I just can't make you happy

I take a deep breath and try to let it out slowly
Inhale....exhale
Inhale....exhale
Inhale....exhale
Do I want to forget and try to live in your make believe fairy tale?
Should I just forget and let you have your cake and eat it too?
Should I continue to try to love you and just let everything pass through?
Do I ignore her scent on your pillows, pretend not to taste her lip gloss on your lips, make myself numb to her warmth that lingers on your dick?
You call it love making, but my body is just there,while I float away aimlessly
Wondering what's wrong with me, why am I still here?

I thought I could teach you how to love without fear, but how can I when you're still unresolved in your past?

I thought I'd be easy for you to trust, but how can you when your mind is still stuck in a mental cask?

Yes, I am care-free, and while its not easy, its not impossible

Yes, I'm not the jealous type but that doesn't change the fact that I don't trust her

In the heat of it all, we all lose it

We stop thinking, and start feeding off of our wants and desires

We give into lust which burns as fast as dry fire

We forget and let it devour us

I don't want to be there when you forget cause she's leading you there

You tell me how I feel is unexpected, shocking and you try to make me feel bad

But I'm not stupid, add you 2 together, subtract every bit of clothing, divide her legs in half and

Before you know it, she's moaning your name, and you are loving her

It makes me sick to think you will tell her everything you told me

It makes me feel stupid trusting your false grantee

I realized on the way home as the wind tried to push back my tears and as I tried to swallow my sadness, that I can not bring you the happiness

The happiness you want and to be honest its cause I'm selfish

And I refuse to share myself with someone who doesn't understand the value and limits of sharing and who is sharing every sweet lie and every stroke with the world

No I don't wish bad upon you, but I want you to learn and eventually come to an understanding

So give me a reason to be, give me a reason to love you

btw I hate that this song will always make me think of u......

Yo Quisiera Amarlo

I wanted to write exactly how I was feeling in a poem, but so much is flying around my head, so maybe if I write it out here, a pretty poem will result.

So there's a guy I've been talking to for a couple weeks now. He, up until this point seemed head over heels for me before me. But now, I think the tables have turned, or at least the table clothes are the same color now, but at this point, I'm not sure if either of us realize it, I think I do. He was soooo madly into me, every minute resisting a kiss, but then gave in. Almost every sidewalk was accompanied with us hand in hand. Every other other whisper was him telling me how beautiful I was to him, and me blushing with a thanking smile. Every hug was heart felt and sincere. And at the beginning, while I heard it and felt it, it wasn't sinking in. It finally sank in last night while we were in dazing embrace of hugs and kisses. At that moment, I felt no shame in anything, I felt so clean,free,beautiful,happy,cared for, and maybe a passionate compassion of love? He had whispered to me earlier that I am someone he could love and said he was scared cause he thought he was starting to love me already, and my response to him was "don't be scared to love, just love". Later that night, I whispered to him I thought I was starting to love him too. His response was for me to be careful because that's not a word he throws around or feels should be thrown around because of feelings that in the moment can confuse us. And while I heard what he said, at that moment, I didn't really care because I was just so happy and I gave into not being scared and just loving it all. The night ended, morning came and he called just to tell me good night, he was thinking of me and missing me already...how cute is that. I only slept 5 hours, but I woke up (not rested) but ready. I went to work in a good mood and came out hoping to talk to him. It didn't really work out that way, but neh I figured it was whatever.

I finally got home and my phone rang, it was him on the other end. He called to tell me a friend was coming over to watch the game, as soon as he said that my heart sank and I quickly switched my tone to indifferent.

A lot of things have happened in this past week and week itself. Today I decided to stay at a friends house and try to relax and have fun, but as I got up, I felt sad. I realized that today, would be the first day I'd go without hearing from him. :( How sad. I dont think he realizes how much I miss him, how lonely it feels without him. I got into an argument with him yesterday just because he wasnt understanding the serverity of the situation at hand. And as much as I didn't

