Why Don't You Love Me?

I was doing my Poetry homework when I realized something and I just had to be like fuck it, I'M BLOGGIN! So here I am.

So I've been thinking about it, and while I was happy past found me the other day...I've come to notice that past only wants me as much as past talks...which doesn't seem to be very much. So it leaves me to think...past do you really need me like you said you did and do? Do you really want me like you said you did and do? Do you really want a present and future with me like you say you do? I don't know about you past...Not to sound conceited or anything but if you really wanted me that much, why don't you fight for it? Why must I question it out of you? The only thing you have over present is a history with me...that's it.Ugh I told myself I wasn't going to be here again...again like this...wanting you, waiting for you, bending at your will, putting myself out there while you just sit there relaxing. Past you told me that you took me for granted and yet that's all you seem to be doing...all over again. You commit yourself to everything else but the thought of me. This song sums it up perfectly

Why Don't You Love Me - Beyonce

Now, now, now, honey
You better sit down and look around
Cause you must've bumped yo' head
And I love you enough to talk some sense back into you, baby
I'd hate to see you come home, me the kids
And the dog is gone
Check my credentials...
I give you everything you want everything you need
Even your friends say I'm a good woman
All I need to know is why?

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
And why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got class
I got style, and I got @ss
And you don't even care to care
Looka here
I even put money in the bank account
Don't have to ask no one to help me out
You don't even notice that

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got heart
Keep my head in them books, I'm sharp
But you don't care to know I'm smart
Now, now now now now now now
I got moves in your bedroom
Keep you happy with the nasty things I do
But you don't seem to be in tune
Ooh.....

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

There's nothing not to love about me
No, no, there's nothing not to love about me
I'm lovely
There's nothing not to need about me
No, no, there's nothing not to need about me
Maybe you're just not the one
Or maybe you're just plain....... DUMB

Cause I Want U ( Maybe)

Well before I begin, I just wanted to update you on my bridges. Shortly after writing that, I stood at the edge of where those burnt bridges once stood, I looked down at their remains and talked to them. I told them that I hoped all was well even though I couldn't walk over them...and I wished that with total sincerity. They responded by echoing back what I had told them. It looks like quite a few of these bridges could possibly be rebuilt again...

1st Bridge (Little Italy Blvd) = Echoed back, building in other places...may not get rebuilt

2nd bridge (Green St) - Echoed back, building in other places, can possibly be rebuilt

3rd bridge (Memorial Drive)Hasn't echoed back...still waiting

4th bridge (Commons Parkway) Echoed back before I even realized it echoed back, is being rebuilt, still pending walk-ability

So now I guess my question is...can these bridges really be rebuilt from scratch, glued together with pieces left in the rubble or am I just trying to yell across to the other side?

Now to the initial reason for my blogging

So the past sometimes has its funny way of finding you later down the road and making itself into the present. Sometimes it even has the intention of becoming the future. And the funny thing about the past is, you never ever forget it...you carry it everywhere with you, even when you think you've left it somewhere. At least that's what I think.

So with that said, past has come back to me and our meeting was a bit of a shock/surprise to both of us, but I'm glad that it turned out to be good and happy one. While talking to past, I've come to learn that past isn't living in the past anymore, but living in a present that isn't too much different from the past. As past and I converse...questions are answered, explanations are told and become clear, memories are reminisced, smiles smile, and laughs laugh. As past and I continue conversating, I remember why past and I were so good together and why to this day, I still love it. But things have changed since past last saw me, I've grown up a little bit...I'm just a little different now...but somethings about me haven't and that's what pulls past and I back...at least that's what I think. I'm not sure if past, which is now present will turn into future...but I like where it's at now.

Here's to bridges and to past because you found me
but most importantly, to you past....cause I Want U

Why Do U Gotta B Like That?

and Unfortunately this is not a happy blog





I just don't fucking understand you and why you do the things you do.Seriously, do you really think I'm telling you things because I want to be a bitch and piss you off? Because I'm not happy until I know I'm being a pain in your ass? Because I have nothing better to do? Well if that's what you think, THEN YOUR SOOOOOO FUCKING WRONG!

I tell you these things to avoid problems
Avoid aggravation
&
Avoid being upset

I don't know what it is with you. You seem to do what you want to do and not think of anyone else but yourself
And the funny thing is you're sooo use to relying on the excuse that you don't know any better or that you're stupid, that now you don't even do the right thing....barely any way
I just wish you would grown up and stop acting like a little kid
When the fact is you know you're not a little kid
You can do so much on your own but you're too lazy to do it
so you try to take shortcuts for everything
UGHHHHHHHHHH!
I can't speak for anyone but myself on this one but YOU ARE NOT STUPID
YOU JUST DO STUPID THINGS ALL THE TIME
AND THAT MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID

When will you realize we won't always be here to help you and get you out of trouble???
When will you realize that???
Hopefully its not too late...

