Ughhhhhhhhh, I think I should start by saying OMG THIS FREAKIN SUCKS! TODAY IS CRAP! THINGS JUST SEEMS BE GOING ASS BACKWARDS!
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Mmmmmm ok, I think I'm ok now. You ever just feel like nothing fits? I'm trying to find a song to fit my mood to help cool down this mood, but all I got is "All Falls Down" - Kanye West, thanks for trying Kanye. But anyways this blog is going to be about everything that just seems to be bothering me
1. School
------------> So last semester I managed to be an active member in 3 organizations while balancing 7 classes and life. Surprisingly I pulled it all off! I had 3 A's, 3 B's and 1 C and raised up my GPA. I came into the fall semester thinking, I CAN DO THIS! I now have 6 classes and active in 1 org. This semester started off very promising and good. Now....it feels like everything is just falling apart. I find myself not wanting to go to certain classes, pushing some of those classes' homework til the last minute. Idk. I think I dedicate myself to my music classes more than anything just cause I'm right there ( being accepted into the Department of Music) and the rest of my classes are like neh whatever. But I am trying...trying to be on time to class, to pay attention, to study correctly according to me, pass tests and overall trying to learn something from these classes while enjoying them. It feels like a ridiculous balancing act and like the game sorry, like as soon as I move up 2 spaces, something bumps me back to start. Idk what's wrong with me. I spend more time in the Library studying and doing homework than anything. I was able to do all of this in high school and I've gotten better at doing all of this in college. However, I still find myself struggling to tread in the water of life.
2. Money
----------> Well I was suppose to go to Puerto Rico this winter for X-mas and New Years, but the money I got back from school (which is what I was going to use to pay for my ticket) was used for rent. Which at first kind of pissed me off cause I had no idea that the majority of that money was going to be used, but hey.....gotta have a roof over my head right? So I've let go of the idea of finally enjoying myself on a sandy beach on la isla del encanto while its a slushy,blistery, below 0 holiday season in Chicago. But now it just feels like I got every bill in the world to pay and there's just no enjoying or using a little bit of the money I make to enjoy myself. And it's like everyone close to me is hurting for money, my parents, my best friend. Ugh
I just feel like I need more than 24 hours in a day to do what ever I need to do AND get enough sleep.
BUT! I do thank God for everything in my life
A home with a roof and heat and running water
Food
The wellness of my family and friends
Good friends
Good memories
Good opportunities
Good and fun teachers who really care
Music
An awesome boyfriend who makes me laugh all the time and answers his phone even when he's sleeping
And the wellness of myself
Some how I just need to freeze time and figure out things and work around it. Please help me and wish me well....
Oh! I forgot to mention I woke up this morning and it was JUST CRAPPY OUT! Raining and windy and all that crap. I don't know about you but the weather affects me, like how I am when I wake up in the morning. So since today was just crappy, I woke up crappy, and had a crappy morning, BUT hopefully it won't be a crappy day.
