Mars in retrograde???

Today is just one of those days where you kind of wished you could have just stayed in bed sleeping or playing with your dsi. This morning didnt start out completely bad, it was ok. I woke up tired and feet still sore from last night's performance. I was in some bit of a time crunch cause I needed to get my things together for school and for a sleep over later at my friends house. I asked my brother to drop me off at school and of course he gave me shit. I get to school, went to practice and everything went fine. I went into my voice lessons still feeling the sleep in my eyes, but I came in with a mind set that said "I'm tired but I'm just going to sing the best I can and see what happens". My songs went pretty well, surprisingly since I was so tired...BUT then my duet partner came, which is no big deal cause I love her, but IDK I guess everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong. In an attempt to help me with my song, my voice teacher made some changes and OMG! it felt like they didnt help at all! You ever have one of those days where you spent like weeks and even the night before practicing something and you did it right the whole time, but then this time you go and do it and you just mess up...yea well that happened. Every attempt of singing the changed music just kept getting worse, and what made it even more discouraging was that my duet partner *whom even though, I LOVE TO DEATH! she's a couple years younger than me and college music wise, not as experienced as myself* was able to do it like nothing. At that point, I was singing at the full force of frustration and anger that I almost blew my voice out. YIKES! I think it became obvious to both my voice teacher *who told me she would not take an "I can't for an answer"* and my duet partner that I was getting really upset.Dito my poor duet partner took a couple steps from me and I can see something like a forced smile from my voice teacher as a way of just calming me down....I guess you don't wanna to see Hulk mad??? After that, my lesson had ended and I went into a practice room, to see if I could sing the new changes...but I could feel the frustration,anger and tears making my face red and hot. So I grabbed my things, plugged my headphones in my ears and tried jamming out to some Marc Anthony...no luck. I sat outside the Fine Arts building by the parking garage while trying to compose myself. Quite a few people walked past me, but I didn't want anyone seeing me cry, so I pulled my hood over my face and let the wind blow my hair around. Funny enough, a friend I use to write with in the magazine @ school walked past me and was like ..."Jackie?" She said that when she was coming down from the garage she saw me but didn't know it was me, but knew who ever it was sitting like that looked sad....ha, so much for hiding it right? I told her what happened and she of course told me to text her if I needed it...that was nice of her. I told her maybe I'd hit her up later. While this was all happening, I was texting a friend, whom so far has shown me he's pretty cool. This friend...he's seen tons of places, experienced so much, and has this discipline that most cannot say they've had but he's still there. :) It makes me happy :) He calmed me down a little bit, made me smile and reminded me of who I am and why....there he goes again. :) But he said something very interesting that I've never thought of he said "Me + positive thinking = Me taking over the world". It makes me tear up just thinking of it. Those are some really strong words and I think what really gets me is that it's so true. I'm not sure if this is something he knew already or learned while off in some exotic foreign land, but wherever it came from, I'm glad he said it. So the 2nd time around of singing the duet didn't go too bad. I was expecting worse. So it looks like it may happen...I'm hoping by Monday everything is fine...this weekend is just going to be a blur of music. Ugh BUT! like what 3 more weeks of school left? I'm geeked! Cause I wanna get my hair cut and styled, I want to take a fun singing class and dance class, re-arrange my room, go to the beach and tan, enjoy summer and maybe go to Florida and go to a baseball game. I'm in need of some serious "me" time. Ahhhhhh * sighs a happy sigh* I feel better! :) If you're reading this, I'm sorry I'm sucha yo-yo. My moods change just as fast as my ipod does on shuffle, but thank you for staying with me, being there for me, and just pushing through it with me. It means a lot to me :)

Final thoughts before i go to bed

After what feels like forever of rehearsing my show *the secret garden*, our show date is finally here.I am both excited and ready for it to be over.I have to admit,that at first i wasn't quite sure how the show would go,but I'm proud to say it looks great,I got close to some people and made new friends with others and just joked with others.through it all I was able to see and experience all the hard work that goes into a production.I know there was a lot more that i didn't see but I'm extremely appreciative to my director,conductor, choreographer, fellow cast,props and stage management, orchestra, dancers,tech crew and everyone else who made this show possible.and most of all,I'm proud of myself because there were quite a few times where i felt like i wanted to give up on everything,but i stuck with it....and now I'm here. This past semester has not been easy and I'm truly grateful for everyone who has given me their support throughout it all, it really keeps me going when I myself just feel unwilling to.but I like where things are at right now,I can't really complain,but i hope to make things better....I also want to say, that sometimes it takes someone who barely knows you to remind you of who you are,why you are and the light that you beam naturally. Night

