Just one of those things

I was watching a favorite TV show of mine, and one of the characters said "this must be why life comes before love in the dictionary."

 How true is that? Isn't it? Time doesn't stop ticking and the world doesn't stop spinning just because your heart feels like it does. Everything just keeps going. Now, whether or not those love feelings stay as is or grow into something more...well that's up to fate.

 But it's this cycle of learning to just love in the moment and let go, it's what keeps us going...at least that's how I see it. I'm not up there in age,and yea I don't have 50+ years of life experience, but I think every life experience counts. Therefore I believe it's not difficult to love someone, it's falling in love with someone and being in love with them that can send you for a doozy.

 So I guess this is more for me than anyone else. I mean, if he knew...that would be cool, but I doubt it would make a difference in his mind, as his mind is already made up. So this is my way of slowly letting go, and trying to refocus my attention and energies solely on me,my goals and my priorities. I suppose I will always be that beautiful melody line, and I will always have a certain memory associated with my name. But I realize I'm more than just a heartfelt lullaby that you string onto your mind's clothes line.

I don't want to be remembered or treated as that purple stripped shirt you picked up and forgot to give back, or as a 2 hour time difference drive away, or as that neon wristband that lost it's glow, or as the ink on the receipt that faded away. I want to be something more special than that, and at the moment, the only one who understands and sees that is me.

You ask all the time why I have to be that cold, and its because I'm human! If I don't prepare myself for what can happen, then I'm stuck with could haves, should haves, would haves.

 So that's it, do you understand? What does it matter, you can't hear this, your eyes will just skim over it, and your mouth will still tell me the things I wish you felt instead of just said.

I remember quite a few times you tested me, to see if I'd really do the things I said I wouldn't. I did...and I felt bad for doing them. But this time around...it's just for me. I will do what I always do, which is ball this all up. Think of how far I'll throw this and forget that I left it somewhere in the cold intersection of 42 and -87.

It was just one of those things, just one of those crazy flings, one of those bells that now and then ring. just one of those things

Simplemente Feliz

I am proud to say that I have enjoyed 22 years of life,and will be going on 23. I've been to many places, experienced many things, accomplished many things, failed at many things...but it can simply summed up as I've been living and loving. I've met some amazing people and beautiful relationships have bloomed. But I truly believe that I have found someone who loves me just as I am and makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. The happy they make me feel is unlike any other happy I've experienced. It's just amazing. So I decided to write That smile, that look Your kiss, your embrace has me hooked That touch, that love your voice, your laugh satisfies me to the point where it's not enough I couldn't have told you 2 years ago that we'd be here today I couldn't have told you that at this very moment we'd feel this way How we did it, I'm not even sure but however we did it has me unbelievably happy that I don't want a cure You buffer out my rough edges and keep my affection jumping off ledges you see a beauty in me that I don't always see you have made yourself so much a part of me Simply happy even though I know we are miles apart Regardless of the distance we share pieces of each others' heart Simple happy because I know

Lover boy, you're the one!

Wow, it's been a while since I last blogged ( due to articles and papers, it has slowed down my blogging). However I am here on a very happy note. So there is this one guy, who I met earlier this year, but I didn't think much of him. Yeah he was and still is GAWGEOUS, but at the time my mind wasn't focused on his shinning ray of amazingly attractive man. I saw him later promoting an interest of his, and he ended up signing up for an interest of mine. Of course I didn't expect to see him much after that, but he surprised me. After being around him and working with him ( to some extent), I've come to realize he's very charming, nice, intelligent, passionate, respectful, mindful, and talkative/ articulate when he wants to be. Aside from all that, he has the body of a Greek God (Yummy!) :) And such a handsome face, which at times can cause me to glaze over lol. However, this guy really does fascinate me. He's pretty quiet, but when he's talking about something that interests him, he's like a really good book. And I believe it's because of his nature of being quiet...I just have a bazillion questions for him. That and the fact that the few interests I do know of him ( so far) are soo different from any one I know. I'm not sure what will become of this, but for now this is all very interesting to me and I'm ok with just going with the flow :)


So for now..."baby, oh baby, my sweet baby, you're the one!" :D

I only miss you when I'm breathing

I just wonder, is it me you're missing? Is it me you're thinking of? To be honest I can't tell. Your actions and lips tell me one thing but everything else seems to say otherwise. True, you are not mine and I am not yours, but I hope you take us more seriously than just a few good times. I hate that I have to busy myself so I don't think of you or if you're thinking of me too. I hate that I am unsure, and I hate that I think there is someone else. But what else can I do other then to just play it cool, like I don't care and its not that big of a deal. I know I put on a tough exterior but on the inside I am everything but tough and to think that our time might have been repeated with someone else in the same way, it breaks my heart. I feel like when I'm with you, I forget the "bad" feelings and I am in an unbearable submission that bends to you and your body. I need to get it together, I need to remember what I'm suppose to be doing and that this is merely pretty distraction for in between times...something like the good part of a dream in between nights of vivid-less nights of dreams. But fml I only miss you when I'm breathing.