Thanks for hearing me out
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
A letter to Frankie :)
hey frankie :) i know i didn't know you and i only met you once, but i have to say not a day passes where i don't think of you and what you stood for. everyday i face new people, challenges, opportunities and with every "new" that comes into the picture I wonder where it could take me. In my 20 years of living, I've already done some great things, seen some pretty cool things and experienced things I'll never forget. And for that I would like to thank you, if i hadn't heard what you had to say, I don't think I would have ever done the things I've done or encouraged others to do the same. YOU ARE AMAZING! :) and I'm soo happy to say the Victor is doing great! :) He played a great Nathan Detroit in Guys and Dolls, he graduated, found himself a great girlfriend, surrounded himself with the love of great friends and family, and is now going to school in Iowa. I've always felt that Victor was going to do great things, and I've felt this since the 1st day I met him...but I'm happy to say that you are one of the most influential pushes that will push him through the good and bad to do the best he can do. I really wish I could have met you and gotten to know you :/ well Ima knock out, but thank you for everything :) I'll keep in touch :)
Friday, August 20, 2010
These Are a Few of My Favorite Things
Where to begin? Well as some of you may know, my summer really hasn't been a summer. My summer has been filled with working, interning,school and getting ready for school, of course I've made some time to hang out with friends and family...but I wish I could have had more time. But anyyyyyyyyywhooooooo after running a couple of errands and taking a break to read this awesome book I walked home just buzzing with thoughts. My mind was full of the chapter I just read and my tongue was happily savoring the taste of my dark chocolate Almond Joy and that's when it hit me...sometimes we become so occupied with school, work, and an endless list of "to do's" that we forget about the little things that make us happy...the little things that ultimately make life beautiful. So here is a list of some of my favorite things
reading and eating dark chocolate Almond Joys<>feeling fresh summer grass beneath my bare feet<> watching the sunset on a summer or fall evening<> watching the fireworks on the forth of July<> Taking a cold shower after a hot day<> The beautiful strumming of a Spanish guitar<> an iced Sangria<>Sleeping in <> hearing "I love you" from someone you really love<> standing in your back yard and letting a summer rain soak you as thunder and lightning go off above you<>Seeing the first signs of Spring<> a warm family filled home on Thanksgiving<> Scaring the shit out of your friend and laughing for 5 minutes because they jumped 5 feet in every direction<>The excitment a new year brings<>The bittersweet/nervous feeling of asking someone if they like you<> Chicago's skyline at night<> The feeling of accomplishment<> Reading a bedtime story to your children/little siblings/nieces or nephews/cousins<> The thrill when you're on a roller coaster<> The sincere hug from a best friend<> A home cooked meal<>Watching an eclipse<> Jamming to your favorite song on the radio<>Watching Master Chef while delighting yourself in a bowl of butter pecan ice cream with chocolate syrup on top<> Laughing at the movie Home Alone<> The 1st exhale of some good Hookah<>Listening to an Orchestra play
While my list of favorite things can go on, at the moment I can't seem to think of more...so with that said, take what I've just said into consideration and appreciate life a little bit more.Also, while some of your favorite things can be enjoyed so much better with someone else, sometimes some things are just better enjoyed alone.
Be inspired and grateful
reading and eating dark chocolate Almond Joys<>feeling fresh summer grass beneath my bare feet<> watching the sunset on a summer or fall evening<> watching the fireworks on the forth of July<> Taking a cold shower after a hot day<> The beautiful strumming of a Spanish guitar<> an iced Sangria<>Sleeping in <> hearing "I love you" from someone you really love<> standing in your back yard and letting a summer rain soak you as thunder and lightning go off above you<>Seeing the first signs of Spring<> a warm family filled home on Thanksgiving<> Scaring the shit out of your friend and laughing for 5 minutes because they jumped 5 feet in every direction<>The excitment a new year brings<>The bittersweet/nervous feeling of asking someone if they like you<> Chicago's skyline at night<> The feeling of accomplishment<> Reading a bedtime story to your children/little siblings/nieces or nephews/cousins<> The thrill when you're on a roller coaster<> The sincere hug from a best friend<> A home cooked meal<>Watching an eclipse<> Jamming to your favorite song on the radio<>Watching Master Chef while delighting yourself in a bowl of butter pecan ice cream with chocolate syrup on top<> Laughing at the movie Home Alone<> The 1st exhale of some good Hookah<>Listening to an Orchestra play
While my list of favorite things can go on, at the moment I can't seem to think of more...so with that said, take what I've just said into consideration and appreciate life a little bit more.Also, while some of your favorite things can be enjoyed so much better with someone else, sometimes some things are just better enjoyed alone.
Be inspired and grateful
Monday, July 26, 2010
My Baby You: Lieben Kitty
Aye, soooo as many of you might know, I have a new cat, got her a week after my grandfather's cat pass ( R.I.P. Gato). It didnt take me very long to start loving her. A week into adopting her, she came down with what i call the "kennel flu", where she comes to a new home and just the new environment makes her a lil sicky. I kid you not, she was having probs breathing and sneezing all the time. I would take her in the bathroom with me while I took a steaming shower. At night i would keep her under the blankets with me, so she would share my heat and even wen she sneezed all over me, i was there to wipe her nose. I even go out of the city to get a special cat food that she likes. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HER!!!! Tonight my mom noticed she had been licking 1 paw alot, i look and it looked like a booboo :( I haven't gotten her pet insurance yet cause I havent had the funding to do so, but I'm so worried. I washed her booboo and i could tell it hurt her, i hope she doesnt hate me now cause it might have hurt her. :( I just hope that what ever she has is curable and I can continue to love her for the next 10-15 years. Its funny because I think I finally have an idea of what a parent goes through.
