sad, nervous or chill, goofy and just normal, cold and hot, raining and sunny and you've accepted me for me. I've grown to love you and there's no greater love that can compare. I'm thinking about my favorite memory of you or of us and I don't have one cause there's so many. There's the haunted house, the Santa train, going to the beach, the fest ( ho bag), shopping, dancing/playing wii, dancing to "I want candy",going on our no homo dates ( valentines day dates) making my silly videos...gosh there's just so many. Funny thing is, you've gone away before, and it was still sad to say goodbye but this time its different. I guess its cause I know instead of being a couple of bus rides awhile, you'll be 2 connection flights away. I wish I had magical powers so I could rid you have everything bad and wrong that has happened, but I can't. I just know what has happened, good and bad will effect a tomorrow, a next week, a next month, a year from now...I just hope that what ever happens after this is for the best and I can see you again soon! Words can't express how much I'll miss you, but I know you feel it, and that's what matters. School will be a lot more lonely with you gone, the familiar sounds of "aye nena" and "wuacala" will ring in my ear's memory, and the feeling of your loving hug will be left engraved onto my soul. So with that said, goodbye best friend, I look forward to seeing you again, running to you and hugging you and saying hello. Thank you for everything, whether I've said it or covered it in this letter, you're amazing! I will miss you sooooo much! Don't forget me :)

Love you with all my heart,
Your best friend....Jackie

ps. This song is for you "What Hurts the Most" - Rascal Flatts

GREAT NEWS!

I dont even know what day it is lol just because this past week has been a blur, but a good blur. The Secret Garden show was amazing! :) I really enjoyed myself ( there will be a follow up blog for The Secret Garden), the cast party was great! I haven't established a set sleeping schedule yet, but no class manana! Just an interview with TRIO but I plan to get a good nights rest! But even better news, for awhile I was really stressing about a duet I had to perform. Now, I didn't practice my voice gone, but I did a reasonable amount of practicing, mostly in the shower AND I GOT SO MUCH BETTER! So earlier my duet partner and I had to perform the song for our voice teachers. It went very well, I was hoping for the best even though I was literally shaking in my boots because I was so nervous. So here I am, in about an hour I will in my vocal showcase attire and with little kitty ears on and ready but still nervous to sing my song. Heres hoping that if I mess up, I can play it off good! :) I also just really want to thank people who have been here helping me through this stressful,busy, good and bad time. Thank you Neydi, Jay, Sasha, Dr. Hurt, Heitzienger, Brett, Robert aka Boyfriend *lol*...your words mean soo much to me thanks! :) Well with that said, i'm just happy with that way things are now, and im SOOO LOOKING FOWARD TO THIS SEMESTER BEING OVER SO I CAN ENJOY SUMMER! :)

Mars in retrograde???

Today is just one of those days where you kind of wished you could have just stayed in bed sleeping or playing with your dsi. This morning didnt start out completely bad, it was ok. I woke up tired and feet still sore from last night's performance. I was in some bit of a time crunch cause I needed to get my things together for school and for a sleep over later at my friends house. I asked my brother to drop me off at school and of course he gave me shit. I get to school, went to practice and everything went fine. I went into my voice lessons still feeling the sleep in my eyes, but I came in with a mind set that said "I'm tired but I'm just going to sing the best I can and see what happens". My songs went pretty well, surprisingly since I was so tired...BUT then my duet partner came, which is no big deal cause I love her, but IDK I guess everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong. In an attempt to help me with my song, my voice teacher made some changes and OMG! it felt like they didnt help at all! You ever have one of those days where you spent like weeks and even the night before practicing something and you did it right the whole time, but then this time you go and do it and you just mess up...yea well that happened. Every attempt of singing the changed music just kept getting worse, and what made it even more discouraging was that my duet partner *whom even though, I LOVE TO DEATH! she's a couple years younger than me and college music wise, not as experienced as myself* was able to do it like nothing. At that point, I was singing at the full force of frustration and anger that I almost blew my voice out. YIKES! I think it became obvious to both my voice teacher *who told me she would not take an "I can't for an answer"* and my duet partner that I was getting really upset.Dito my poor duet partner took a couple steps from me and I can see something like a forced smile from my voice teacher as a way of just calming me down....I guess you don't wanna to see Hulk mad??? After that, my lesson had ended and I went into a practice room, to see if I could sing the new changes...but I could feel the frustration,anger and tears making my face red and hot. So I grabbed my things, plugged my headphones in my ears and tried jamming out to some Marc Anthony...no luck. I sat outside the Fine Arts building by the parking garage while trying to compose myself. Quite a few people walked past me, but I didn't want anyone seeing me cry, so I pulled my hood over my face and let the wind blow my hair around. Funny enough, a friend I use to write with in the magazine @ school walked past me and was like ..."Jackie?" She said that when she was coming down from the garage she saw me but didn't know it was me, but knew who ever it was sitting like that looked sad....ha, so much for hiding it right? I told her what happened and she of course told me to text her if I needed it...that was nice of her. I told her maybe I'd hit her up later. While this was all happening, I was texting a friend, whom so far has shown me he's pretty cool. This friend...he's seen tons of places, experienced so much, and has this discipline that most cannot say they've had but he's still there. :) It makes me happy :) He calmed me down a little bit, made me smile and reminded me of who I am and why....there he goes again. :) But he said something very interesting that I've never thought of he said "Me + positive thinking = Me taking over the world". It makes me tear up just thinking of it. Those are some really strong words and I think what really gets me is that it's so true. I'm not sure if this is something he knew already or learned while off in some exotic foreign land, but wherever it came from, I'm glad he said it. So the 2nd time around of singing the duet didn't go too bad. I was expecting worse. So it looks like it may happen...I'm hoping by Monday everything is fine...this weekend is just going to be a blur of music. Ugh BUT! like what 3 more weeks of school left? I'm geeked! Cause I wanna get my hair cut and styled, I want to take a fun singing class and dance class, re-arrange my room, go to the beach and tan, enjoy summer and maybe go to Florida and go to a baseball game. I'm in need of some serious "me" time. Ahhhhhh * sighs a happy sigh* I feel better! :) If you're reading this, I'm sorry I'm sucha yo-yo. My moods change just as fast as my ipod does on shuffle, but thank you for staying with me, being there for me, and just pushing through it with me. It means a lot to me :)