One Day At A Time

I use to be really passive and just super chill about things...I wouldnt let even the smallest of things stress me out. But, somehow, thats changed and I worry about alot of things now....welcome to adulthood??? Anyway, this habit of worrying about things is a bad habit im trying to break. Thats not to say I wont ever worry about things....but for little things, theres no need to. Im trying to refocus my worrying on things that I think should be more important such as my physical and mental well being, my school work, my family and friends...everything else will fall into place. Im also realizing that, the more I tell guys what I want, the more they seem to just reinforce the idea of what I want and that right now, I'm so happy by myself. The bitter sweet to an exclusive relationship could really make things worse for me right now...I think. So for now, I think im going to take things in baby steps and just do ME! This change in lifestyle or maybe lack of, won't be easy and if you're reading this, then you really mean a lot to me. So please, I'm not sure at the moment how I'll need you and your help, but I will so please help out in what ever cause I will need it. Until that, I'm going to do my best to MAKE MYSELF HAPPY :)

Off to class :)

You Gotta Stay Fresh 2 DEF!

I was hoping that after the blog I wrote a couple days ago,that any blog afterwards would be on the brighter side....at least for a little while. And in thinking about life since that blog,I think things have gotten a little better,not the best but I'm trying. Any who, I guess an appropriate title for this blog would be "you gotta stay fresh to def!"- Pauly D. I say this because, I've noticed in my life, that one minute you could be the hottest ish to someone and then the next you're not, and someone else is the hot ish. I think that this is something one can experience at a young age, like a toddler all the way into to your senile age....or at least until you stop giving a damn. But as a kid, you notice this, but at the time i don't think you know what to call it, so i think maybe you would call it a show off....but as you get older that word changes into slut..lmao i kid I kid, no but for real, it's just the simple cycle of us human wanting the faster, quicker, most attractive things that we believe benefit us in some way or another. I'm no stranger to this cycle. Its like one minute, I go from being this amazing person that you can't get enough of, so we squeeze every minute out of the day to be together, and for awhile it goes strong. But then one day, I'm replaced by some other girl who may or may not be prettier than me, have a funnier laugh, who is smarter, whose sense of humor is different, who is closer, or willing to do what I won't. I went through that last night, this kid that I like, but I'm not in love with him...I just really like him as a person. But last night he was talking to a friend around the time he and I normally talk AND we normally call each other before one of us falls asleep, and he didn't call. Maybe I'm over analyzing, but idk I don't see how you stop doing that...hmmm makes you think ( sorry dad). Any who...before I fell asleep I told myself that I am great, funny, smart, beautiful, worth it, amazing and I'm not going to let anyone make me feel different because while I'm not the perfect girl, I'm me and thats the next BEST THING! :) So if you choose to stop being my friend or talking to me, well thats fine, it was nice knowing you....I'm on to do bigger and better things lol like find my BIKE! lol jp im not Pee Wee Herman

Born This Way

I only have 45 mins to write this out, and I'm going to try my best to. This semester has been a very trying one. There have been some good things and some bad things. At this point, with the semester coming close to an end, there's been a lot stressing me out, which has definitely affected my health. And today, I had a break down, I just couldn't help it. I felt the tears weld up in my eyes and I could feel the sickness of stress building up in my throat and tum belling in my stomach. At the time, I couldn't really think of who I could talk to that would help me calm down or tell me what to do. I ended up calling a friend who went through something similar and a very good friend that I've known for years who has always been there to make me smile. Both of them pretty much said that I was my biggest enemy, and it was all in my head. That the things I was worried about ( which at this point is music) was nothing to be worried about, that God wouldn't give me anything that I couldn't handle. And at the end of the day, if any one could do it, it would be me and I was not alone in this...I have the unconditional love of all my friends and family as well as their faith and support. They made me realize that I am capable of doing anything I want to and that I was born to perform, to sing, to be on stage. That alone is so comforting. I think as a young woman being an adult, I've felt that I should keep things in, good and bad, and just deal with it. However, today is clear evidence that I'm not alone and I don't have to be, and that its all a matter of the mind. I've always told people that if you want something, then you have to want it enough and believe in it and it will be...sometimes its hard to down some of your own medicine huh? But now that I've had this talk and I've thought about it, I feel soo invincible and proud. It's not promised that I will be flawless but I'm going TO BE THE BEST THAT I CAN BE AND IT WILL SHOW.


