I'm not sure how else to say this, but I'll just begin where ever my mind allows me to. So, I am now 21 years old, and in my few years of talking to heterosexual men, there has been this overwhelming sense of importance placed on the physical aspects of things...more so the female body. To this very day, I think it almost sickens me that for a guy to like me, he has to be attracted to my body, my thighs, my boobs or ass. And then it turns into..."oh ma, I love to do THISand I LOVE TO DO THAT! AND OMG I LOVE IT WHEN A GIRL DOES THIS TO ME!" I'm just sitting here like WTF?! didn't I just get done telling you I DON'T WANT ANYTHING SEXUAL? I just want to take my time to get to know you? Idk if I'm like the only girl going through this right now, but I just feel like I have the rest of my life to have sex...so WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE NOW AT THIS VERY MOMENT?! Why do you talk to me like I have to bend to your will? What's so wrong with just getting to know someone? And now this physical is getting to the point where the thought of sex, really turns me off, really makes me sick. When I think of how some men talk to women, how some men talk to me....it makes me feel person-less, like an object...a little plaything. It's a really ugly feeling, it feels dark and lonely, big, blank, and spacious but in a bad way...I guess maybe you could call it isolated. And sometimes, I feel like I want to show a man how he makes me feel when I feel that way. How it feels to feel like an object, a pretty little plaything...only good for one thing. I feel like I want to hurt them, do what ever they think about doing to me to them. I watched a movie in my Ethics class called "Death & the Maiden" and in the movie Paulina says something along the lines of "I wanted to rape him, but a woman can't rape a man like a man can". Which I believe is very true. While some people can say a woman can force a man into sex, it's true but there's something different when you're a woman. I think what it is, being a woman, obviously we have vaginas and a man has to put himself into us for intercourse. There's just a sense of letting someone in. Like not only is genital sex a way of getting into the female body, but there's something else to it that goes beyond the physical. Maybe I'm weird but, its almost as if we are letting you into our inner selfs, physically and emotionally. And when there is a feeling of force whether it's just pressuring someone to do something or think something, or physically pressuring them, its not a good feeling. And because at the moment I'm taken with the idea of showing them( guys) how it feels to be pressured, to be forced, to appeal in only the physical, it heightens my curiosity in S&M.
S&M is something I had never heard of until I heard Rihanna's new song "S&M". S&M means sadism & masochism. Sadism is named after Marquis de Sade (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marquis_de_Sade) which is the pleasure of inflicting pain or suffering upon someone else and Masochism is the pleasure of inflicting pain or suffering upon yourself or from someone else...they both cycle each other. There is just something about the whole idea of S&M that really makes me curious. I guess my curiosity has something to do with feeling pressure or force from heterosexual men in physical and sexual ways. So with that said I think I'm going to read Marquis de Sade's "The Crimes of Love". I've read novels and pdfs about sexual violence/rape but this is on a whole other level. I'm not sure if I'll be able to mentally stomach the things I'll read but I will try, and I just might write about it.
So here's to all you "men" who make me feel person-less, who make me feel pressured, who make me feel this ugly feeling
I wrote this paper for my ethics class, I titled it "Precious"....
As hot tears stream down her cheeks, Precious sobbingly exclaims, “Nobody loves me!” Ms. Rain’s gentle eyes weld up with tears of compassion as she looks up at Precious and says, “People do love you Precious.” Through her hysterical sobs Precious says “Please don’t lie to me, Ms. Rain! Love ain’t done nothing for me but beat me….rape me…call me an animal! Make me feel worthless! Make me sick!” Given that violence is a forcible physical, emotional and verbal harm/abuse from one party to hurt another; Precious’s hatred for love and loving herself is a clear case that teaching someone to hate themselves is an act of violence. It is an act of violence because it negatively affects one’s mental well being as well as physical.
