My Baby You: Lieben Kitty

Aye, soooo as many of you might know, I have a new cat, got her a week after my grandfather's cat pass ( R.I.P. Gato). It didnt take me very long to start loving her. A week into adopting her, she came down with what i call the "kennel flu", where she comes to a new home and just the new environment makes her a lil sicky. I kid you not, she was having probs breathing and sneezing all the time. I would take her in the bathroom with me while I took a steaming shower. At night i would keep her under the blankets with me, so she would share my heat and even wen she sneezed all over me, i was there to wipe her nose. I even go out of the city to get a special cat food that she likes. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HER!!!! Tonight my mom noticed she had been licking 1 paw alot, i look and it looked like a booboo :( I haven't gotten her pet insurance yet cause I havent had the funding to do so, but I'm so worried. I washed her booboo and i could tell it hurt her, i hope she doesnt hate me now cause it might have hurt her. :( I just hope that what ever she has is curable and I can continue to love her for the next 10-15 years. Its funny because I think I finally have an idea of what a parent goes through.

As a parent, you have this child or infant who is new to everything. While they get use to this new world, they are learning 1 of the most important lessons of life and that is to trust. So here you have this baby who can't do anything for themselves so they have to trust that you will do everything for them to keep them healthy ( of course many would argue babies don't know that, but i believe deep down in their tiny hearts, they know). So because they are still babies, they can't really communicate with you...you have ideas on what they want and what you think they are saying to you...but you still don't know. The great thing about it all though, is day in and day out, they are there, waiting for you, there to see you every moment of the day...and regardless of how crappy your day went or even how crazy they make you....you can't help but smile when you see them. Then your baby gets older and here they are, making friends with mischief and getting into everything. As a loving parent the most common phrase they will hear you say ( outside of "I love you") is "NO!!!". At some point they understand no, but still do it anyway....just because. But what you don't realize until you feel it is YOU LOVE THEM! You love them soo much that when they are hurt or cry and they can't tell you why, you are amazingly miserable for the fact you can only do so much to help. You love them soo much that you would walk to the other side of the world on glass barefooted just to get them or help them. That they could both physically and emotionally hurt you, but you still cant stop loving them. Now I don't know if this is parental love, but IT IS TRUE LOVE.

This is dedicated to you my Lieben, because you make me laugh, because you look for me when I get home, because you wake me up just to feed you and because I know you love me and because I love you


This is also dedicated to my nephews ( Giovanni and Ivan) and my Aspira babies!

Our Song: A Poem by Me

Our Song
Written by J.N.

In memory of El Mio


What was once our song, is now so long gone
Well not really, but the emotional pull is so strong, can you still feel me?
So now when I hear that B to A , that A to a G, that G to an Fb, that Fb to an E
I think this was me, this was you….this was us
Was it a gust of lust?
The domination of infatuation?
Or were we just so much into each other that we didn’t take the time to listen to what we should have heard?
Which was the sound in between our words
As I write, that solo plays in my mind’s ear
And how I wish to get it out of my head, its still there


BEEE, AY, GEE, F flat, AY E, EEE


And it keeps going…
It goes to the trills which give me electric chills
To imagine your fingers tips caressing me just as passionate as you touch you frets
I try to forget, and it’s hard because I can’t or maybe I just don’t want to
Fantasies and day dreams of us together seem to drift out of my reality as you rift into an inferno tonality
Slips right through the piano cracks and is erased off my manuscript
But I guess this is it,
This solo will always vamp your in key, which will always sound perfect to me

Because this was our song

Why Don't You Love Me?

I was doing my Poetry homework when I realized something and I just had to be like fuck it, I'M BLOGGIN! So here I am.