THANK YOU SOO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT, YOUR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, AND YOUR FAITH IN ME....IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS

I LOVE YOU

AND FINALLY TO MYSELF. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL,SMART, FUNNY, TALENTED,OUTGOING, CAPABLE, STRONG,A GREAT FRIEND, LOVABLE, HUGGABLE AND LOVED!!! YOU WERE BORN TO SING, TO ACT, TO PERFORM, TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH, TO LEAD, TO TEACH AND TO BE REMEMBERED. SO DON'T EVER SELL YOURSELF SHORT. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT TO, ITS JUST A MATTER OF DOING IT AND WANTING IT ENOUGH TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT. :) YOU WILL DO JUST FINE IN ANYTHING YOU DO! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF BECAUSE IT STARTS WITH YOU!

And Meet Me In My Boudoir...Make My Body Say Ah Ah Ah

I'm not sure how else to say this, but I'll just begin where ever my mind allows me to. So, I am now 21 years old, and in my few years of talking to heterosexual men, there has been this overwhelming sense of importance placed on the physical aspects of things...more so the female body. To this very day, I think it almost sickens me that for a guy to like me, he has to be attracted to my body, my thighs, my boobs or ass. And then it turns into..."oh ma, I love to do THIS and I LOVE TO DO THAT! AND OMG I LOVE IT WHEN A GIRL DOES THIS TO ME!" I'm just sitting here like WTF?! didn't I just get done telling you I DON'T WANT ANYTHING SEXUAL? I just want to take my time to get to know you? Idk if I'm like the only girl going through this right now, but I just feel like I have the rest of my life to have sex...so WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE NOW AT THIS VERY MOMENT?! Why do you talk to me like I have to bend to your will? What's so wrong with just getting to know someone? And now this physical is getting to the point where the thought of sex, really turns me off, really makes me sick. When I think of how some men talk to women, how some men talk to me....it makes me feel person-less, like an object...a little plaything. It's a really ugly feeling, it feels dark and lonely, big, blank, and spacious but in a bad way...I guess maybe you could call it isolated. And sometimes, I feel like I want to show a man how he makes me feel when I feel that way. How it feels to feel like an object, a pretty little plaything...only good for one thing. I feel like I want to hurt them, do what ever they think about doing to me to them. I watched a movie in my Ethics class called "Death & the Maiden" and in the movie Paulina says something along the lines of "I wanted to rape him, but a woman can't rape a man like a man can". Which I believe is very true. While some people can say a woman can force a man into sex, it's true but there's something different when you're a woman. I think what it is, being a woman, obviously we have vaginas and a man has to put himself into us for intercourse. There's just a sense of letting someone in. Like not only is genital sex a way of getting into the female body, but there's something else to it that goes beyond the physical. Maybe I'm weird but, its almost as if we are letting you into our inner selfs, physically and emotionally. And when there is a feeling of force whether it's just pressuring someone to do something or think something, or physically pressuring them, its not a good feeling. And because at the moment I'm taken with the idea of showing them( guys) how it feels to be pressured, to be forced, to appeal in only the physical, it heightens my curiosity in S&M.

S&M is something I had never heard of until I heard Rihanna's new song "S&M". S&M means sadism & masochism. Sadism is named after Marquis de Sade (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marquis_de_Sade) which is the pleasure of inflicting pain or suffering upon someone else and Masochism is the pleasure of inflicting pain or suffering upon yourself or from someone else...they both cycle each other. There is just something about the whole idea of S&M that really makes me curious. I guess my curiosity has something to do with feeling pressure or force from heterosexual men in physical and sexual ways. So with that said I think I'm going to read Marquis de Sade's "The Crimes of Love". I've read novels and pdfs about sexual violence/rape but this is on a whole other level. I'm not sure if I'll be able to mentally stomach the things I'll read but I will try, and I just might write about it.