Bridges

Lately...I've been thinking a lot about bridges. Not exactly the bridges you have to cross over because of a river or something like that, but rather the bridges you make with people. If you think about it....and I mean really think about it...wherever you are in life, you have crossed so many bridges. Think of all the people you've met and gotten to know...that's a lot of bridges isn't it? Think of all the places those bridges have taken you, all the things you've experienced (good and bad) because you crossed those bridges...it's something right? So lately I've been thinking about all the bridges I've made, the bridges that I still walk over, the bridges that I've burnt to the ground because the foundation of that bridge[relationship] was faulty, the bridges I'm slowly but surely building, and the bridges I have yet to get to. And this idea of bridges is a bitter sweet one. I love that the bridges I've built and walked over (whether I've walked them once or a bazillion times) have brought me to a somewhere that has led me to here and now. I love that the bridges I still walk over are there to walk over. I'm even happy and excited to know there are bridges I have yet to build and walk over. But what makes me sad are the bridges that felt so safe and secure to walk over but in the end, they weren't, therefore I don't walk over them anymore. Some bridges where so bad that I had to burn them because I knew I loved walking over that bridge so much that even though it wasn't safe to walk them, I would still walk them hoping to get to the other side, a side I wanted to be on.

These bridges have led me to

Friends
Best Friends
Boyfriends
Family
Good Memories
Bad Memories
Different Cities and Places
Experiences
Opportunities
Failures
Accomplishments
Likes
Dislikes
Knowledge
A sense of Community and Family
And Love


Here's to the bridges...to the one's I've built and walked over, to the ones I still walk over, to the ones that no long exist and to the ones I have yet to get to

Hopefully there's a bridge that leads me back to you :)

I Just Don't Know About U Sumtimes

I really hate that lately, most of my blogs have been kinda of negative and ...well frankly about the guys ( that seem to come and go) in my life. So this one, well he started off cool, I felt like I could be my goofball self with him and even share my creativity with him...he's just that kind of person....BUT idk everything seems so sexual with him. Now don't get me wrong, I think sex can be a very funny topic and I enjoy some good ol sexual humor every now n then...but idk...lately it just hasn't been on point * smh* He just seems to be hitting all the wrong buttons with me. We agreed to just talk and just kind of go with the flow * he feels that if he has it in his head that he wants us to be together and grow into something more special that just boyfriend and girlfriend, then it will mess everything up*, however, his humor just seems to be...hmmm....degrading maybe? I can't really explain it, but I just feel like his humor is trying to make me out to be some sort of hoe. Ladies you know what I'm talking about right? Like he's trying to be funny and just get you to open up a bit, but it seems like he's just trying to open up your legs...does that make sense? I think he means well, but DAMN does it just rub me the wrong way. Let me show you the convo

Confused Bellaco (Him): Didn't care too much for it [today]. Gettin a lil tired of my job. trying to find another one during the day. plus, im still sore...would like a massage

Me: I got u

Confused Bellaco: Will it be a Korean massage? lol

Me: Korean?

Confused Bellaco: Korean, Asian, oriental...massage with a happy ending. Get it? lol

Me: :/ oh that. No. it's funny you bring that up cuz after my undergrad I want to become a licensed massage therapist and then go get a degree in physical therapy or sports med to compliment my license. But ever since I told my mom I wanted to do that, she always told me that its not the massage they come in for, it's the happy ending they want. Quite frankly, if I wanted to be a hoe, I wouldn't have graduated high school and pursing a degree in high education. so yea no happy ending with me. Hate to burst your bubble

Confused Bellaco: Wow. I was kidding

Me: I guess we have different senses of humor


DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?!


IDK.....

this is the closest I can get to how I'm feeling...Why U Gotta B So Estupid?