Virus Research and Accessibility + Scientifical Morality ???

This week's essay set dealt with a very interesting topic that seemed to all relate back to biology. Fortunately I didn't need to review old high school notes to understand the matter. In Dr. Caplan's article "Should scientists create deadly viruses? Yes, says bioethicist," he raises quite a few thought provoking questions. He asks, should scientists study and create such viruses that can be dangerous and who gets to know about these viruses? These questions involve and provoke many personal opinions, but in the end Caplan believes that yes there should be scientists who study and create such viruses in order to understand the virus and its complexity as well as coming up with a cure to it. Caplan also argues that as far as who gets to work with/know about such projects, knowledge of such projects should be censored and restricted to the scientists and experts involved in the area of matter until they deem it is necessary to share with the public.

The next article was "Evolutionary biology and neuroscience are adding to our understanding of historically unscientific area," written by Patrick Tucker. In Tucker's article, he opens up this idea of morality, and that it's not just something we've adopted from our personal religions, but rather it is a "decision-making process" that they have pretty much got down to a science...literally. Trucker uses the analogy that our brain is much like a computer; that the means by which we understand right from wrong is our moral grammar(codes) and all those codes go to our moral hardware (the brain). Tucker also brings up the point that while we may never actually get to see morality on the screens in laboratories, it can be measured using the MEG and the data it produces may help to understand our morality scientifically.

Overall, I really enjoyed this week's essay set. Both articles seemed interesting and made me question myself on how I would answer the questions/points being raised in the articles. Even though I really liked the idea of our morality being a scientifical decision making process, how we have a moral grammar and that our brain is in fact the moral hardware;I didn't find it as interesting as Dr. Caplan's article. While I don't think scientists should just be standing around in a lab trying to birth a new plague, I do think trying to re-create a virus that currently has no cure yet is a valid effort.Seriously, have you seen Contagion? No but all jokes aside, I recently read an article that with the help of gamers, scientists were able to reconstruct a 3D model of a protein that enables the AIDS virus to multiply . By reconstructing this model, scientists are better abled to understand where to target this protein to enable the multiplication of AIDS in the cells. Tucker's article then brought up the question on who should have access/knowledge of such projects and censorship. I don't think scientists/ experts should have total access/knowledge of such things, but I don't think the government should either. I think they both need to know and share information as a means of checks and balances. However, I would expect that since the scientists/experts will be working on such projects, they out of everyone should be more knowledgeable about what ever it is they are working on. Isn't it interesting that Caplan's article questions our morality on virus research and accessibility, and yet Tucker wrote about it.


Here are the links if you'd like to read it, very interesting.

Dr. Caplan's article : http://vitals.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/27/9748055-should-scientists-create-deadly-viruses-yes-says-bioethicist

Patrick Tucker's article: http://www.wfs.org/Jan-Feb%2009/MoralBrain1.htm


ALSO!

Article to Gamers help cure aids article : http://www.geekologie.com/2011/09/gamers-now-with-more-helping-cure-aids.php

AND! Trailer to Contagion

Jars of Hearts

Sometimes we need to take a few moments to be sad, and just really lose ourselves in crying, grieving and heavy breathing. Once that's done, then it's not as bad any more. However, every now and then those sad moments come back again. And every time it comes back, sometimes its easier to get over and other times it not. But no matter what, I think it will somehow always hurt, not matter if its a day, week, months, years later...its the memory associated with it. I took a look into the past, not mine, but someone else's (Hueso's) and while yes, Hueso isn't the monster our society paints em out to be...that's just the association and social baggage. Looking back, I see a different person, someone who was being careless and taking everything for granted..their health, their well being, their freedom, their friends, their family, their future, their job. And who would have thought that one tiny tiny thing can domino effect on everything and everyone in their world. I have to admit, prior to all of this, not even I thought that far into it. But now I do...I have to, I need to and I want to. It makes me sad to see how Hueso use to be, to how many people Hueso left behind, and how life just kind of left Hueso behind.