As a parent, you have this child or infant who is new to everything. While they get use to this new world, they are learning 1 of the most important lessons of life and that is to trust. So here you have this baby who can't do anything for themselves so they have to trust that you will do everything for them to keep them healthy ( of course many would argue babies don't know that, but i believe deep down in their tiny hearts, they know). So because they are still babies, they can't really communicate with you...you have ideas on what they want and what you think they are saying to you...but you still don't know. The great thing about it all though, is day in and day out, they are there, waiting for you, there to see you every moment of the day...and regardless of how crappy your day went or even how crazy they make you....you can't help but smile when you see them. Then your baby gets older and here they are, making friends with mischief and getting into everything. As a loving parent the most common phrase they will hear you say ( outside of "I love you") is "NO!!!". At some point they understand no, but still do it anyway....just because. But what you don't realize until you feel it is YOU LOVE THEM! You love them soo much that when they are hurt or cry and they can't tell you why, you are amazingly miserable for the fact you can only do so much to help. You love them soo much that you would walk to the other side of the world on glass barefooted just to get them or help them. That they could both physically and emotionally hurt you, but you still cant stop loving them. Now I don't know if this is parental love, but IT IS TRUE LOVE.
This is dedicated to you my Lieben, because you make me laugh, because you look for me when I get home, because you wake me up just to feed you and because I know you love me and because I love you
This is also dedicated to my nephews ( Giovanni and Ivan) and my Aspira babies!
As a parent, you have this child or infant who is new to everything. While they get use to this new world, they are learning 1 of the most important lessons of life and that is to trust. So here you have this baby who can't do anything for themselves so they have to trust that you will do everything for them to keep them healthy ( of course many would argue babies don't know that, but i believe deep down in their tiny hearts, they know). So because they are still babies, they can't really communicate with you...you have ideas on what they want and what you think they are saying to you...but you still don't know. The great thing about it all though, is day in and day out, they are there, waiting for you, there to see you every moment of the day...and regardless of how crappy your day went or even how crazy they make you....you can't help but smile when you see them. Then your baby gets older and here they are, making friends with mischief and getting into everything. As a loving parent the most common phrase they will hear you say ( outside of "I love you") is "NO!!!". At some point they understand no, but still do it anyway....just because. But what you don't realize until you feel it is YOU LOVE THEM! You love them soo much that when they are hurt or cry and they can't tell you why, you are amazingly miserable for the fact you can only do so much to help. You love them soo much that you would walk to the other side of the world on glass barefooted just to get them or help them. That they could both physically and emotionally hurt you, but you still cant stop loving them. Now I don't know if this is parental love, but IT IS TRUE LOVE.
This is dedicated to you my Lieben, because you make me laugh, because you look for me when I get home, because you wake me up just to feed you and because I know you love me and because I love you
This is also dedicated to my nephews ( Giovanni and Ivan) and my Aspira babies!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Our Song: A Poem by Me
Our Song
Written by J.N.
In memory of El Mio
What was once our song, is now so long gone
Well not really, but the emotional pull is so strong, can you still feel me?
So now when I hear that B to A , that A to a G, that G to an Fb, that Fb to an E
I think this was me, this was you….this was us
Was it a gust of lust?
The domination of infatuation?
Or were we just so much into each other that we didn’t take the time to listen to what we should have heard?
Which was the sound in between our words
As I write, that solo plays in my mind’s ear
And how I wish to get it out of my head, its still there
BEEE, AY, GEE, F flat, AY E, EEE
And it keeps going…
It goes to the trills which give me electric chills
To imagine your fingers tips caressing me just as passionate as you touch you frets
I try to forget, and it’s hard because I can’t or maybe I just don’t want to
Fantasies and day dreams of us together seem to drift out of my reality as you rift into an inferno tonality
Slips right through the piano cracks and is erased off my manuscript
But I guess this is it,
This solo will always vamp your in key, which will always sound perfect to me
Because this was our song
Written by J.N.