So here's to all you "men" who make me feel person-less, who make me feel pressured, who make me feel this ugly feeling

Precious

I wrote this paper for my ethics class, I titled it "Precious"....

As hot tears stream down her cheeks, Precious sobbingly exclaims, “Nobody loves me!” Ms. Rain’s gentle eyes weld up with tears of compassion as she looks up at Precious and says, “People do love you Precious.” Through her hysterical sobs Precious says “Please don’t lie to me, Ms. Rain! Love ain’t done nothing for me but beat me….rape me…call me an animal! Make me feel worthless! Make me sick!” Given that violence is a forcible physical, emotional and verbal harm/abuse from one party to hurt another; Precious’s hatred for love and loving herself is a clear case that teaching someone to hate themselves is an act of violence. It is an act of violence because it negatively affects one’s mental well being as well as physical.

Growing up, I was often bullied and teased about my weight. Whether it was passed as a crumpled up note through class, chanted on the playground or constantly ringing through my ears on the bus ride home, it was always there. Of course, my mom would always say “sticks and stones can break your bones but words will never hurt you”, but I’m not sure if she also knew that “the tongue is like a sharp knife, it kills without drawing blood”. It was because of those nasty taunts that I went from a happy, relatively skinny kid to a chubby, self-conscious 9 year old. This constant reinforcement told me I wasn’t good enough and that I wasn’t pretty, and after hearing it for so many years, I couldn’t help but give into that negative thought. By the age of thirteen, I would look at myself in the mirror, and even though I wouldn’t physically cry, I could feel the sadness working up in my throat. I would change stances and think, this can’t be me…I don’t act like how I look. I would begin to wonder why I had this body if it didn’t fit me. All those years of taunting had sunk in and made me question myself, and even made me write about it… “ My pretty face is a waste ‘cause it’s stricken with hate for the aggression that’s on my plate, can’t turn it around, can’t switch up this frown, give me the crown that fits Queen of Down”. They made me hate the way I looked, and as innocent as a child’s taunting is, it was a nonetheless a violence.

While violence can affect one’s mental well being, the relationship between a mental well being and violence can directly affect someone’s physical being…it definitely affected mine. Prior to going into high school, the teasing hadn’t ceased, but it wasn’t as constant as it was a couple years before. However, once I got to high school, the big issue around my weight took a different form. I remember there was this one boy in my world studies class, who just looked simply handsome at 14 years old. There were days where I wouldn’t even pay attention to the teacher, I would just sit there and admire him from two rows across. The homecoming game and dance was within the next couple of weeks and I really wanted to go with him. So after class, I mustered up just enough courage to walk up to him and ask him to be my date. My palms were sweaty, my head throbbed and I felt all these pin like tinglings all over my body just to be laughed at and told “uhhh, I’m not into discovery channel…sorry Hippo”. At that very minute I wanted to cry and just die. A guy I really liked had embarrassed me in front of the whole class and myself. From that point on I was determined to become the skinny girl he would have always wanted but would never have. I was working out 3 hours a day every day and deprived myself of any carbs or sugars. At the age of 15, I had gone from weighing 180 lbs to 130 lbs in 3 months. While the change in weight didn’t look to bad for being 5’6, inside I was sick. The thought of food made me nauseous, smelling it made me dizzy, therefore making actual consumption very small in proportion. I had drastically changed my physical self and made myself sick at the same time. It was a bloodless violence I had committed to myself.

One may say that in order to commit violence, there has to be a physical in which there is blood spill or some type of physical marking, but why is it only a physical? Why can’t violence be in the form of a physical, emotional and or verbal harm/abuse, done to intentionally hurt someone else? Why can’t teaching someone to hate themselves be seen as violent, even if that way of hatred affects the mental and physical well being of someone. Isn’t crushing someone’s soul just as bad as crushing their head?