Thinking about all of this has made me wonder about forgiveness. I was watching a movie and they said that forgiveness wasn't for the other person, but for you. Because staying mad, sad and upset is what enables you to be happy and to move on...therefore you end up in the same place you started in. I thought about it and in life its sooooooo easy to blame the other person...but not everything is conveniently unbalanced for that. There are situations where things are 50/50. So then I wonder...yes I still love Hueso with every heart beat in me, and I miss Hueso with every thing that is me, and I will always always care about Hueso...but did I forgive Hueso? I suppose not because the whole situation still makes me sad,upset and mad. But then I think of Dolosa, I don't know anything about Dolosa other than the fact that Dolosa was there, participated and willing. I tried looking Dolosa up to better figure out who Dolosa is and possibly Dolosa's motives but I just can't. Other than the obvious, I just don't see any repercussions on the other end, I don't see any gray. I suppose maybe that's why I can't forgive yet...I don't see fairness, I don't see how Dolosa is suffering/learning from it all. And sadly, things that happened between Hueso and Dolosa happen all the time and the law is just so stuck up on being black on white that it's vague, it's broad, open ended, and interpretive...leaving no room for gray, specificity, narrowing, close ended and factual.

I hope I can find a way to forgive fully, so I can fully move on.Until then...

Realizing Some Things

A couple weeks ago, a real handsome guy hit me up, and he seemed to fit my personality. Although I'm not trying to rush anything, I just don't see how you can talk and talk to some one and then all of a sudden disappear. The way I see it, the least you can do is let me know now isn't good time to talk or I guess pursue a friendship with a female. I'm not dumb, lol I can clearly see you're talking to someone. I guess my problem is, why do I have to walk 5 blocks, hop over a river, jump from tree to tree and then some just to figure this all out. But neh, life wouldn't be life if it was easy right? Hmm I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I have a lot going for me. My head and heart are in the right place, and yet I just can't seem to find a guy to just be my friend, and accept me and respect me for that. And most importantly to just love me for the person that I am. *smh* I guess there just isn't a guy out there right now that understands this. Well at least not one that isn't already related to me lol. O well, live and learn and succeed. I am confident that I will find the guy friend I want soon enough, just going to focus on me, my family and my responsibilities. :)
Night

Fire + Rain = Steam

It's been awhile since I've written a poem, but here it is

Fire + Rain = Steam


Setting fire to the rain
Because I can’t take the pain
The pain that engulfs my heart
It’s the pain I feel when we’re apart
I know I know I shouldn’t let it show
I realize I realize that the tears will weld up in my eyes
But I cant help myself in this moment of heart ache
Because I can feel the heartbeat of destiny in our fate
It has your eyes, your lips, and your smile
It has your warm touch that lingers for awhile
It has your voice that echos sweetly in my memory
Please don’t let my attempts to love you fail in vain
Please don’t leave me standing in violet rain
I know when something is right for me
And right now that right is you
But the closest I get to you is always at least one word away
Always an and…
So I set fire to the rain because I just can’t take the pain
Exhausting my mind beyond it limits, while I exhaust my energy to nothingness
O sweet ignorance….how beautiful is this
I loved you because never once in my thousand in one nights of dreams did I dream of you
You came from a path traveled from a far when I thought love was thru
Suddenly I felt myself in quick and lofty flight as we talked through the night
And how beautiful you seemed way up there far from my always idiot heart
Like a lost bird, I let you rest in my precious part
Only to realize you would fly off again right after dawn
Damn loving love songs
I hoped you’d be not like the romantic one, who in love set me on fire
But I guess everything in life can expire
So I set fire to the rain because a bleeding heart is an unwashable stain.

Letter 2 to Frankie

Hey Frankie! How are you? I hope you are doing well and smiling. I just got in from hanging out with Victor and a cousin, who I already forgot her name....but she was such a sweet heart! I don't know if you know, but I simply love your family! They are so loving, sweet, kind and full of life :) It's amazing! I wish I spent more time with them, but it's hard when school and work keep you so busy...I guess I'm living too fast huh? :P I promise though, that I stop to smell the roses and appreciate them. As for Victor, he came back home and is going to school in Oakton. He and Nikki are still together and doing just fine. I'm happy for them, I love Victor and I love her...I really hope they last. I had a really long talk with Victor about you and about my brother. You know it's funny, sometimes words just don't fully embody our feelings and sometimes when it does, it just seems sooo surreal. Sometimes, I feel like I've known you forever and that I just seen your smile the other day. That feeling comes to me soo...whats the word? welcomingly familiar because of the way your friends and family talk about you. You are an amazing man, sooo inspiring, soo funny ( yes I know about the microwave lol), so smart and knowledgeable, so handsome, polite and thoughtful. I really wish we had talked and I got to know you, but we are talking now right? That's what matters. I just wanted to say hi, and wish you well and remind you of how amazing you are. Going to bed now, night :)

ps. If you could please watch over N.T.N and help to keep him on track, I would appreciate it so much! :) And I know he would too. Thanks!