In memory of El Mio
What was once our song, is now so long gone
Well not really, but the emotional pull is so strong, can you still feel me?
So now when I hear that B to A , that A to a G, that G to an Fb, that Fb to an E
I think this was me, this was you….this was us
Was it a gust of lust?
The domination of infatuation?
Or were we just so much into each other that we didn’t take the time to listen to what we should have heard?
Which was the sound in between our words
As I write, that solo plays in my mind’s ear
And how I wish to get it out of my head, its still there
BEEE, AY, GEE, F flat, AY E, EEE
And it keeps going…
It goes to the trills which give me electric chills
To imagine your fingers tips caressing me just as passionate as you touch you frets
I try to forget, and it’s hard because I can’t or maybe I just don’t want to
Fantasies and day dreams of us together seem to drift out of my reality as you rift into an inferno tonality
Slips right through the piano cracks and is erased off my manuscript
But I guess this is it,
This solo will always vamp your in key, which will always sound perfect to me
Because this was our song
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Why Don't You Love Me?
I was doing my Poetry homework when I realized something and I just had to be like fuck it, I'M BLOGGIN! So here I am.
So I've been thinking about it, and while I was happy past found me the other day...I've come to notice that past only wants me as much as past talks...which doesn't seem to be very much. So it leaves me to think...past do you really need me like you said you did and do? Do you really want me like you said you did and do? Do you really want a present and future with me like you say you do? I don't know about you past...Not to sound conceited or anything but if you really wanted me that much, why don't you fight for it? Why must I question it out of you? The only thing you have over present is a history with me...that's it.Ugh I told myself I wasn't going to be here again...again like this...wanting you, waiting for you, bending at your will, putting myself out there while you just sit there relaxing. Past you told me that you took me for granted and yet that's all you seem to be doing...all over again. You commit yourself to everything else but the thought of me. This song sums it up perfectly
Why Don't You Love Me - Beyonce
Now, now, now, honey
You better sit down and look around
Cause you must've bumped yo' head
And I love you enough to talk some sense back into you, baby
I'd hate to see you come home, me the kids
And the dog is gone
Check my credentials...
I give you everything you want everything you need
Even your friends say I'm a good woman
All I need to know is why?
Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
And why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?
I got beauty, I got class
I got style, and I got @ss
And you don't even care to care
Looka here
I even put money in the bank account
Don't have to ask no one to help me out
You don't even notice that
Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?
I got beauty, I got heart
Keep my head in them books, I'm sharp
But you don't care to know I'm smart
Now, now now now now now now
I got moves in your bedroom
Keep you happy with the nasty things I do
But you don't seem to be in tune
Ooh.....
Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?
There's nothing not to love about me
No, no, there's nothing not to love about me
I'm lovely
There's nothing not to need about me
No, no, there's nothing not to need about me
Maybe you're just not the one
Or maybe you're just plain....... DUMB
So I've been thinking about it, and while I was happy past found me the other day...I've come to notice that past only wants me as much as past talks...which doesn't seem to be very much. So it leaves me to think...past do you really need me like you said you did and do? Do you really want me like you said you did and do? Do you really want a present and future with me like you say you do? I don't know about you past...Not to sound conceited or anything but if you really wanted me that much, why don't you fight for it? Why must I question it out of you? The only thing you have over present is a history with me...that's it.Ugh I told myself I wasn't going to be here again...again like this...wanting you, waiting for you, bending at your will, putting myself out there while you just sit there relaxing. Past you told me that you took me for granted and yet that's all you seem to be doing...all over again. You commit yourself to everything else but the thought of me. This song sums it up perfectly
Why Don't You Love Me - Beyonce
Now, now, now, honey
You better sit down and look around
Cause you must've bumped yo' head
And I love you enough to talk some sense back into you, baby
I'd hate to see you come home, me the kids
And the dog is gone
Check my credentials...
I give you everything you want everything you need
Even your friends say I'm a good woman
All I need to know is why?
Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
And why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?
I got beauty, I got class
I got style, and I got @ss
And you don't even care to care
Looka here
I even put money in the bank account
Don't have to ask no one to help me out
You don't even notice that
Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?
I got beauty, I got heart
Keep my head in them books, I'm sharp
But you don't care to know I'm smart
Now, now now now now now now
I got moves in your bedroom
Keep you happy with the nasty things I do
But you don't seem to be in tune
Ooh.....
Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?
There's nothing not to love about me
No, no, there's nothing not to love about me
I'm lovely
There's nothing not to need about me
No, no, there's nothing not to need about me
Maybe you're just not the one
Or maybe you're just plain....... DUMB
Monday, June 14, 2010
Cause I Want U ( Maybe)
Well before I begin, I just wanted to update you on my bridges. Shortly after writing that, I stood at the edge of where those burnt bridges once stood, I looked down at their remains and talked to them. I told them that I hoped all was well even though I couldn't walk over them...and I wished that with total sincerity. They responded by echoing back what I had told them. It looks like quite a few of these bridges could possibly be rebuilt again...
1st Bridge (Little Italy Blvd) = Echoed back, building in other places...may not get rebuilt
2nd bridge (Green St) - Echoed back, building in other places, can possibly be rebuilt
3rd bridge (Memorial Drive)Hasn't echoed back...still waiting
4th bridge (Commons Parkway) Echoed back before I even realized it echoed back, is being rebuilt, still pending walk-ability
So now I guess my question is...can these bridges really be rebuilt from scratch, glued together with pieces left in the rubble or am I just trying to yell across to the other side?
Now to the initial reason for my blogging
So the past sometimes has its funny way of finding you later down the road and making itself into the present. Sometimes it even has the intention of becoming the future. And the funny thing about the past is, you never ever forget it...you carry it everywhere with you, even when you think you've left it somewhere. At least that's what I think.
So with that said, past has come back to me and our meeting was a bit of a shock/surprise to both of us, but I'm glad that it turned out to be good and happy one. While talking to past, I've come to learn that past isn't living in the past anymore, but living in a present that isn't too much different from the past. As past and I converse...questions are answered, explanations are told and become clear, memories are reminisced, smiles smile, and laughs laugh. As past and I continue conversating, I remember why past and I were so good together and why to this day, I still love it. But things have changed since past last saw me, I've grown up a little bit...I'm just a little different now...but somethings about me haven't and that's what pulls past and I back...at least that's what I think. I'm not sure if past, which is now present will turn into future...but I like where it's at now.
Here's to bridges and to past because you found me
but most importantly, to you past....cause I Want U
1st Bridge (Little Italy Blvd) = Echoed back, building in other places...may not get rebuilt
2nd bridge (Green St) - Echoed back, building in other places, can possibly be rebuilt
3rd bridge (Memorial Drive)Hasn't echoed back...still waiting
4th bridge (Commons Parkway) Echoed back before I even realized it echoed back, is being rebuilt, still pending walk-ability
So now I guess my question is...can these bridges really be rebuilt from scratch, glued together with pieces left in the rubble or am I just trying to yell across to the other side?
Now to the initial reason for my blogging
So the past sometimes has its funny way of finding you later down the road and making itself into the present. Sometimes it even has the intention of becoming the future. And the funny thing about the past is, you never ever forget it...you carry it everywhere with you, even when you think you've left it somewhere. At least that's what I think.
So with that said, past has come back to me and our meeting was a bit of a shock/surprise to both of us, but I'm glad that it turned out to be good and happy one. While talking to past, I've come to learn that past isn't living in the past anymore, but living in a present that isn't too much different from the past. As past and I converse...questions are answered, explanations are told and become clear, memories are reminisced, smiles smile, and laughs laugh. As past and I continue conversating, I remember why past and I were so good together and why to this day, I still love it. But things have changed since past last saw me, I've grown up a little bit...I'm just a little different now...but somethings about me haven't and that's what pulls past and I back...at least that's what I think. I'm not sure if past, which is now present will turn into future...but I like where it's at now.
Here's to bridges and to past because you found me
but most importantly, to you past....cause I Want U
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