So I've been thinking about it, and while I was happy past found me the other day...I've come to notice that past only wants me as much as past talks...which doesn't seem to be very much. So it leaves me to think...past do you really need me like you said you did and do? Do you really want me like you said you did and do? Do you really want a present and future with me like you say you do? I don't know about you past...Not to sound conceited or anything but if you really wanted me that much, why don't you fight for it? Why must I question it out of you? The only thing you have over present is a history with me...that's it.Ugh I told myself I wasn't going to be here again...again like this...wanting you, waiting for you, bending at your will, putting myself out there while you just sit there relaxing. Past you told me that you took me for granted and yet that's all you seem to be doing...all over again. You commit yourself to everything else but the thought of me. This song sums it up perfectly

Why Don't You Love Me - Beyonce

Now, now, now, honey
You better sit down and look around
Cause you must've bumped yo' head
And I love you enough to talk some sense back into you, baby
I'd hate to see you come home, me the kids
And the dog is gone
Check my credentials...
I give you everything you want everything you need
Even your friends say I'm a good woman
All I need to know is why?

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
And why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got class
I got style, and I got @ss
And you don't even care to care
Looka here
I even put money in the bank account
Don't have to ask no one to help me out
You don't even notice that

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got heart
Keep my head in them books, I'm sharp
But you don't care to know I'm smart
Now, now now now now now now
I got moves in your bedroom
Keep you happy with the nasty things I do
But you don't seem to be in tune
Ooh.....

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

There's nothing not to love about me
No, no, there's nothing not to love about me
I'm lovely
There's nothing not to need about me
No, no, there's nothing not to need about me
Maybe you're just not the one
Or maybe you're just plain....... DUMB

Cause I Want U ( Maybe)

Well before I begin, I just wanted to update you on my bridges. Shortly after writing that, I stood at the edge of where those burnt bridges once stood, I looked down at their remains and talked to them. I told them that I hoped all was well even though I couldn't walk over them...and I wished that with total sincerity. They responded by echoing back what I had told them. It looks like quite a few of these bridges could possibly be rebuilt again...

1st Bridge (Little Italy Blvd) = Echoed back, building in other places...may not get rebuilt

2nd bridge (Green St) - Echoed back, building in other places, can possibly be rebuilt

3rd bridge (Memorial Drive)Hasn't echoed back...still waiting

4th bridge (Commons Parkway) Echoed back before I even realized it echoed back, is being rebuilt, still pending walk-ability

So now I guess my question is...can these bridges really be rebuilt from scratch, glued together with pieces left in the rubble or am I just trying to yell across to the other side?

Now to the initial reason for my blogging

So the past sometimes has its funny way of finding you later down the road and making itself into the present. Sometimes it even has the intention of becoming the future. And the funny thing about the past is, you never ever forget it...you carry it everywhere with you, even when you think you've left it somewhere. At least that's what I think.

So with that said, past has come back to me and our meeting was a bit of a shock/surprise to both of us, but I'm glad that it turned out to be good and happy one. While talking to past, I've come to learn that past isn't living in the past anymore, but living in a present that isn't too much different from the past. As past and I converse...questions are answered, explanations are told and become clear, memories are reminisced, smiles smile, and laughs laugh. As past and I continue conversating, I remember why past and I were so good together and why to this day, I still love it. But things have changed since past last saw me, I've grown up a little bit...I'm just a little different now...but somethings about me haven't and that's what pulls past and I back...at least that's what I think. I'm not sure if past, which is now present will turn into future...but I like where it's at now.

Here's to bridges and to past because you found me
but most importantly, to you past....cause I Want U

Why Do U Gotta B Like That?

and Unfortunately this is not a happy blog





I just don't fucking understand you and why you do the things you do.Seriously, do you really think I'm telling you things because I want to be a bitch and piss you off? Because I'm not happy until I know I'm being a pain in your ass? Because I have nothing better to do? Well if that's what you think, THEN YOUR SOOOOOO FUCKING WRONG!

I tell you these things to avoid problems
Avoid aggravation
&
Avoid being upset

I don't know what it is with you. You seem to do what you want to do and not think of anyone else but yourself
And the funny thing is you're sooo use to relying on the excuse that you don't know any better or that you're stupid, that now you don't even do the right thing....barely any way
I just wish you would grown up and stop acting like a little kid
When the fact is you know you're not a little kid
You can do so much on your own but you're too lazy to do it
so you try to take shortcuts for everything
UGHHHHHHHHHH!
I can't speak for anyone but myself on this one but YOU ARE NOT STUPID
YOU JUST DO STUPID THINGS ALL THE TIME
AND THAT MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID

When will you realize we won't always be here to help you and get you out of trouble???
When will you realize that???
Hopefully its not too late...