Mad, Mad, Mad World

Before I go to bed, I just felt like I needed to blog this. Since the incarceration of someone really dear to me, I've noticed there a lot of trouble youths out there. Every day it seems that everyday, there is a youth being arrested and sentenced. Our county jails and prisons are becoming overpopulated with incarcerated youths. Now, I'm not saying that everyone in jail or prison deserves whatever they are dealing with, nor am I taking any sides. The last 8 months of my life have shown me that there are many sides to a story and it's normally not just 1 individual's fault.
Any who, I saw an article that featured a high school friend who stopped a robbery at a train station.

Ahhhh, Good ol' New Year

Happy New Year Blog! :) I was very tempted to vent out my recent frustrations on you the other day, but so many of my blogs have been dedicated to it, that I decided not to, and to just work it off. Which at first was a little hard to do with all the emotions I was feeling, but music has always and will always make me feel better. Any who, today is better and I'm excited for the new year. 2011 was a mix of ups and downs, goods and bads. I can honestly say that the goods I experienced where a direct result of my hard work, dedication and determination. :) So yay me! :) But I've noticed even years ( 06,08,10, and now 12) have all been good years to me, soooo I'm hoping that it keeps this trend lol It's funny because I just ate a fortune cookie a few hours ago, and normally I get all this coocky messages that I never understand, and then I start wondering what was this Chinese man on when he wrote this and stuffed it into a cookie?! lol Anyways thats besides the point. I opened the cookie, ate half and opened up the little message. Of course I was expecting some random Kung-Fu Panda message that only Master Shifu would understand, but my cookie actually

Every Song Reminds Me Of You

Dear Brother,

It seems like time has passed us by because it is now winter and I can't remember the last time I hugged you. However, what time doesn't know is, while yes it has passed us, we have become strong since. You and I have something that I didn't know would be here so soon. I knew it would come, but I just didn't know when. While I am glad its here, I am also a little sad to know you and I aren't together to celebrate it. By "it" I mean our brother/sister relationship.However, I do know that as a family, we are still in the thick of the storm. It's not as thick now as it has been, but as each day passes, the storm thins out and I just know that one day it won't be able to thin out any more because it will be gone. And when that day happens, the sun will shine and you will be home again. As I said before, it hurts to know there are days spent without you, but everyday without you, is one more day closer to being with you.

You know it's funny, there's a saying I've heard so many times as I was a teenager, but I never really understood it until now. Throughout the years, I use to think of which side I stood and which side was better. Many people who had come to their own understanding of the saying would tell me that their side was better.I use to go back and forth on it, but I think I've finally picked a side. The saying is " Some see the glass as half full or half empty." I think I am one that sees the glass as half full, and I am content with that. For me, to hear something is half empty, it just sounds bad to me, as a loss. But with something half full, there's something positive about it, something to gain. So I see all of this as a learning experience, a personal reason to educate others, as a reminder to live our lives with more awareness, and to just educate ourselves on as much as we can on whatever.Therefore making the glass half full. I suppose that its just the optimistic nature in me, but if one where to let negativity consume their mind, then what kind of life would that be?

I have to admit, since the first night without you, I've had you picture as my screen saver, and it has not changed since. And to tell you the truth, I don't get tired of looking at your face and your smile every time I turn on my screen name or log myself off. Your picture reminds me of a day that had a good ending, a day I will never forget. Of course mom and I got into an argument that day, I realized that from here on out, everything I did got me to where I was, which was walking across that stage to get my high school diploma. High school wasn't easy that's for sure, well looking back on the work, it was. But the growing up that comes with high school wasn't. I felt so proud though, I raised my hand in the air and I knew this was just the beginning of my life. I graduated with friends and I spent the day with my family, people who love me not matter what mistake I've made. And that brings me to my next point.