Doing My Laundry

Maybe I'm going through an enlightenment period or something because I'm really coming to terms with realization. Its obvious what Ive come to terms with because of previous blogs, but heres a new realization. I've realized that in life, no matter who you are, where your from or what ever the circumstance, its sooooo easy to be selfish. What really takes a lot of work is being a person who is selfless. Sometimes when life gets really really hard, I think how easy life would be if I wasn't there, not only for me but for others.Like right now, my parents don't have 1 child, but they still have me, would it matter if they had neither? What would happen? Would things get worse? Would things be cheaper? Would things be happy? Would they notice I was gone? Would life be as quiet as it is now, or would it be loud? I have my own speculations to some of those answers, but to be completely honest, I really don't know. Sometimes I feel like I would wanna know, but if I take myself, then I wouldn't ever know, would I? Thinking like this scares me. I'm not too religious, but I believe in a heaven, hell,god,devil, and sins. So when I start thinking like this, I feel like its not me thinking. Like its something bad, something thats not human-like. So i quickly weigh the good and the bad in my head and i realize good wins. So maybe I'm not too far gone, but far enough to explore the inner caverns of my mind. But getting back to my whole realization of selfishness vs. selflessness. I guess my parents are examples of being selfless. they give their all to my brother and I, regardless of where that leaves them. and i guess given my certain change of heart, I'm becoming more selfless. growing up is all about learning everything and anything about you, your surroundings, feelings and situations. glad theres friends who understand that and a blank page to accept my mental tattoos.

I'm only 21 but I've had my share of heartache thus far, and I feel like Im lucky at 21 to know what a want. Of course this may change, but I been like this for awhile,so I'm happy

Disappointed Much?

Well, I'm not disappointed in myself. This year has been a bunch of ups and downs, but right now its great! I was in a beautiful production of The Secret Garden, I met a lot of cool people, I've become more inspired and driven, made a lot of good memories, I got over my friend Lydia, I'm happy being single, I got accepted into TRIO, I declared my minor in music and will soon be declaring a major in theatre, got 4 A's and 1 B this semester AND AM CURRENTLY 2 PNTS AWAY FRM BEING A 3.0 which is my goal! Right now I have a lot going for me and I'm soo happy! :)

You're gunna miss this, and I know it because I will too

You know, life as beautiful as it is, it definitely has a sense of humor. It has a funny way of teaching you things and I think it's just unbelievable how one minute you have something and just as quickly as you got it, it's gone. And sometimes it feels like time takes forever, and other times you just wish you could freeze time. I've also come to realize that life is full of hello's and goodbyes. BUT! lol *chuckles* I think I've figured out why that is. Time takes forever to happen so you can better appreciate what you do have, and it makes you wanna freeze it so you can try engrave every sense and feeling into you're heart's memory so you don't ever forget. Lastly, life is full of goodbyes so you can make more hello's. Life is just bitter sweet, sometimes not so good things have to happen, so good things can. And then you realize when you really love someone, sometimes it hits you immediately and other times it takes awhile. But when you do realize it, you realize that even through the faults, the accidents, the bad, and the rough that you still see them in this beautiful light. You also realize that you will do what ever you can to make sure they are happy and stay that way, even if it means leaving you, sharing them with others and just letting them go when deep down you really don't want to. But isn't that the beauty of life? To Love. When I think about everyone I've loved and continue to love, I can't help but smile and fill with a feeling of joy.

As of right now, I am currently in the process of trying to get use to the idea that my best friend won't physically be here anymore ( which really makes me realize that we attach an unseen love to the physical). And while I've had to say more permanent goodbyes before, every goodbye has a different hurt to it. And this one hurts a lot, but I know I'm not the only one that feels this way, I'm not the only person in the world that's feeling this way right now. It makes me feel a little better knowing that, but that won't change the fact that there will be times where I'll cry about it, or smile at it, or even laugh to myself about it. And I think we feel this way, especially when we begin to miss someone,and it's because we don't want to be forgotten. However, when you really love someone like down to the core of your heart....you just can't forget someone, there will always be something. You may forget some things but there will always be something. And when you miss someone, you don't know how long you'll be missing them or sometimes how long you'll go without seeing them but this thing I know for sure

" I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or a week from now, a month from now, a year from now or even years from now. But what I do know is I love you today and I intend to love you forever"

- Me

So here's to everyone I've loved, and continue to love, but most importantly to my best friend. Things and life will change, some things will change because we make it change and other just cause that just how the cookie crumbles. And I may make another best friend, but no one will ever replace you. I hope you come back and we get to see each other soon. A lot will happen within the next 4 years, I just hope that as we become older, we travel more, learn more, love more, smile more and love every moment of it.

P.S. There's so many songs that came to mind when I thought of you leaving, but I think this song really expresses how I feel overall :) hope you like it and I know I'll miss this and miss you! :)