U Oughta Know

Hmmm....well peeps, I have another topic to blog about. *Smh* Idk how this happens on days when I really have like a bazillion and 1 things to do....but it does and here it is. So the other day I made a dumb funny simile between giving head and giving up your seat to the old lady on the bus ( which is that if the situation presents itself...u just kinda have to do) * NOW B4 U GET UR PANTIES ALL IN A BUNCH, IM NOT SAYING THATS TRUE, IT WAS JUST A JOKE I MADE* anyhow, I shared this simile with an acquaintance of mine. And so this acquaintance( we will call them Oso) tried connecting dancing with getting head. And I told Oso that I think oral is sex, just a different form of sex and dancing doesn't guarantee you head. Oso laughed it off and asked me to explain myself and truth be told, I couldn't give Oso an exact reason. It's just what I think. I mean for me personally, you don't just give head or have sex with just anyone. For me to do that, I'd have to be seriously involved with a guy, we would have to be boyfriend and girlfriend, trust each other and be comfortable with each other. Oso asked what would a guy get if he was my boyfriend ( but Oso said it as "what comes with the territory [ with being your boyfriend]" * As if becoming a woman's boyfriend is like the Louisiana Purchase...U GET ALL OF THE WESTERN STATES, WTF?!*. I said me... mind, body and spirit but you can't just be like "*hypothetically speaking* o ok I'm your man now, so give me all of u". It doesn't work that way...it takes time. Oso then said "what if we were exclusive :) and I gave you dances" * gave you dances...que eso?* ****By the way, I should mention that I wanted to go dancing with Oso...JUST DANCING**** And I said exclusive what? fuck buddies? And that dancing should be fun, not because you want to get ass out of it. Oso said that fuck buddies were too complicated and that "dancing is a way to a girl's heart, plus it helps getting in her pants too lol stop me if i lie". So I replied back with " Well, if you think that by us going dancing is a way to "help get in my pants" then you are mistaken". Oso said "no I never said that, and chill I was just asking about the dancing and head was a different thing and still there is not sex involved yet lol". I'm not sure what that last red bold italicized line meant...but I told Oso that it's funny cause it sure sounded like they were trying to connect the 2 ( dancing and head), but ok.

Now I don't think any guys are reading this, I'm sure it's just a few good friends who happen to be all girls...so let me ask you this ladies....

1) what do you think about the whole conversation?
2) "What comes with the territory", how would you feel is someone referred to you like that?
3) Dancing = Giving Head ???
4) The way to a girl's heart is dancing...and ultimately the way to getting into her pants?
5) Is it just me or was Oso really trying to connect the 2?
6) Overall...how does this make you feel? Have you ever gone through something similar...that just because your a woman you have to....
Share your responses with me

Thought You'd Oughta Know...

We All Got a Hillbilly Bone

So idk lately I've been listening to Country. I'm not sure if it's because my dad listens to it and it makes me think of him or idk cause I like it...maybe it's both. I've kinda always liked it, but now I'm listening to it more than ever. There's just something beautiful about a good Country song...idk maybe its the guitar or the violins, or the honest to God truth lyrics. I think having Trace Adkins on Celebrity Apprentice convinced me more. hahaha but anyhow. If you've never really listened to Country, I really suggest you do, it will make you laugh, smile, cry, want to drink and just have a good time! :) Here's the lyrics to Hillbilly Bone

Oh man, you've gotta watch where you're stepping around here
Yeah I got a friend in New York City
He's never heard of Connway Twitty
Don't know nothing about grits and greens
Never been south of Queens
But he flew down here on a business trip
I took him honky tonkin' and that was it
He took to it like a pig to mud, like a cow to cud

We all got a hillbilly bone down deep inside
No matter where you from you just can't hide it
And when the band starts banging and the fiddle saws
You can't help but hollering, Yee Haw!
When you see them pretty little country queens
Man you gotta admit that's in them genes
Ain't nothing wrong, just getting on your
hillbilly bone-ba-bone-ba-bone-bone

Nah, you ain't gotta be born out in the sticks
With an F-150 and a 30-06,
Or have a bubba in the family tree
To get on down with me
All you need is an open mind
If it fires you up you gotta let it shine
When it feels so right that it cant be wrong
Come on, come on, come on

We all got a hillbilly bone down deep inside
No matter where you from you just can't hide
And when the band starts banging and the fiddle saws
You can't help but hollering, Yee Haw!
When you see them pretty little country queens
Man you gotta admit that's in them genes
Ain't nothing wrong, just getting on your
hillbilly bone-ba-bone-ba-bone-bone

Come on y'all

We all got a hillbilly bone down deep inside
No matter where you from you just can't hide
And when the band starts banging and the fiddle saws
You can't help but hollering, Yee Haw!
When you see them pretty little country queens
Man you gotta admit that's in them genes
Ain't nothing wrong, just getting on your
hillbilly bone-ba-bone-ba-bone-bone
Hillbilly done ba-bone ba-bone bone
Hillbilly done ba-bone ba-bone bone

:) Funny isn't it? Some country songs that I like
Alcohol - Brad Praisley
Cowboy Casanova & Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood
Anthing But Mine - Kenny Chesney
Need you Now - Lady Antebellum
Indian Outlaw, I like it I love it, Suspicions, My little Girl - Tim McGaw
You're Gonna Miss this,Fightin' Word - Trace Adkins

theres more but those are just a few.