No matter what mistake you have made in life, your family loves you more than anything. While we hope that you will listen to our warnings and to what we say, we know that may not always be the case all the time. But I do hope that considering what's going on, you really do consider what you will do and just really analyze everything before you act and make the right choice. You are a lot smarter than you think yourself to be and a lot stronger too! So don't forget that.

I also wanted to say, when I look at you, I see a different person. Someone who has learned from their mistakes and is humbled by them. I see a young man so full of ambition, love and aspiration. You have done a complete turn about my love, and I AM PROUD OF YOU! I can see only good and amazing things to come from you, so please keep your head up little brother!

Lastly, I want to leave you with a status I put on my fb

"I just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY LITTLE BROTHER! :) You're not so little anymore, because in all actuality, you are taller and stronger than me. however you will always be my little brother. I just want you to know that even through all of our fights and arguments, even when you scare me and I dislike that, I wouldn't ask for another brother.I miss you and love you terribly. I hope God blesses you with the wisdom, understanding, strength, perseverance, and better health you may not have had last year. That you realize your family and friends love you so very much and you are awesome. Happy birthday and love you so much, your sister! ♥ Happy 21st braazsha!"


Love Always,

Your Sister

Life just happens...

You know, social networking sites are amazing! Who'd know you'd find your classmates from grammar school, you high school crush, a family member you haven't seen in years or even someone you work with. What all of these people have in common is that they all have some sort of relationship to you; friend, sweethearts, family, co worker etc. And the other day, I added some friends from grammar school, talked to some friends from high school, some friends from college and seen pics from family members I only see once a year and it made me realize that life just happens. I know people who are married or getting married, who have kids now or are expecting, people who have died, people who live in some other city of the world, people who have occupations I would have never guessed they would have, and some people who I just don't see anymore. And while life has changed my ability to talk and see these people, that doesn't stop me from missing them and thinking of them. I've come to realize that life just happens, most of the time we don't plan for what does happen, it just happens. But we adjust and continue living. There's people who are in different situations than I am in and it makes me appreciative of where I'm at in my life, good and bad. I just want life to know that I know she will throw me a curve ball when I'm least expecting, but I know I am a strong enough person to adjust to the curve ball and keep moving. So while I may not like all the changes life will put me through, I think I can honestly say, that's fine.

Just some food for thought

Thanks giving, always a nice way to say thank you!

Lately life hasn't been feeling very festive like it normally does, and I think it has to do with 1) I'm not a kid anymore and that holiday excitement has lost that luster and 2)well the obvious, that there are some people in my life that I am not with anymore. But that 2nd reason is the exact reason to why I am so thankful. I realize that a year ago, I had a lot in my life that I took for granted. I had a best friend that while I spent almost every waking moment with, it never occurred to me that one day I may not have that. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy our awesome friendship or make a bunch of memorable memories with her, CAUSE I DID! I guess I just thought that this day where it wouldn't be her and I wouldn't come and certainly not so fast. I miss her everyday and even though we don't talk as often as we did, and I haven't seen her in like half a year, I LOVE HER LIKE SHE WAS JUST A BUS RIDE AWAY :) But now that I'm not spending a thanksgiving with her, it makes me a little sad, but it makes me appreciate the time that I did spend with her and the awesome memories, pictures and videos I have of us together.

Next there's my brother who, once we both became teenagers, we kind of went out our separate ways. Thinking back to a year ago, my brother and I would eat so much at thanksgiving, and of course he would finish before me. But because I blocked his way out of his seat, he had to wait for me to finish. Then I would clear my place and head upstairs to fall asleep to Jeff Dunahm's Christmas, hog the remote, and take over the sofa. *laughs to myself* I wouldn't share the sofa, I'd tell him to sit in the chair or on the floor, but then when my back began to hurt, I'd roll on the floor and he'd be there to quickly take my spot on the sofa. We would often bicker about what to watch on TV and idk, I always seemed to win that one, but we would switch off on channels. Eventually mom would come upstairs, find us still like fat slugs digesting our food, and she'd tell us to come downstairs for dessert. Then there was always X-mas shopping. Of course my brother and I would bicker about who was going to wait in the warm car first. At the end of the whole thanksgiving festivities, I'd be frustrated from the crowds, and still fat from the food , and like I'd want my space from my family for a couple hours, but I wouldn't change a single thanksgiving that has passed. I wouldn't take back the bickering, the arguments, the headaches, the laughs, the memories, the jokes or anything because those are the things that makes my thanksgivings so memorable. I obviously can't be with my brother this year, but that doesn't mean I don't think of him every minute of the day, that I don't miss him, or stop loving him. In reality, I think of him every second my mind is free to think, I miss him and love him as much as I possibly can in respect to our situation. I just want him to know that I look forward to thanksgivings with him again soon and that I love him very much!