Growing up, I was often bullied and teased about my weight. Whether it was passed as a crumpled up note through class, chanted on the playground or constantly ringing through my ears on the bus ride home, it was always there. Of course, my mom would always say “sticks and stones can break your bones but words will never hurt you”, but I’m not sure if she also knew that “the tongue is like a sharp knife, it kills without drawing blood”. It was because of those nasty taunts that I went from a happy, relatively skinny kid to a chubby, self-conscious 9 year old. This constant reinforcement told me I wasn’t good enough and that I wasn’t pretty, and after hearing it for so many years, I couldn’t help but give into that negative thought. By the age of thirteen, I would look at myself in the mirror, and even though I wouldn’t physically cry, I could feel the sadness working up in my throat. I would change stances and think, this can’t be me…I don’t act like how I look. I would begin to wonder why I had this body if it didn’t fit me. All those years of taunting had sunk in and made me question myself, and even made me write about it… “ My pretty face is a waste ‘cause it’s stricken with hate for the aggression that’s on my plate, can’t turn it around, can’t switch up this frown, give me the crown that fits Queen of Down”. They made me hate the way I looked, and as innocent as a child’s taunting is, it was a nonetheless a violence.
While violence can affect one’s mental well being, the relationship between a mental well being and violence can directly affect someone’s physical being…it definitely affected mine. Prior to going into high school, the teasing hadn’t ceased, but it wasn’t as constant as it was a couple years before. However, once I got to high school, the big issue around my weight took a different form. I remember there was this one boy in my world studies class, who just looked simply handsome at 14 years old. There were days where I wouldn’t even pay attention to the teacher, I would just sit there and admire him from two rows across. The homecoming game and dance was within the next couple of weeks and I really wanted to go with him. So after class, I mustered up just enough courage to walk up to him and ask him to be my date. My palms were sweaty, my head throbbed and I felt all these pin like tinglings all over my body just to be laughed at and told “uhhh, I’m not into discovery channel…sorry Hippo”. At that very minute I wanted to cry and just die. A guy I really liked had embarrassed me in front of the whole class and myself. From that point on I was determined to become the skinny girl he would have always wanted but would never have. I was working out 3 hours a day every day and deprived myself of any carbs or sugars. At the age of 15, I had gone from weighing 180 lbs to 130 lbs in 3 months. While the change in weight didn’t look to bad for being 5’6, inside I was sick. The thought of food made me nauseous, smelling it made me dizzy, therefore making actual consumption very small in proportion. I had drastically changed my physical self and made myself sick at the same time. It was a bloodless violence I had committed to myself.
One may say that in order to commit violence, there has to be a physical in which there is blood spill or some type of physical marking, but why is it only a physical? Why can’t violence be in the form of a physical, emotional and or verbal harm/abuse, done to intentionally hurt someone else?Why can’t teaching someone to hate themselves be seen as violent, even if that way of hatred affects the mental and physical well being of someone. Isn’t crushing someone’s soul just as bad as crushing their head?
Right now, I'm feeling like super low. I cant remember if ive ever felt this low before, but if i did, its been a long while. im not sure if i feel this way because theres just so much going on and only 1 of me with 24 hours in a day. whats stressing me is
school.... im taking 6 classes and out of all of them theres only only 2 that really require alot of studying, but the rest its like a music invasion. i feel like i have all these pieces to learn at least 8, and just not enough time to learn it. while the majority of the music is in english, and german and italian arent as hard as french but still. i feel like my head is going to explode. i feel like i have no time for my music...its just all opera and classical and arias and art songs. sorry dean and frank, you guys are going to have to take the back seat for awhile
work... as it turns out, my job has found the cheapest way of stayin open without having soo many people there. every1 in my department is gettin 12 hour weeks. WTF?! are u serious? i got credit cards to pay, i got bills to pay, rent to pay...who can live on a barely 100$ check a week? so as of now im considering gettin a 2nd job bcuz i need the money, but if i take that 2nd job, where will that leave my time for school? and if i do get a 2nd job, wats going to happen with my health insurance????
working out... so at the beginning of this year, i told myself i want to get into better shape and lose weight for myself. and so far so good, but now with school here, its so much more harder to find time to work out and do everything else i need to do. and on days where i dont get the chance to work out....i feel sooo bad. :( id hate to think that i wont be able to fully commit myself to my workouts and diet because i dont have the time to do this or that. ugh
and while family is family...theres always a problem. i just kinda wish things would lighten up a bit at home. i hate feeling like i did something wrong when i didnt, or that i should be quiet for sum odd reason when i have no reason to be silenced.
but i guess wat it all boils down to is, I NEED MORE TIME IN A DAY....ive felt this way before soo much ugh redunkulous....so idk what im going to do,but a change def has to start with me.....wish me luck...it may be awhile.