Bridges

Lately...I've been thinking a lot about bridges. Not exactly the bridges you have to cross over because of a river or something like that, but rather the bridges you make with people. If you think about it....and I mean really think about it...wherever you are in life, you have crossed so many bridges. Think of all the people you've met and gotten to know...that's a lot of bridges isn't it? Think of all the places those bridges have taken you, all the things you've experienced (good and bad) because you crossed those bridges...it's something right? So lately I've been thinking about all the bridges I've made, the bridges that I still walk over, the bridges that I've burnt to the ground because the foundation of that bridge[relationship] was faulty, the bridges I'm slowly but surely building, and the bridges I have yet to get to. And this idea of bridges is a bitter sweet one. I love that the bridges I've built and walked over (whether I've walked them once or a bazillion times) have brought me to a somewhere that has led me to here and now. I love that the bridges I still walk over are there to walk over. I'm even happy and excited to know there are bridges I have yet to build and walk over. But what makes me sad are the bridges that felt so safe and secure to walk over but in the end, they weren't, therefore I don't walk over them anymore. Some bridges where so bad that I had to burn them because I knew I loved walking over that bridge so much that even though it wasn't safe to walk them, I would still walk them hoping to get to the other side, a side I wanted to be on.

These bridges have led me to

Friends
Best Friends
Boyfriends
Family
Good Memories
Bad Memories
Different Cities and Places
Experiences
Opportunities
Failures
Accomplishments
Likes
Dislikes
Knowledge
A sense of Community and Family
And Love


Here's to the bridges...to the one's I've built and walked over, to the ones I still walk over, to the ones that no long exist and to the ones I have yet to get to

Hopefully there's a bridge that leads me back to you :)

I Just Don't Know About U Sumtimes

I really hate that lately, most of my blogs have been kinda of negative and ...well frankly about the guys ( that seem to come and go) in my life. So this one, well he started off cool, I felt like I could be my goofball self with him and even share my creativity with him...he's just that kind of person....BUT idk everything seems so sexual with him. Now don't get me wrong, I think sex can be a very funny topic and I enjoy some good ol sexual humor every now n then...but idk...lately it just hasn't been on point * smh* He just seems to be hitting all the wrong buttons with me. We agreed to just talk and just kind of go with the flow * he feels that if he has it in his head that he wants us to be together and grow into something more special that just boyfriend and girlfriend, then it will mess everything up*, however, his humor just seems to be...hmmm....degrading maybe? I can't really explain it, but I just feel like his humor is trying to make me out to be some sort of hoe. Ladies you know what I'm talking about right? Like he's trying to be funny and just get you to open up a bit, but it seems like he's just trying to open up your legs...does that make sense? I think he means well, but DAMN does it just rub me the wrong way. Let me show you the convo

Confused Bellaco (Him): Didn't care too much for it [today]. Gettin a lil tired of my job. trying to find another one during the day. plus, im still sore...would like a massage

Me: I got u

Confused Bellaco: Will it be a Korean massage? lol

Me: Korean?

Confused Bellaco: Korean, Asian, oriental...massage with a happy ending. Get it? lol

Me: :/ oh that. No. it's funny you bring that up cuz after my undergrad I want to become a licensed massage therapist and then go get a degree in physical therapy or sports med to compliment my license. But ever since I told my mom I wanted to do that, she always told me that its not the massage they come in for, it's the happy ending they want. Quite frankly, if I wanted to be a hoe, I wouldn't have graduated high school and pursing a degree in high education. so yea no happy ending with me. Hate to burst your bubble

Confused Bellaco: Wow. I was kidding

Me: I guess we have different senses of humor


DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?!


IDK.....

this is the closest I can get to how I'm feeling...Why U Gotta B So Estupid?