So I says to the guy....

Now maybe I'm being a bitch because plans that I had made a week ago with someone...well they went astray *fuck you today*. Maybe I'm just frustrated that the one day I have free, I'm not doing anything or have anything to do. Or the one day I have free, no one is hitting me up like they normally are when I'm busy. Or maybe I'm just being a face ass cause it seems as though like a good mmmm 100% of the guys who don't know me or aren't my friends ARE SO FUCKIN NARROW MINDED AND HORNY SLOBS!

I get it, (1) your girlfriend caught you at the club motor boating some drunk *white girl wasted* chick, (2) your girlfriend came home and found you watching gay porn and your excuse was that there was one girl in there at first (3) or you girlfriend just realized you're an asshole AND FOR ONE OR ALL OF THOSE REASONS, SHE LEFT YOUR ASS! So because she left you, your left with a case of Papa Smirf Blue Balls *It's a legit diagnosis, look it up ;) * Therefore making you incapable of thinking with one of the most vital organs in your body....you BRAIN!

So I'm on one of my social networking sites, and its far more stranger danger than any other website I've been to. Like seriously, ANYONE ON THAT THING CAN FIND YOU AND HIT YOU UP! *Home Alone screams*





Guy # 1 on 10/23/11

So this guy hits me up with an IM, and I decide to check out his page before I say hi. Based on what he wrote about himself on his page, he seemed like a nice guy; smart, in school, sociable, fun, doing things with his life...and he had a real nice smile. So I responded back with a text friendly Hi. So we start talking, after the essential question of ASL, he then asked me if I was Puerto Rican. My response was, what does it matter, he then told me because Puerto Rican girls normally have big butts and he likes that. I just roll my eyes and ignore his question and tell him that big booties are a stereotype. Not every woman has an ass you can put a cup on like memory foam on a bed. He just laughs.....of course he does.Face ass. So the more he tries to get an answer at me, the more my remarks become snippier. He then asked me the stupid "F" questions, "So are you a freak ma?" OMG! I can't tell you how much I hate that stupid question....WTF! So I tell him I'm not a freak at all, I am actually the best worst turn off ever and I'm not the "big booty rican" he's looking for. He jokes and says that it doesn't matter, yet hes still hinting big booty jokes? WTF?! After awhile I become frustrated and I tell him that looks come and go, how you look now may not be what you look like 10 years from now. He tells me he knows, but I don't think he really understands. So I tell him that what I want is a guy to notice me and be interested in me because I can hold a good conversation, I am a knowledgeable and good person, my talents, because I enjoy the simple things in life, I understand and value family, I love to travel, I often quote movies, I love comedies, my accomplishments....stuff like that. I don't want to be noticed because I look like a good time in your bed. After I said that HE HAD NOTHING TO SAY! Of course I was sooo pissed off that I finally ended the conversation by asking
"Can you please keep talking to me like a piece of ass, so I can keep being a sarcastic bitch towards you.....YOU'RE HELPING ME WRITE! :D"

I got no response lol

Guy # 2 10/24/11

Head Over Heels and Hopeful

If you remember for a couple blogs ago, I wrote about a guy that I had been recently crushing on. And I am currently still very much crushing on him. Yesterday was his birthday and while I didn't get to wish him a happy birthday in person, I texted him a happy bithday wish and sang him happy birthday. At the end of the day, he called me and told me about his wonderful day. Idk if it was the candy corn that I ate earlier that day or if it was because I was sooo happy to talk to him ( which I am when ever I talk to him). He told me about his bday day and I WAS SOO HAPPY TO HEAR HOW HIS DAY WENT, which was good! We kept talking about random things, life, girls, school, sex...just everything. We got to this point in our conversation where it got real deep for me, and I told him some real personal stuff. We had quite a few laughs and before he had to go, I decided, TELL HIM! It was definitely hard for me to tell him, my heart was racing, it was a lil hard for me to catch a breath,but I finally told him. He told me he was extremely flatted and I could hear his smile over the phone.I told him that I didnt want him to feel weird or anything but I wanted to know I liked him. Ugh I'm feeling so much. I just really hope that what ever happens its for the better! :) Until then...I guess im just head over heels