Mmmmmm ok, I think I'm ok now. You ever just feel like nothing fits? I'm trying to find a song to fit my mood to help cool down this mood, but all I got is "All Falls Down" - Kanye West, thanks for trying Kanye. But anyways this blog is going to be about everything that just seems to be bothering me
1. School ------------> So last semester I managed to be an active member in 3 organizations while balancing 7 classes and life. Surprisingly I pulled it all off! I had 3 A's, 3 B's and 1 C and raised up my GPA. I came into the fall semester thinking, I CAN DO THIS! I now have 6 classes and active in 1 org. This semester started off very promising and good. Now....it feels like everything is just falling apart. I find myself not wanting to go to certain classes, pushing some of those classes' homework til the last minute. Idk. I think I dedicate myself to my music classes more than anything just cause I'm right there ( being accepted into the Department of Music) and the rest of my classes are like neh whatever. But I am trying...trying to be on time to class, to pay attention, to study correctly according to me, pass tests and overall trying to learn something from these classes while enjoying them. It feels like a ridiculous balancing act and like the game sorry, like as soon as I move up 2 spaces, something bumps me back to start. Idk what's wrong with me. I spend more time in the Library studying and doing homework than anything. I was able to do all of this in high school and I've gotten better at doing all of this in college. However, I still find myself struggling to tread in the water of life.
2. Money ----------> Well I was suppose to go to Puerto Rico this winter for X-mas and New Years, but the money I got back from school (which is what I was going to use to pay for my ticket) was used for rent. Which at first kind of pissed me off cause I had no idea that the majority of that money was going to be used, but hey.....gotta have a roof over my head right? So I've let go of the idea of finally enjoying myself on a sandy beach on la isla del encanto while its a slushy,blistery, below 0 holiday season in Chicago. But now it just feels like I got every bill in the world to pay and there's just no enjoying or using a little bit of the money I make to enjoy myself. And it's like everyone close to me is hurting for money, my parents, my best friend. Ugh
I just feel like I need more than 24 hours in a day to do what ever I need to do AND get enough sleep.
BUT! I do thank God for everything in my life
A home with a roof and heat and running water Food The wellness of my family and friends Good friends Good memories Good opportunities Good and fun teachers who really care Music An awesome boyfriend who makes me laugh all the time and answers his phone even when he's sleeping And the wellness of myself
Some how I just need to freeze time and figure out things and work around it. Please help me and wish me well....
Oh! I forgot to mention I woke up this morning and it was JUST CRAPPY OUT! Raining and windy and all that crap. I don't know about you but the weather affects me, like how I am when I wake up in the morning. So since today was just crappy, I woke up crappy, and had a crappy morning, BUT hopefully it won't be a crappy day.
hey frankie :) i know i didn't know you and i only met you once, but i have to say not a day passes where i don't think of you and what you stood for. everyday i face new people, challenges, opportunities and with every "new" that comes into the picture I wonder where it could take me. In my 20 years of living, I've already done some great things, seen some pretty cool things and experienced things I'll never forget. And for that I would like to thank you, if i hadn't heard what you had to say, I don't think I would have ever done the things I've done or encouraged others to do the same. YOU ARE AMAZING! :) and I'm soo happy to say the Victor is doing great! :) He played a great Nathan Detroit in Guys and Dolls, he graduated, found himself a great girlfriend, surrounded himself with the love of great friends and family, and is now going to school in Iowa. I've always felt that Victor was going to do great things, and I've felt this since the 1st day I met him...but I'm happy to say that you are one of the most influential pushes that will push him through the good and bad to do the best he can do. I really wish I could have met you and gotten to know you :/ well Ima knock out, but thank you for everything :) I'll keep in touch :)
Where to begin? Well as some of you may know, my summer really hasn't been a summer. My summer has been filled with working, interning,school and getting ready for school, of course I've made some time to hang out with friends and family...but I wish I could have had more time. But anyyyyyyyyywhooooooo after running a couple of errands and taking a break to read this awesome book I walked home just buzzing with thoughts. My mind was full of the chapter I just read and my tongue was happily savoring the taste of my dark chocolate Almond Joy and that's when it hit me...sometimes we become so occupied with school, work, and an endless list of "to do's" that we forget about the little things that make us happy...the little things that ultimately make life beautiful. So here is a list of some of my favorite things