Truthfully Stressed Out

It is 9:40am Monday Morning...and while I should be getting ready, I felt like I just had to blog. I am so overwhelmed! I've had a family situation since May, which is just not letting go and the thought of it seems to bounce in my mind every now and then, but when I don't think about it, I know it's still there. I've told some teachers about it and they kind of give me this little pat on the back and say "we all have problems, sorry you're going through a tough one, but just kind of get over it". Well they may not say that exactly like that, but it comes across to me that way, and after hearing that I kind of feel bad for letting those thoughts take over me. So I began to really focus on myself, and prioritize my time better, and plan things out,keep myself busy. And while I love the feeling of accomplishment and just being able to say I did it, I realize I'm leaving no time for my physical and mental well being. I already dropped my big ensemble class in order to give time to my family situation, and I decided to keep my private lessons, you know as something for me. But at the time, I just feel like it's too much, I make time to dedicate to my singing for class, but it just doesn't feel like it's enough. And I feel like when I go to class, I am wasting my teacher's time because I'm not as prepared as she needs me to be and I'm a little disappointed in myself because of that, but I know that my time wasn't used in vain. Given everything that's going on, everything I'm trying to manage, I'm doing the best I can. So today I think I'm going to tell my teacher, I'm sorry but this is just a bad time for me, and I really need to focus on other things, but thank you for your support. I am going to use today for me and just relax....I need it.

Excited to relax

p.s. I am not super religious, but I do believe in God, a power beyond me. I know you would not give me anything that I couldn't handle and I am doing my best to stay strong and positive, but I feel like I can't do this on my own. Please give me the patience, understanding, strength and right guidance to keep myself healthy mentally and physically, as well as my family and friends. Thank You

Idk why but :)

I am ridiculously tired, but idk, I just can't help myself. I HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT IT! :) I have been single for about 2ish years. I've talked to some guys in between then, but nothing to serious. 2 years being single has made me a little lonely, and I realized that while I have friends who are back and forth happy and upset in their relationships, I have some friends that are truly happy in their relationships. When I see them I just smile, wish them a life time of happiness and hope that I can be that way soon. I realized that for me to get that, I just need a friend first. Someone I can be myself around, who will respect me, my thoughts and dreams, someone who is honest, has a sense of humor, truthful, sweet and good natured, and someone who I can just call up and be like "hey do you wanna go do something right now" and not have it be sexual. We could just genuinely enjoy each other's company and laugh :) I realized that when you just tell someone you like them and don't take the time to get to know them, things are rushed, feelings developed, feelings are hurt and relationships don't last...usually. However, I think I finally found someone who fits what I want :) YAY! I've been around this guy for awhile, but just recently started talking to him. It started off with silly jokes about work, then eventually we talked about going out dancing and just enjoying ourselves, nothing was set in stone though. Eventually I asked him for his #, we didn't text immediately, but I still had his number. Then a few weeks ago, I just didn't see him, he saw me a week ago and was like "OMG WHERE HAVE U BEEN?!" After having something short of a reunion, we started texting, then before I knew it, we were texting throughout the night, talking on the phone for awhile, and having meaningful conversations. Through taking to him, I began to like him. I mean don't get me wrong, the kid is real good looking. and omg I LOVE HIS SMILE! it's so adorable! He has a man's body, I can tell, he has the kind of body that you know can protect and is strong, but at the same time, loving. His voice is deep but its pleasing to my ear. There's just so many little things about him that make this greater picture and I just ADORE IT! :) He's a little younger than me, which right from the start, I thought would take away any chances of me liking him in such a way. But! He has a plan, he has ideas, he's outgoing, he knows how he wants to get where he wants to be and I admire that so much in him, especially for his age...which is only a few years younger than me.

I guess I have a little crush on him and I'm just overly happy with everything about him and about us :) He's such a sweetheart and so funny. Aye I can't just let this go. It's been awhile since I've felt this way about anybody and idk I guess I have a belly full of butterflies. When I think of him, every cutesy love song I know of plays in my mind, which is funny, because I'm not in love with him, and I don't think I love him....I'M JUST SOOO EXCITED THAT I HAVE THE FRIEND THAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED WHO HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE SOMETHING AMAZING WITH ME! :) I honestly don't know where I'll be a month from now, or what our relationship will be by then, BUT I HOPE ITS SOMETHING GOOD! :) So to reflect how I feel, here's a song :)

Do Fries Come with that Shake Baby? Ummm No :/

I believe when you see me, you see my weight, but you don't see it. Like you know I'm a big girl, but there's just so much to me as a person that you don't see it. And while I love my family and friends who to this day (lol) insist I am not fat. Thank you guys, lol you guys def help me keep my head up. I love their support and belief in the things I do, my aspirations, my goals and me as a person, but I think an other kind of support now.

I don't go shopping for clothes often, for many reasons that aren't related to my weight at all. But when I do, it's like I miss the world memo of when to buy clothes that day, because when I go, EVERYTHING IN MY SIZE IS GONE! WTF?! There must be more fattys out there, at least more than I realize. So by the end of my shopping experience, I am normally feeling frustrated, upset, mad, like I want to cry, but most importantly I WANT TO CHANGE!

I am tired of working out and sticking to it and because of so many other things, I have to stop and focus on other things. Its a little sad because the people that love me know that food is def 1 of the keys to my soul, you cook for me I'm in love, but poor eating habits and not eating the right things are taking a toll.

I hoped that if I read some "fat girl" books, I'd feel inspired to lose weight. If I thought about my high blood pressure and possible future health complications, then I'd be more motivated to lose weight. And I do, but that's short lived due to my crazy life. I need this change to be permanent! I need a strong support system for this, I need your help to help me get there.

So as I take my last bite of a greasy, melt in your mouth artery clogging goodness along with the last of the amazingly salty high blood pressure booster fries, I am vowing to do the best I can to lose some and live a healthier lifestyle

It's just so sad...

I've been having a family situation that has really opened up my eyes to what's really going on. I see and feel the consequences of people's actions, both good and bad. And the bad ones, they make me sooo sad. When something bad happens, there is pain and suffering on both sides, no one wins. Given the situation I'm in, I try not to judge others, I try to take what I visually and audibly consume and process it, but try not to analyze it. I try to let be what is and try to move on to something that leads to positivity * yea I think I just made up a new word, but it makes sense right?* And while I should be doing homework, homework is what brought me here, and my current situation is what fuels me for everything. So I'm not sure if I unknowingly manipulated things to fit into a way for me to relate or catch my interest or if it just happened to be here, a friend says it was always there, I just never had a need to look into it or see it because I didn't know it. Anyway here I am making a mental connection between my current situation and homework. But I guess that's how you learn right? Take what you learn in class and apply it to real life.

My homework assignment is to find 3 current events each week and develop a simple objective question to them and give a truthful factual answer to it. I try to find stories more so in print, but more importantly I try to find stories that wouldn't be on the front page. I try to find the stories I think my fellow classmates would not have even looked at in their google searches. So today I came across a story about how the U.S. prison system will be taking away, inmates who are sentenced to lethal injection, request to have a final meal. I'm not sure what reasons gave away to this decision, I'm sure it boils down to one individual who, for lack of better words, fucked it up for everyone else. But thats not the main point. After reading that article, I googled lethal injections, and I read Wiki's articles on it. I then read about recent "hot topic" cases that involved lethal injection. I read about their last meal requests, their convictions and the affects their cases had on other people. I was just in an awe at lethal injections and the fact that we put soooo must trust in our legal system when everything seems biased, AND IM AMAZED AT THE FACT THAT according to the media, it seems like some people just "click" the wrong way, and BOOM we have a rapist, a terrorist, a murderer, a robber, a no good to society. Thinking about it made me feel incredibly sad, so I went back to my homework. However, sadness wasn't done with me yet. I was looking for a local headlining story when I came across a story of a young man, who was a gang banger looking for another rival gang. This gang member was with a couple of other members just cursing around the neighborhood when they found this one kid who was walking from his girlfriend's house. One gang member shouted out to this kid what he repped, and when he got no reply, the gang member came out with a metal bat and beat the kid senseless. The gang member then took the kid's phone, called the kid's girlfriend and told her what he had just done proudly, then left the kid on the side of the street. The gang member is now in county with no bail and the kid is still in a coma. BUT ITS LIKE WTF!? Do we really have this many people out there who just have nothing else to do but to be stupid? Do we really have this many lawyers and judges who could careless? Do we really have jail and prison systems overcrowding just so someone can get paid? Is there no hope?

All of this just makes me sick! I really hope that the things I'm doing now will better my future and make people happy. I hope that the kids that I teach will learn something positive and FEEL it! I hope that what I can teach them keeps them off the streets, out of harm's way so that we can live in a society where we aren't hurting others because of their skin color, what they wear, because we are mad or lonely. What I ultimately want is for no one to go through the pain of losing someone to jail, drugs, diseases, sex, and violence. If someone is meant to go, let the man upstairs take care of it, don't take it into your hands to play God.

I think this song sums up perfectly how I feel....AMEN