reading and eating dark chocolate Almond Joys<>feeling fresh summer grass beneath my bare feet<> watching the sunset on a summer or fall evening<> watching the fireworks on the forth of July<> Taking a cold shower after a hot day<> The beautiful strumming of a Spanish guitar<> an iced Sangria<>Sleeping in <> hearing "I love you" from someone you really love<> standing in your back yard and letting a summer rain soak you as thunder and lightning go off above you<>Seeing the first signs of Spring<> a warm family filled home on Thanksgiving<> Scaring the shit out of your friend and laughing for 5 minutes because they jumped 5 feet in every direction<>The excitment a new year brings<>The bittersweet/nervous feeling of asking someone if they like you<> Chicago's skyline at night<> The feeling of accomplishment<> Reading a bedtime story to your children/little siblings/nieces or nephews/cousins<> The thrill when you're on a roller coaster<> The sincere hug from a best friend<> A home cooked meal<>Watching an eclipse<> Jamming to your favorite song on the radio<>Watching Master Chef while delighting yourself in a bowl of butter pecan ice cream with chocolate syrup on top<> Laughing at the movie Home Alone<> The 1st exhale of some good Hookah<>Listening to an Orchestra play
While my list of favorite things can go on, at the moment I can't seem to think of more...so with that said, take what I've just said into consideration and appreciate life a little bit more.Also, while some of your favorite things can be enjoyed so much better with someone else, sometimes some things are just better enjoyed alone.
Aye, soooo as many of you might know, I have a new cat, got her a week after my grandfather's cat pass ( R.I.P. Gato). It didnt take me very long to start loving her. A week into adopting her, she came down with what i call the "kennel flu", where she comes to a new home and just the new environment makes her a lil sicky. I kid you not, she was having probs breathing and sneezing all the time. I would take her in the bathroom with me while I took a steaming shower. At night i would keep her under the blankets with me, so she would share my heat and even wen she sneezed all over me, i was there to wipe her nose. I even go out of the city to get a special cat food that she likes. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HER!!!! Tonight my mom noticed she had been licking 1 paw alot, i look and it looked like a booboo :( I haven't gotten her pet insurance yet cause I havent had the funding to do so, but I'm so worried. I washed her booboo and i could tell it hurt her, i hope she doesnt hate me now cause it might have hurt her. :( I just hope that what ever she has is curable and I can continue to love her for the next 10-15 years. Its funny because I think I finally have an idea of what a parent goes through.
As a parent, you have this child or infant who is new to everything. While they get use to this new world, they are learning 1 of the most important lessons of life and that is to trust. So here you have this baby who can't do anything for themselves so they have to trust that you will do everything for them to keep them healthy ( of course many would argue babies don't know that, but i believe deep down in their tiny hearts, they know). So because they are still babies, they can't really communicate with you...you have ideas on what they want and what you think they are saying to you...but you still don't know. The great thing about it all though, is day in and day out, they are there, waiting for you, there to see you every moment of the day...and regardless of how crappy your day went or even how crazy they make you....you can't help but smile when you see them. Then your baby gets older and here they are, making friends with mischief and getting into everything. As a loving parent the most common phrase they will hear you say ( outside of "I love you") is "NO!!!". At some point they understand no, but still do it anyway....just because. But what you don't realize until you feel it is YOU LOVE THEM! You love them soo much that when they are hurt or cry and they can't tell you why, you are amazingly miserable for the fact you can only do so much to help. You love them soo much that you would walk to the other side of the world on glass barefooted just to get them or help them. That they could both physically and emotionally hurt you, but you still cant stop loving them. Now I don't know if this is parental love, but IT IS TRUE LOVE.
This is dedicated to you my Lieben, because you make me laugh, because you look for me when I get home, because you wake me up just to feed you and because I know you love me and because I love you
This is also dedicated to my nephews ( Giovanni and Ivan) and my Aspira babies!
